Help! I'm really stressed about finding a nanny when I go back to work.

[cdnmom]

I'm due to go back to work in April after 1 year off with my second child, and I'm so stressed out about finding childcare - does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a great nanny (live in/ live out) for 3/ 4 days (not sure how many days work will let me do)in the Surbiton area? Or does anyone know any good nannies who might be coing available in April time - I'd wait for the right one!. On a separate note, it's taken me a whole year to reconcile myself to the fact that by choosing to go part-time, my career is basically over - though I don't think it's fair on the kids for us both to be working FT in high pressure jobs and I think I'd go nuts if I was a stay at home mom fulltime - I don't seem to fit in with the other stay at home moms - most seem so perfectly coiffed, supremely happy, nauseatingly creative and happy and earth-motherly fulfilled - I feel like a comparative failure and I think I need to get some confidence back and some recognition in my job - any views?Am I the only inadequate feeling mom out there?

[tribpot]

I can't help with the nanny side of things, but hope you manage to find a good one in time for April.

I'm working p-t now (ds is 7 months) and going back f-t purely because as the sole breadwinner I can't afford to be p-t. However, I am hoping to balance things reasonably well with some homeworking etc (plus dh is a SAHD albeit a rather unwell one). I am not ashamed to admit that I really enjoy my work, and having a different outlet in my life. Absolutely no disrespect to SAHMs intended of course, I believe everyone should make the decision best suited to them. You sound quite similar to me - I don't feel particularly fulfilled as a SAHM and so working outside the home (as well as in it!) gives me a sense of satisfaction as well as bringing home the family bacon.

Hope it all goes well for you in April, and hope your fears that your career is over prove to be unfounded.

[bambi06]

try advertising on www.familiesonline.co.uk

[mandieb]

try Premier nanny agency on thames ditton .

[Klauz33]

Simplychildcare magazine specialise is a great place to put an ad, or check out the ads already placed.

Also thegumtree.co.uk is brilliant website to check out nannies, a lot of the agencies put ads on there, interview candiadates and then charge you £1000+ for checking out the references. Remember you can do the same. I found my fabby Australian nanny on it. However, beware of visas if you want to employ a australian, kiwi, south african etc... Better to check the ads out, than put an ad up as you will be inaudated by totally unsuitable candidates who cannot speak english properly.
Good luck, start looking early. And remember if you do use an agency, negotiate their fees as they start at the exbortiant.

[cdnmom]

Hey guys - thanks so much for your suggestions and advice guys - wow, this is the first time I've ever used mumsnet and I can't believe how amazing it is! It's great to know there are so many supportive people out there. Too bad you have to go back to work full time tribpot, as it would be nice to do it because you want to and not because you have to - though from the sounds of it, you would probably go back anyways, even if you had a choice. I'm really struggling with the decision at the moment - I really feel that I'm giving up a great career because of my family and it's hard because I worked really hard to get to the level I was, but, at the same time, when I went back full time after my first child, my boy was calling the nanny Mommy after six months (okay, he was only 18 months old,but it killed me!). I would love it if my husband would take a year or two off so I could go back and prove myself (I was recently offered a big promotion) but he's pretty old fashioned and wouldn't consider it. I do feel really guilty about going back to work at all - I feel as though I should work harder to enjoy being a SAHM more than I do ( like, get more into the whole Mom, play group, coffee morning, dress up for the school run, cook organic baby food thing) but I just can't - I think if I found somehing outside of the Mom thing to make me feel more valued/ stimulated, I might.I feel SOOOOOO guilty when SAHMs do the whole "I don't want to miss out on all those milestones, these are the best years of your life, I couldn't possibly leave my children to work, that would be so selfish" guilt trip - it makes me feel inferior and a bad mom.

[nannynick]

For those who are wanting a nanny for the first time, I would really suggest using an Agency, unless you know a lot about recruitment, employment law and tax rules though your current job. Agencies do charge a lot, but a good agency will advise you on the many matters concerned with having an employee in your home.

If you go it alone, then as a nanny, I mostly look for jobs (when I need to) over at NannyJob where parents can advertise for a fee (about £10) and search for candidates for FREE. The message board is also worth a read at times - as you can find out what issues come up between nannies and employers, though no advertising as such on there.
There is an sample contract on the site as well which will help if you are not using an agency.

Time is passing by fast. Nannies who are in a job will have a notice period, a month is not untypical. Obviously easier if the nanny is out of work.

The bond between a child and their primary carer can be very strong. It does not surprise me that your eldest child called his nanny Mummy. I am dreading the youngest I care for (currently 17 months) saying what he wants to call be for the first time. His older sister used to call me "Nanna Nee", but has recently been able to say Nick - which I prefer. I used to care for a 4 year old, who choose to call me Daddy when it suited him (such as when I picked him up from pre-school), I suppose it was more socially acceptable to be collected by Daddy than your male nanny!

As your husband is 'old fashioned' guess he won't consider a male nanny, on principle. Not that I'm looking for a job, maybe another year perhaps!

Fitting in with the SAHM lot can be very difficult. I don't even bother now, though it can affect the social life of the children I care for. Luckly a good friend of mine is a childminder, so we often go to groups together so that at least I get to talk to someone! I do cook organic food, but I certainly don't dress up for the school run, avoid coffee mornings like the plague and go to a friendly toddler group, which has taken ages to find - most of the groups local to me were not that friendly!

Have a good balance to help with guilt feelings. You need to work to keep your mind active, to keep up with your career, and to feed, clothe and home your children. So don't feel too guilty - just aim to get a good balance, which means that when you are at home, you spend quality time with the children, doing children type things - not dragging them around an art gallery!

Good luck finding a nanny.

[tribpot]

Thanks cdnmom - actually I would prefer to stay part-time if money were no object but them's the breaks, for now at least.

[cdnmom]

Nannynick - thank you so much for all your great advice - I actually logged onto the website you suggested last night and already have started communications with a really really nice, super experienced nanny, but I also take your point about using an agency! Good advice on how to deal with the SAHM crowd as well!

[mrsdarcy]

Lots of SAHMs avoid coffee mornings and feel rather intimidated by "perfect mothers". And a lot of the "perfect mothers" really aren't anywhere near perfect and have as many insecurities as the rest of us

I went back to work PT after my 1st and 2nd children They are now at school and I have a 7 month old baby, and am a SAHM as my DH's job means that he can play virtually no role in the children's day-to-day life. Sometimes I would quite like to work PT for the reasons you gave in your post.

My advice on hiring a nanny is to allow yourself plenty of time in which to find one, and plan out in some detail a list of questions you have for interviews and for reference-checking. Also, the best time for laying down ground-rules is at the beginning of the relationship, rather than on the hoof.

[orangina]

cdnmom, i went back to work 4 days a week when my dd was 6 months old, and am very happy with the work/home balance on the whole. We found our lovely australian nanny on gumtree.com and we feel very lucky to have her. She was the 1st nanny we interviewed, I really liked her, I checked her references, and then in a panic, called my sister who has years of the nanny thing under her belt, asked her if I ought to try and interview some others or whether I could settle for the 1st and only nanny I interviewed. Her advice was to go with your instinct, check all references, and if I liked her, just go for it. Really hope that the nanny you are talking to works out for you, my only advice is to think in advance about everything you would and wouldn't expect her to do as part of her job, and draw up quite a clear job description. No future misunderstandings etc. Good luck!

[uwila]

Hi cdnmom. I employ a nanny and live in Sunbury. Couldn't live without her. I, personally, would steer way clear of agencies. Never found them to be worth their price. I would start with the purchase of "The Good Nanny Guide", then I would read www.nannytax.co.uk, then I would ask lots of questions on mumsnet about interview tips and references, and so on... Then, I would post an ad on nannyjob.co.uk and another one on gumtree.com.

Also, I notice your use of the word "mom". Are you American, by any chance?

[uwila]

Sorry, I only skimmed the thread when I submitted the first post. You have employed a nanny before. I think it is part of the nanny's job to know where her job ends and Mum takes over. Allowing my children to call her "mommy" would cross the live for me. Now, if your kid is just learning to say mummy, and thinks all women are named mummy or all men daddy, that's one thing. But if nanny encourages being called mummy, I would not be happy.

[Blu]

Definitely try SimplyChildcare.

You get 3 issues of the magazine with ads by nannies, and you put your own ad in three issues. No agency fees.

Given the situation with your DH, if he is intractable, i think it is probably the better option, if you can afford it, to go p/t. I find it a big juggling act and strain to work f/t with one child. let alone 2. It sounds as if you are batting yourself back and forth between two lives in which you won't allow yourself any credit! Go p/t for the time being, and then pick up again later on. Throw yourself into your parenting days, and don't give a monkey's about how anyone else does it...I bet at least half are envying you your ability to multi-task, and have some professional life. Yoou have choice here - see it as using choice, and seize it, go for it, rather than seeing yourself as a pushed around victim of circumstance in each situation?