Telling friends/relatives

[rookiemater]

We have started the fostering application process. However we were going to tell my parents this weekend when they were up and I bottled it.

I don't think they will react well as I will be giving up a well paid stable job ( which I hate and which means I don't get to spend much time with DS) in order to do it, plus DS is the apple of their eye and they might worry about the impact on him.

I know its the right thing for us to do, but I'm a bit of a people pleaser and find it hard to come out with news that other people may not react favourably to.

I have written them a letter so I can put out all my points and stressed that DS's safety and welfare were the most important thing and how much I loved them, but I'm still bricking it.

Anyone else found it difficult to tell relatives or friends what they were going to do ?

[dolphin13]

We have been fostering 5 years since dc were 16 and 4. My mum was very supportive but the in laws had reservations about how it would affect ds at 4. 5 years on it was the best thing we ever did I am home more, ss are great at scheduling meetings during school hours). We often ask ds if he is happy with us fostering as I will admit he has taken some stick from fc stealing toys and on rare occassions hitting him. He loves it. It has been a very positive thing for both our dc. I would say you need to try and get the support of your family because they will be interviewed during the process. Their views will be recorded for your form F which will be read by the panel that decides wether your application is approved. Good luck it's such a rewarding job.

[rookiemater]

Thanks dolphin. Our DS is almost 4, so it is very interesting to know that it was a good experience for your DCs.

Our DS is an only so I believe that it will be good for him to have other children around.

SIL family fosters and it was her that suggested it as an option to us so hopefully they will be positive about it. I am hoping that my mum will get on side but at the end of the day my father is elderly and doesn't like change so the best I can hope for is neutral.

Did your inlaws come round in the end and do they have much interaction with your fc, hope you don't mind me asking ?

[dolphin13]

They don't really have much interaction as we don't see much of them. They are good when they do visit always buy fc xmas presents ect. Son loves it. As there is a 12 year gap between our two he was like an only child. We have been lucky in that we have always had at least one child of around his age. If I'm honest I do worry about how the continual losses of friendships will affect as he grows up as he does get upset when the children move on. We try hard now to nurture his school friendships as these children will have a more permanant place in his life.We have also adopted one of the babies we fostered but there is still a 7 year age gap between them.
We hope one day to adopt a child around our sons age. It is a very hard and often heartbreaking job, but as I said before and I'm sure you have seen with your SIL so rewarding. I would reccomend it to anyone with loads of patience and a good sense of humour.

[rookiemater]

Well I have posted the letter, can only hope they respond well.

Thanks for your response, you sound like wonderful foster carers.

[dolphin13]

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[rookiemater]

Oh dear, not gone well at all. Mum is extremely anti, she was involved in some assessments when working and has very strong views that all fc have extreme problems and would cause trouble and it would not be beneficial at all for DS and would damage our marriage and our family.

They have also said that they would see much less of DS as would not be prepared to interact with a fc for fear of false accusations.

They just seemed to have completely black and white views about it which I suppose they are an older generation and they are entitled to their own views.

I feel gutted. I wasn't expecting a positive response, but did not expect them to threaten to spend less time with their gc.

The thing is that they love DS to bits and do spend time with them, also I was hoping not to have them on side but at least for them not to be openly hostile about it.

Am off for a swim to clear my head.

[HappySeven]

It sounds like a panicked knee-jerk reaction to your letter and I really hope they come round soon. You know their points are invalid and in time so should they. Could you get them to talk to your SIL to try and allay their fears?

I hope it resolves itself soon and as another people-pleaser I understand how upsetting you must find their comments. Hope the swim helped a little!

[rookiemater]

Thanks for your comments happyseven.

I just don't know if they will come round, they aren't that type of people. They can be very negative about things and once they take a stance on something it can be difficult to change them. Arrrghhh, happy mothers day !

[focused]

We are having our initial interview today and I have still not told my parents about considering adoption. I have told both of my brothers. I sat down and thought about the reason why, and basically it was because I know they would not approve. Therefore I have not bothered telling them, which will probably make things worse when I do, because I delayed it! My parents are pensioners and my dad is very selfish and would never do anything for anyone out of the goodness of his heart and therefore would not understand why I would open up my home to someone elses children. The way i look at your problem Rokiemater is that you dont need their approval. You are going to become a childs advocate and your concerns are going to be whats best for you and yours. It is their loss if they decide not to see your son as much. Don't give into this emotional blackmail, stand firm and tell them "tough" your an adult and its what you want to do!

[focused]

Sorry that was meant to say fostering not adoption lol

[dolphin13]

Thats a shame rookie. Do you have a fostering support group in your area. It might help them to talk to other carers. Their fears are completely unfounded.

I would be lying if I said fostering didn't mean huge changes to a family. In our case though the changes have all been positive.

We make sure our ds spends time with his gps. He goes to their house every Sunday. Sometimes the fc are a bit jealous but we explain that they spend time with their family at contact so this is ds contact time. They seem to understand that.
We have fostered over 40 children and I can count on 1 hand the ones that caused problems in our home. They do all have issues but most are just so happy to be part of a loving family. As a new carer you wouldn't be expected to take the very difficult children anyway.

Give them a bit of time and as much info as possible and hopefully they will calm down, and if not support you at least say the right things to the sw. Thats all my ILs did but now they are very happy as they see their fears were unfounded.

[rookiemater]

Thanks folks for your responses.

We have decided to put our plans on hold at the minute, there are a number of reasons, but I can't pretend that my parents response isn't a factor.

[carrieboo75]

DH's family are extreamly and openly anti, but we have been fostering now for 7 months. They were interviewed and their veiws where noted but it was decided they were not relevant as the contact they would have with a fc would be minimal. I can't see them chaning thier minds but it hasn't stopped us as it is right for our family. They have never met foster child and we don't see much of them now but the benefits far out way that. We have a very very difficult yp (in fact we have been up all night having our house searched by police etc) but the boys are fine and unaffected by it in any negative way. It can still work for you even if your parents don't agree