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is this abuce,rape, or sleep

(14 Posts)
keykey Thu 18-Feb-16 12:30:08

Hi made up a profile as I want to remain anno. Been married for 12 years and I have 3 children. My husband has always been controlling , but I am a very indecisive person with little to no confidence.
Anyway, a year ago I got sleeping tablets from the doc. I told hubby and I took one, Now I remember that I didn't think it had worked, and I remember kissing but that's all I remember and I do remember it was me that started it. The next morning hubby said something like "2 times in one night that's new" I was really confused we didn't do it did we? So turns out I fell asleep and he kept going, I told him that's not on and he felt really bad, he was down for weeks I was worried as I have never seen him look so sad, I said listen don't worrie about it Its been a mistake leave it at that.
I took another tablet about a month later and I remember I woke up with no bottoms on, but with out grossing people there was no signes of sex.
Again about a week later same thing only this time my pants were inside out. So I haven't took sleeping pills since, until the doc gave me them again 4 weeks ago, I was so desperate for sleep I took one, I woke up and he was doing things to me I don't want to put on this, he was pushing my face with his hand. I froze and pretended to be sleeping, and going in and out of sleep, he did things to me he has never done before. I kept my eyes closed. I am sure there was a camara flash he "finished" went to the loo, came back in and went to sleep, that time he didn't dress me, cover me nothing.
I love this man more than anything, He is an amazing dad, I thought he loved the ground I walked on. There is a chance I am starting this but I cant remember, is it my fault mayby I am doing it in my sleep. The first time I asked him, "my god I must be rubbish in bed if you couldn't tell I fell asleep", he said that I was moving and making noise, and I was more "free and very responsive" than normal and that's why he managed to do it 2 times. Is sleep sex a thing? I cant sleep, but I love this man I don't have any of my own money I don't work, and My kids love their dad, as a family we are very happy. What if I am wrong and I damage my family, his job, I have no evidence and his phone is glued to him all the time so I cant look to see if there is a pic on there
Sorry I have went on and on.

Madlizzy Thu 18-Feb-16 12:38:04

He's abusing you. You can't give full consent if you're drugged.

DoreenLethal Thu 18-Feb-16 12:40:11

How can you be happy when he is raping you at night?

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief Thu 18-Feb-16 12:44:47

This happens only when you take sleeping tablets? Have you ever woken up to him doing things when you've not taken anything?

LemonRedwood Thu 18-Feb-16 12:45:44

The first incident sounded like it could almost have been excusable. Almost.

The rest of it, there is no question that he is abusing and raping you.

meatliqour Thu 18-Feb-16 12:50:12

What sleeping tablets are they?

If they are the Z ones they cause extreme amnesia.

Not to sound dismissive as this is serious of course. But if you google the side effects of the tablets (I'm assuming they are from the Z family) you will be utterly surprised at the side effects.

I actually managed to cook / eat / wash up "in my sleep" I HAVE NO recollection of it whatsoever.

keykey Thu 18-Feb-16 12:51:04

I know it sounds bad, but I am not 100%sure its not been me doing it in my sleep. How could I accuse him of that if he didn't know it was wrong. Its only when I take sleeping pills, as I wake up easy normally and I hardly sleep anyway. I did wonder if it was a dream but the inside out pants and no bottoms make me think differently. I am not a strong woman all my life I have needed somebody. My kids hearts would break if I left him. My son sees a councillor at the moment

keykey Thu 18-Feb-16 12:52:40

meatliqour that's the ones. need to go my son is getting sent home from school will try come back on later

DoBananasWearPajamas Thu 18-Feb-16 12:55:34

do you tell him you are taking the tablets?

if you do, then dont tell him, or tell him you have and see what happens?

meatliqour Thu 18-Feb-16 13:00:52

Please don't think this is coming across as you're making it up, but this is exactly what happened to me.

When in fact I was doing it myself. They give you complete amnesia & totally heighten your sexual awareness (albeit in a hypnotic sleep state).

It's a side effect of the drug.

However I of course don't know this for certain.

I genuinely had this experience, I don't take the Z ones anymore as I would end up doing all sorts of shit & had NO IDEA it was me.

stumblymonkey Thu 18-Feb-16 13:03:36

I was just about to suggest that.

Either tell him you're taking one and instead take a paracetamol or something. Then you will know the answer.

To be honest it doesn't sound great. It would be worth creating an 'escape' plan in advance of pretending to take the tablet...you need to have a plan about what you will do if it turns out that he's raping you while you sleep.

It's not totally unheard of to have sex in your sleep however it is very, very, very rare and extremely unlikely so prepare yourself for the worst. The very fact that he's doing things he wouldn't normally suggests he absolutely realises what he's doing...

Stay safe and consider calling a Rape Crisis centre, they offer counselling thanks

littlejo67 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:46:52

So he is using your body when you are asleep and you are not sure whether you instigate or join in with this? Whether it is abuse or not depends whether this is a problem for you and if so whether you have communicated this to him. If you dont like it and you have told him that then its not ok.
Not all women would label this as abuse- its subjective and based entirely on your perception/ feelings surrounding this.

monkeyfacegrace Thu 18-Feb-16 20:55:30

Me and DH has sex in our sleep ALL the time.

We have no idea who starts it, often I don't wake up, neither does he.

In the morning we glance at each other and I assume it was a dream, but usually we can piece together what's happened.

This can happen anything from every night for a week, to a couple times a month. But very regular.

Neither of us are fussed whatsoever. We have no other issues so he is more than happy to be 'used' while he is asleep, and visa versa. Theres not even the slightest thought to not allow it.

DH swears that a lot of the time I'm totally up for it and going hammer and tongs and I have no recollection whatsoever!

If I was in your position, I'd say I was taking a tablet but have a paracetamol instead and see what happens. It will put your mind at rest, or show true colours.

moonriverandme Thu 18-Feb-16 22:51:18

Perhaps ask for this thread to be moved to relationships for more support and advice. So sorry this is happening to you.

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