Was I taken advantage of,or was it abuse ?

[plumo]

I don't want to make this sound over dramatic or anything and I wasn't sure what section to post in, but health seems as good as any. I've been thinking of posting about this for ages and now think that I can bear to...
I'm writing it to get it off my mind as I've only mentioned it once before to my doctor.
When I was about 15, possibly 14,I can't remember the exact age as it was a long time ago - but about that age- I was quite unworldly girl and hadn't had any boyfriends - I became friendly with a neighbour - he was a mature student and lodged with a neighbour. He was in his thirties and was very friendly and showed a great interest in me,which of course was incredibly flattering. One day in his flat he suddenly put his arms round me which I found alarming and remember thinking 'oh no,that;s ruined it !' - we'd had such a nice time playing records,talking etc. From then on it was a kind of sexual relationship,without actual sex,which I refused,and to be fair he never forced on me,though he used to say I was frigid and would be 'returned unopened' . I was a bit confused by all this,though my teenage self did enjoy some of the touching etc - it was exciting,up to a point and I think I felt guilty about having those feelings. The other part of me was just in terested in the going out in his car and being treated to nice things. He wrote me love letters almost daily (God knows what my parents thought - another part of me feels that they should have intervened,though I kept it all secret- they never kn ew what went on,thougfh they did pretty soon stop me from visiting him in the house). I think it has affected me in some way throughout my life and I feel I carry this secret with me,though in telling it now,maybe it might feel as though it's not secret.
I did tell my gp some years ago,and he felt it was that I was taken advantage of,rather than that I was abused,which I suppose it was - I don't want it to be abuse...but I do want to kn ow whether it was a bad thing,or just somethinmg that happens ? It wasn't against my will and I went along with it, but it just seems inappropriate.
He is now quite an important head of an orga nisation abroad,as I discovered when I googled his name.
Sorry to dump this on mumsnet, but I would like any feedback from you thoughtful and wise mumsnetters.

[Judy1234]

Sexual relationship without actual sex. Was there oral sex or did he touch you under your clothes? Was there kissing? In any event it sounds as if you weren't comfortable with it and were too young to object and refuse to see him. In some countries you can marry at 14 and 15 so it's not quite in the category of abuse of a little child but certainly it sounds as if you were uncomfortable with it. Others girls that age can have those relationships and like them. I don't think looking him up now really helps but it might be worth finding someone to talk it through with, a bit of therapy or something if it's bothering you still.

[Dottydot]

Plumo - it almost doesn't matter (in one sense) what it was, the fact is it's still bothering you and maybe you need counselling to help you get past it. I think the fact that you're linking it with abuse means that it was to you, and that's all that matters - you need to talk to someone professional about how to get past it so it's not on your mind in the way that it is now - maybe ask your GP for a referral?

[Booboobedoo]

Just going by what you've written, I'd say your GP was right in his terminology. Not to say what this man did was right: he sholdn't have taken advantage of a young girl like that.

If it's still bothering you, maybe you should consider couselling.

Do you think it's had any effect on your attitudes towards sex? Caused you any problems?

(I'm not expecting you to answer btw, just thinking about how I'd deal with it, and whether it's worth talking to a professional about it. It sounds like it's bothering you).

[Aloha]

Well, I'd be appalled if my stepdaughter who is 15 was going through this. It is deeply inappropriate, manipulative and wrong.

[NotAnOtter]

i agree aloha and people who insinuate otherwise are wrong too
its obvious you were not an equal party in this and in my book he abused your age/immaturity/naivity etc for his own means

[Booboobedoo]

I don't think anyone on this thread has insinuated any such thing NAO.

[plumo]

thanks for these replies so far - I'm gratefyul to you all for your views and they are helpful to me - it's something that I think of from time to time ansd wo nder about- I have had a lot of therapy in my time, but never really talked about this,though sexual things have been talked about and yes, I would say it has affected my attitude towards sex,quite profoundly. I wont be looking this man up or opening any cans of worms, I just wanted to confess really !

[Booboobedoo]

You don't need to confess plumo! You haven't done anything wrong! If some of your physical responses to this man were positive that doesn't make you bad - that's just physiology.

FWIW, I had a boyfriend a few years older than me at that age and tbh he pushed things too far too fast. (Physically it sounds similar to your experience). However, I was consenting and it was clear where things stood between us. The boundaries sound very blurry with this man.