Tunnocks! How gorgeous to see you. I'm so pleased for your DH reaching his 1k goal and seriously impressed.
Can I contribute a fruit salad? A really lovely one with mango and berries and a dash of champagne? It's just that I'm desperately trying to watch the old waistline watch it? It's disappeared completely!!!
I hope DH is responding to treatment and I love hearing about your busy family life full of friends and loved ones.
I'm not sure whether to post this part or not... but I'm gambling on the fact that it might help to know that your awful nightmare has had one teeny, tiny, small good influence on a completely random stranger...
I quit smoking in June - for good I hope. The past 3 weeks have been a bit totally stressful for various reasons and at one point I was SORELY tempted to reach for a fag. And TBH one of the things that truly helped me was your beautifully written posts. I thought of you, and your wonderful DH, and felt humbled, and the craving passed. So a huge thank you. It really did help.
If I have miscalculated and this doesn't help at all and you are sitting there thinking "What an enormous wanker" please let me know and I will ask for this to be deleted.
Tunnocks - it's not horrid at all to feel angry with dh about this. It would be horrid to continually punish him for it or leave him because of it and we all know you aren't going to do those things. Anger is a normal reaction to a massive change imposed upon you. Most of the time you're probably angry with the tumour alone but after all it's located in his head. He's going to come in to a side swipe sometimes. If we pinned him down and made him tell us we'd probably find he sometimes feels angry with you and with everybody who loves him because they don't have cancer. It's just a very hard thing to deal with and life is not a movie where people react in an airbrushed way. This is a tough time for both of you. It's also a hopeful time and a loving time and a time that I 100% believe you will both look back at in 20 years time and think 'how did we do that'. I DO know how serious this is but I am NOT writing him off. Can I win with you please?
You're not horrid Teacakes, just human. I think we naturally look to lay blame at someone's feet. But the important thing is you know that once the heat of the moment is over, you're being irrational and that you don't really mean it.
Oh Tunnocks you are only human, anger is justifiable. And yes you can be angry at your DH because you (and we) know how much you love your DH and it is anger at the cancer that is the real target.
I don't go out much these days or talk to people for the very same reason - no one can say anything right to me and I'm tired of pretending it's all ok. I hate protecting other people from the crass things they inadvertently say because I'm just so tired of it all. Tired of worry, tired of hospitals, tired of faking good humour, tired of seeing my poor DS so tired all the time. No one really understands and I get that too - but that makes me cross and tired too!
It's a looooong journey and it's a relief (to me anyway) to have this place where I can be honest and say it as it is. I don't need to protect my cyber friends here!
Fear, anger, worry, hope, excitement, desperation, numbness - I feel all of these probably at some point every day.