New demanding job - struggling with guilt and wanting DD2

[fuzzywigsmum]

Hi wise MNers,

I'm starting a new job in January - a good job with a good organisation but I'm struggling with guilt. I've been working 4 days since going back to work and in a job that I haven't really cared about so it hasn't demanded my attention or any extra time, so have had plenty of time with DD (17mo). It's likely this new role will be a bit more all-consuming and I'll also probably have to travel a bit.

I had to move on from my last organisation as I wan't feeling fulfilled and have realised that career is very important to me. But am also having that feeling that you really can't have it all and I'm now swinging the other way and comprimising DD for my job. I do know other women who work 5 days a week but I also know a LOT of women who don't. i guess I'm looking for a bit of reassurance and maybe some coping strategies for working 5 days. (Will get cleaner obvs).

Also am looking for people's experiences of taking a new job and getting pg soon after? I'm 37 and really want another DC before DD1 is much older. But obviously am aware that it's not very professional to take a new job and get pg straight away! I know some people will think that I should have just stuck with my old job if I wanted another baby but I'm interested to hear what others think?

Sorry, this is a bit of a ramble but any wise words would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks fwm x

[unruffledswan]

Congratulations on your new job! I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom that aren't on here already somewhere but I would say:

1. make sure you have plenty of back-up plans - family/ friends/ local nursery/ childminder/ babysitter who can pick up in emergencies etc
   
2. have an easily accessible spare carseat/ set of keys/ notes on your DD to make any handovers etc easier
   
3. also sign up to an emergency childcare provider who will provide nanny/ nursery places at short notice (can be pricey but worth it)
   
4. fill your freezer - never cook enough food for one meal only
   
5. get 2 weeks worth of work outfits so you have a week of outfits to wear whilst the other set is getting washed/ ironed/ dry cleaned
   

I've just returned to work today after DD2 and have agreed to 6 months of internal work rather than client facing work. I would love to go back to client work after that but I am worried about the tiredness/ guilt/ balancing act of a demanding job and 2 DCs. The few other women I know who have gone back to work are all part-time and mostly seem to have accepted that career progression is probably off the cards for good. I'm not sure I can though? Seems a bit pointless and depressing.

I'm also thinking about DC 3?!?

Also be interested in any advice on balancing career progression with family?

Good luck!

[Stevie77]

I'm in exactly the same situation and am getting cold feet!

The only helpful-ish thing I told myself re planned DC2 is that I have to be selfish. In 20 years' time I won't think 'oh, I really wish I'd have postponed having DC2 for the sake of a job'.

I know it's not very fair on the employer but a lot of things employers do are also unfair. Not sue if there's a probationary period issue though, if you get pregnant v quickly

[LittlePicnic]

I am sure career progression may be there in some careers; but it probably depends on what you do. I work four days, which everyone keeps telling me " is a lot ". I would prefer to work just three, but will wait until I have had DC3. I too am thinking about this, but need a bigger age gap than have with current two.
I started a new job and three weeks later fell pregnant. It was ok because in government fields, your experience transfers so not too bad. I felt bad for the team, but no one made me feel bad for it, they were lovely in fact. I would check re probationary periods and mat leave/ pay entitlements.
I returned after DC2 two months ago after. 12.5 months out and it was hard.
Get a cleaner, gardener etc if you can afford it, so your weekends are for family time.

[fuzzywigsmum]

Thanks unruffled for the top tips. I'll bear those in mind. I find it infuriating that other women seem to be happy to put their career on the back burner but that doesn't stop me feeling selfish for not doing the same!

Stevie that's what I figure too. Also, at least half of the interview panel knew that I have 1 young DC, so it surely won't come as the biggest bombshell if I get pg. I'm just slighlty concerned as the organisation doesn't pay anything above statutary Mat pay until you've been in the role for over 18 months. DP and I have accepted that we'll just have to cover costs ourselves but it gives a strong indication of what the organisation thinks about women who have babies soon after joining. This is quite unusual in my sector (NGOs) where organisations are normally fairly undestanding about the fact that women have babies!

[Stevie77]

How did you find out the new organisation's maternity leave policy before starting?

I'm really torn now I've accepted the new role. I'll be going up to 5 days from 4 days so will see DD less :( My current employer pays a decent maternity pay for those working there over 2 years (which I have), maybe I should've stayed there. Then again, they've stitched me up when it came to promotion and I really need that new role title on my CV.

I'll just have to suck it up I guess!! Working life is such a minefield for mums, it feels like whatever you choose you lose :(

[scottishmummy]

tips?lose that mummy guilt,it's not inevitable and you don't need to be burdened
you're being great role model,retaining your skills,you're still mum whether you work or not
save what you can,for mat leave. good employers want good employees back

[SnakePlisskensMum]

Agree with scottishmummy, we can worry so much that the worry doesn't do anyone any favours. I was so manic about going back FT and leaving the kids I was causing them more stress until one day, my DD(5) said, 'stop worrying mummy, we don't mind you being at work'! From then on, I haven't worried. They have fantastic after school care (nanny), they know we love them very much and we have help where needed i.e.cleaner etc. They see DH and I splitting chores etc (important to be seen as a team imo)and seem to be growing up absolutely fine and dandy. You are part of the family too and have as much right to a life/career as anyone. They will thank you for it later anyway. Good luck

[eagerbeagle]

Guilt is a waste of time IMO. You know your own mind and you've made a positive decision. It's ok to want to work. There are, as with all things, compromises to be made but there would be whatever your choices.

I have been in a similar position. Went back to a new post full time when DS was 11mo, was promoted while on mat leave. I'm now back 4 days a week after having DD. I am using accrued annual leave to work 4 days for now but will probably compress full time hours into a 4 or 4.5 working week when that runs out. I love my job. I trained for a long time to do it. It pays well which gives financial security for me personally and for us as a family. I am building up my pension as well so its important too for our term financial security. These are important things.

It's hard but I don't feel guilty. Ultimately my family will always come first. I know that and so do they. They also know mommy works, that is their normal and they are fine.