is it too late for her?

[allsfairinlove]

My friend from childhood is a gifted cellist. She was recognised as a child prodigy early on and is now a highly respected concert artist -- and on the surface of things, lives a glamorous and successful life.

However. Behind closed doors, she is very insecure, has fairly severe anxiety issues, finds people in general and socialising highly stressful and I am about her only friend.

She feels that she alienates people in everyday life through her 'weirdness' and quirks of personality. And though I do sincerely love her, I sort of of know what she means as she can be incredibly intense and has different ideas of social norms which probably does scare a lot of people off in a more everyday setting.

She has a partner but IMHO he is with her for the wrong reasons and she stays with him because she thinks that no-one in their right mind would take her on and so she is lucky to have met someone half decent who will.

Is it too late for her to break out of this rut and find some kind of normality and loving relationship? She is 38.

[VioletBam]

I have a similar friend. She was "weird" and "quirky" as a child and teen...massively talented writer though.

She went to Oxford, has had a STELLAR career (famous) but is so unhappy, anxious and insecure.

She drinks too much and has terrible relationships with awful men.

She's just been diagnosed with ASD.

Your friend sounds the same. Could you encourage her to the doctor?

[junebirthdaygirl]

I Wass about to come on and suggest ASD as well. A lot of the symptoms ring true and people weren't diagnosed when she was young. Struggling with that when you don't know what's going on is very stressful. ASD people are often very gifted. She may like to investigate this as already suggested.

[FaithAscending]

Sounds a lot like me (without the talented musician bit!) and I was diagnosed with High functioning autism as an adult. This link to Tania Marshall's website was what made me realise. It might be worth showing it to her?

[allsfairinlove]

She's been tested for Aspergers on two different occasions as she wondered as well but it isn't that.

And she has had therapy for an ED with a reputable therapist who considered her to be introverted but didn't detect autism.

It's not that you would know such turmoil was going on underneath if you met her as she is, on the surface, very engaging and charming, beautiful personality and the kindest friend. Any quirks or thoughts of alienation are IMO all part of her crippling insecurity and low self esteem. So I feel quite privileged that she opens up to me and let's me see her vulnerability as I know it is hugely difficult for her.

[catkind]

Does she play chamber music? Can be a lovely way to combine music and low pressure socialization. The best way to make good friends in my experience is to do things you love together, and it sounds like music is your friend's big love. Maybe something just for fun rather than for performance. Or is even chamber music too intense at that level?

[allsfairinlove]

Yes, she plays chamber music professionally and as far as I know, is on friendly terms with her musical colleagues but that's as far as it goes.

I know it gets her down that making friends and actually socialising for fun rather than professional reasons is such a cause for anxiety.
When I say she can come across as quite intense, I mean to people she meets who are not musicians. Musicians are often, IME, quite different!

I think she was bullied at school (she went to one of those hothouse specialist schools) and it has had a lasting effect on her confidence.

It's just really sad to see someone so talented and with a lot to offer live such an isolated and lonely life.