Feeling desperate...don't know what to do?

[Mo2]

I think I just need to write this all down because I don't know who else to turn to.
I suddenly feel as if I'm just getting sucked deeper and deeper into a downward spiral of things I can't control. Apologies if this is a long post but my head feels like it's about to explode...
Basically :

• Both DH & I were both made redundant last year when I was pregnant with DS2 (now 6 months). Fortunately I was offered a job with a new company which they offered to hold until Jan this year. Since DH didn't have a job at that point I gladly accepted it (and to be fair, it is quite an interesting role and well paid). DH subsequently did get another job, but it is not so well paid and may only last another 6-12 months.
  Anyway, since starting my new job at the beginning of the year I am beginning to feel I simply can't cope. Both DS1 (now 3.5 yrs) and DS2 (6 months) are in nursery, so of course DS2 has been going down with all the colds & viruses going and both Dh & I have had them all quite badly too. Although dh & I share taking days off if DS2 is ill off nursery, I've already had to take 2 days off from work and 'fudge' a couple of 'working at home' days to look after him.
  DS2 is not yet sleeping through the night (wakes at least once, often twice while he's been ill) and this means we're completely knackered and never get a decent nights sleep (even though dh & I take turns to get up to him).
  Also I had another c-section with DS2, and my abdominal muscles are still very weak, and since the beginning of the year I've been plagued with backache, which I've been seeing a physio for (with only limited success).
  Meanwhile, I'm obviously under pressure to 'make an impact' in my new job, and have also been travelling away at least once a week with early mornings/late returns or overnights, which is putting pressure on dh.
  Meanwhile, DS1 is scheduled to have day surgery in a few weeks time under GA which we're obviously worried about. And then finally this week I found out that my Mum, who has been fighting cancer for over eight years now has liver cancer and is going to need fairly invasive chemotherapy - to put it bluntly it could well be this that finally finishes her off - she's in her mid 70's now.
  Dh & I have both had another horrible bug for the last few days - him with diarrohea and me with a cough and chest infection thing which has kept me awake for the last 3 nights (dreading going to bed, 'cos as soon as I lie down I can't stop coughing'.
  We simply have NOBODY who can help us right now -obviously not my parents and dh's parents are also quite elderly and can't really cope with the kids. And all we both want to do is go to bed and sleep for about a week.
  
  Although I went back to work after DS1, I feel different about it this time - I really miss DS2 and sometimes I feel like crying when I pick him up from nursery because I see him so little during the week.
  This weekend I just haven't been able to stop crying and saying 'we have to do something - I just can't keep going on like this' . I just don't know whether I'm depressed, or just feeling so down due to illness, whether I should jack my job in, or tell them at work that I'm feeling so stressed or what.
  Although I've been to the Dr recently for antibiotics for my lastest bug, I haven't discussed all this stuff - i'm just worried I'll just get sent away with anti-depressents, and maybe that's not necessarily what I need.

[Tinker]

Mo2 - so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Don't know if you are depressed but if you are it's pretty understandable. You just have TOO MUCH to cope with at the moment.

Don't know if it's possible, and realise you don't want to give 'wrong' impression to your employers, but could you cut down your hours/go part-time, even just for 6 months or so? I imagine the welfare of your family comes first and, now that your husband has a job, maybe the financial pressure has lifted a little. If the money wasn't an issue, how high up would your job be in the order of priorities at the moment? If it is not so high, perhaps you could just put it on hold for a while until you feel stronger to cope with that AND all the other crap you have to deal with at the moment.

Sorry this isn't very constructive but I really do feel for you. Having TOO MUCH to think about/deal with is bound to grind you down and something has to give.

[seahorse]

Mo2

I really feel for you - it all sounds like everything is happening all at once and there seems to be no way out. How is your money situation now - the only reason I ask is that I have recently doubled my childcare outgoings to have a daily nanny to look after ds1 - 3.5, and dd 1.5. It has made a massive difference to my life - The children love her - it takes all pressure off the morning routine and evening since the clothes are washed food done - house tidy of toys etc. If only as a temporary measure you can 'buy in' help - my family live 400 miles away - dh is away for 6/7months and we've only recently moved so I don't know anyone well. I've justified it mentally as being the equivalent to a life saver and well worth any amount of money. With both cildren at different nurseries/pre school and working almost full time I felt absolutely drained emotionally and physically - in fact you feel like you aren't really living properly just existing - get help in - sod the money if you can possibly, at least for 6 months until you are all back on your feet - it's worth sacrificing a holiday anyway!

[tomps]

Mo2 - Seahorse's advice seems great if it's possible for you - give you some space to sort out everything else that's going on. I don't have any words of wisdom I'm sorry, just wanted to send you a hug and hope things get better for you soon.

[WideWebWitch]

Mo2, maybe you are depressed, maybe you aren't but I would say that it's completely understandable to me that you feel as if your head is about to explode! I think any of us would be stressed and feeling unable to cope given all the things you've got going on right now. Any one of them alone (sleeplessness, mother's illness, operation looming, full time work x 2 and 2 kids, everyone having flu etc) can be hard. So firstly, I'd say it's not surprising that you're feeling like this (sorry if I'm stating the bleedin' obvious!) and please don't be hard on yourself and expect to be able to cope with all of it. Any one of them would have me wailing I think.

What would happen if you asked for temp leave from your job? Is it possible that you'd get it, just to get some breathing space? Or could you buy some extra help, as seahorse suggests? If not, could you try taking one issue at a time and thinking about what you'd like to change or what could be changed? i.e with your job, if you can't take some leave can you cut down on the travel? Could you do some of it via video conference or something? (don't know what you do so this might be totally unrealistic) I'm sorry about your mum, that alone is a very hard thing to deal with emotionally and there is nothing I can say that will make it any better but it's bound to be a big part of making you feel that you have a hard time coping. Sorry, I don't know what else to suggest, other than writing down all the problems and what you would like to see happen to resolve them where possible and trying to work out whether the resolution is do-able. Try to be nice to yourself though. Much sympathy, I hope things get better soon.

[ScummyMummy]

MO2, it sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate, missus, and it's no wonder you're feeling down and overwhelmed. Think the advice here is great and send you many good wishes and hopes that things will get better soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[breeze]

Can't really add anything that hasn't already been mentioned, just wishing you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon. All the Best

[janh]

Same from me, Mo2, and nothing to add to the good advice that's already been offered, but thinking about you and hoping things improve soon. Seahorse's idea sounds brilliant, hope you can afford to do it to tide you over the next few months. Cyber hugs ((((())))).

[Zoe]

Dear Mo2 I can't believe that you have all this to cope with, you must feel dreadful at the moment. If you can't/don't want to get a nanny as suggested, can you at least get some help with cleaning/ironing etc in the meantime to take some of that off you? In addition, I have found that taking a probiotic like actimel or similar, and also a vitamin C/zinc combination tablet has helped enormously in the fight not to come down with every bug going - at least if you felt a bit healthier you might feel that you could cope a bit with everything.

Sorry I can't be of any more help than that - if you lived near, I'd offer to have the kids round to play for an afternoon so you could have some sleep - woud anyone (neighbour/friend) do that for you??

Hugs to you

[Honeybunnie]

Mo2, so sorry to hear what is happening in your life at the moment.
It is good that your wrote everything down so you can get it off your chest. Seahorse's advice is great and has covered everything.

Hope your situation gets better soon.

Remember we love you xxxxxxxxx

I will pray for you tonight.

[robinw]

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[ghengis]

Mo2, how are things today? Sounds like you need to sit down with DH and prioritise what is going on in your lives. Something will, eventually, have to 'give' and it is far better to decide that for yoursleves while you still can, rather than having a breakdown and having the decision made for you. You are not alone. Tell us how you feel.

[sb34]

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[Marina]

Mo2, so sorry to hear of what a really hard time you are having at the moment. No wonder you feel down, anyone would in this situation.
You've had heaps of good advice already. Robinw's xylitol suggestions worked wonders for us when ds was getting EVERYTHING going during his first year at nursery - I don't understand why all children's toothpaste don't have this excellent naturally-derived ingredient in it.
I have also found that investing in some Floradix iron tonic helped me regain energy at various trying times in my life - it's a very digestible form of iron, and if you are suffering low iron levels following the birth of ds2, it might help. You might also want to get your blood tested for anaemia, though.
I so know what it is to have elderly parents far from home and have no family help at hand. As I am facing the firm prospect of following in your footsteps if we are lucky enough to have another child in a few months' time, and having to return to work full-time, I also utterly sympathise with your feelings about leaving ds2.
sb34 sounds local - perhaps others of us are too. Can you tell us where you are based?

[CAM]

Mo2 I really feel for you as it is so ghastly when lots of things happen at once (and isn't it always the case?) One thing I will say is that most of the things that are currently problems are temporary and will sort themselves out soon. For example, usually by March most of the winter coughs, colds etc are on the wane. Also as ds2 gets older he will sleep better at night. I think you're crying because of the shock of the news about your mother (this happened to me when my brother was diagnosed with a very serious cancer). It is stressful having 2 children and a job just in itself without illness, etc to deal with. But time will help with all these things, hang in there and keep posting to let it all out here.

[Clarinet60]

I really feel for you too. Haven't any more to add but just to say that I hope you can get together with your DH and work out how you can reduce the load.
xxxx

[aloha]

When you've got this much on your plate, something's got to give. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. I totally agree with Seahorse's idea about a daily nanny. It may well not be any more expensive than a daily nursery and she will look after the children when they are ill, come in the morning so you don't have a horrible rush to get the children one place and yourself to another, and you can come home knowing that the children are already at home, entertained and rested. This may give you some breathing space. The other thing to do is maybe to ask for your job to be made more family friendly - ie three or four days a week, or shorter hours or just have one or two days working from home every week. By law the company now has to take this request seriously and come up with a very good reason why it isn't possible (ie they can't just say, 'no'. I find working from home with a nanny looking after ds works really well for me (he's 16months & I do one day with him with me and the nanny, and two days when the nanny goes to someone else's house and looks after another little boy and my ds as a share). This way, ds gets his sleeps at home one day(he usually still in his pjs when his nanny arrives at 9am) I see him but don't have to look after him. He goes all over with his nanny, city farm, library, playgroup, park, swimming, and I can still work. I found the most intolerable part of working in an office was the struggle to rush ds out of the house with me, and the need to get back on the dot every night. YOu have so much on your plate I really think you aren't depressed, you just need to work out how to take some of the strain off in a really practical way. In the meantime, at least get a cleaner/ironer. Also, when you are ill, like with your chest infection, take some time off work, let the children go to nursery for at least half a day and go back to bed with a hot Ribena or whatever. Viruses can have lingering, depressing and debilitating effects on you.

[Philippat]

Poor love, more hugs to add. Sleep really will help but getting it is so hard. With so many people needing your care I imagine that it is really tough just to look after yourself. I agree with seahorse, if you possibly can in the short term, throw money at the problem to solve it.

For you, try pholcodine at night - I find it a life saver when I've got a cough and need a sleep. Tastes OK too! It's one of those you have to ask the chemist for.

I know it's tough when you've just started a new job but can you make a concerted effort to clear some time in your diary and take a couple of weeks off (either paid if you can do it with annual leave or unpaid if not). I'd say both your son's operation and your mum's illness would be excellent excuses that colleagues will understand. BUT, don't then spend the all the time rushing round after everyone - take at least half the time to have afternoon naps, book a massage, etc, and to get thinking time. It does sound to me like you and dh need to think what you'd like to do long-term but you need to be refreshed to decide that.

[MABS]

Nothing helpful to say , thinking of you though xx

[Rhubarb]

Mo2 - maybe your GP can write you a sick note for a week or so, just to give yourself a break. Depression is an illness, so if you go back and tell your GP just how you feel, you shouldn't have any probs getting a sick note. Then during your break you can think about where you go from here. Sounds like something needs to be done. Let us know how you are.

[Mo2]

Thanks everyone - this thread and all your responses has really got me through the last few days. I was SO SO down when I first posted, but glad to say that I now feel a whole load better. As CAM said, i think it was the sudden shock of my Mum's news that hit me hard and was 'the straw that broke the camel's back' so to speak. Thanks for all your excellent suggestions - I'm trying to take many of them on board.

Fortunately we all seem to have got through the worst of the colds/flu/bugs now and I'm getting some decent amounts of sleep again (OK - well about 6 hours at least!). However DH and I recognise that we can't just go back to the same situation and wait for the next thing to knock us for six, so we've at least made some immediate changes and decisions.

When we had DS2 we seriously considered the Nanny route, but decided against it on the basis that DS1 just LOVES his Pre-school and has lots of friends there, and I think would be heartbroken if we took him away, and we probably can't justify the cost of both a Nanny for one child and nursery for another. However we HAVE decided to get another au pair (used to have one until a year ago) which means that all cleaning & ironing gets done, she can help with bits & pieces of childcare while we're around, and we get two nights a week babysitting to give us a chance to go out and have some fun again.
Amazingly just after I posted first we were contacted by the sister of another au pair we know asking if she could come and work for us!

I've gone through my diary at work and taken out or delegated all 'non-essential' meetings and travel and told my team I'm not prepared to be away from home for the next few months unless absolutely necessary. I've also booked out some days holiday in the next few weeks for myself, and dh and I have booked a weekend away for all of us in March. I don't really feel ready to ask to reduce down to 3-4 days a week just yet, but that IS my longer term plan once I know the job better.

Actually I was really pleased to find that when we were willing to admit to friends and family that we were struggling, suddenly quite a few people rallied around for us without us having to ask. Some friends of ours took DS1 off to 'soft play' for a morning, and DH's parents asked if they could come down for a few days in a couple of weeks to try to help us.

And finally my Mum had her first Chemotherapy today and when I spoke to her she is sounding much more positive about the whole prospect. She's such a brave woman...

So anyway, at least I can see a little light at the end of the tunnel.
Thanks again for all you support out there - it really does make a difference.

(SB34 - thanks too for your kind offers of help. As I say, I think we're through the worst, but it would be good to catch up with you again at some point anyway - I often think of you - especially now that DS2 practically lives in the Rocking Entertainer!)

Oh, by the way - for those that asked - I'm in Surrey - Redhill/Reigate area.

Thanks everyone - you're a fab bunch of cyber-friends.

[bossykate]

i'm so glad things are looking brighter! i'm impressed with all the positive steps you have taken already. good luck!

[janh]

Mo2, great to hear you sounding so much more positive, you must have hit bottom and be on the way back up now! Glad to hear your mum is being positive too, it makes a big difference...hope everything keeps going the same way!

[aloha]

Hooray. Glad you are feeling much better. Hope your au pair is great.