Will our (young) children be questioned during selection process?

[lechatnoir]

Not much to add to the title really other than we've just submitted our application & DS are 2.5 & 5.5 (presumably only the eldest if at all).
Incidentally, we have nothing to hide but we don't really feel that comfortable with the idea of him being quizzed as apart from anything I don't think he will really understand the concept of fostering until it happens!
Thanks
LCN

[starsintheireyes]

Doubtful at their ages. Very,very brave of you I must say whilst yours are still very young!!(spking as someone whose been through the care system)

[anji9012]

Our 4 year old was asked loads of questions, but then we had been really honest with her about fostering LO's.

It is seen that they are also fostering so they should be consulted

[lechatnoir]

Thanks worth knowing it's a possibility so will start involving DS1 a bit more as we had been holding back until we knew whether it would actually happen or not.

SITE - we're 'only' looking at respite whilst we have such young children (plus can't afford to give up paid job atm) so pre-arranged day/weekend stays possibly holidays. Obviously won't be a walk in the park, it's nowhere near the intensity of FT foster care which I agree would be very tough anyway let alone with very young children.

[sharenicely]

Hi Lechat
i have a 3 year old ds and he wasn't questioned but they did want to see how I interacted with him.

I'm not sure about your 5 year old though. I didn't say hardly anything to my ds until I was getting the spare room ready and then just explained that was if we had children to stay.
He has accepted without question our fc but I suppose all children are different and you'll know your own best.

I remember on our course they told us they would talk to any children we had (but didn't say from what age) and if they got any inkling they weren't happy they wouldn't take it any further.
Good luck with the process, it took me nearly 18 months from start to finish.

[NanaNina]

I think the important thing here, is the way in which sws talk to birth children. It fills me with horror to hear of them "being questioned" - that's simply not on, and it would be a dreadful social worker who did this.

I am a retired sw with 30 years experience in fostering & adoption. I would talk to the children in an age related way, and with children under 5 I would probably say very little. Over 5's I think it's ok to say something like "mummy says you might be having another little girl or boy to stay with you sometimes" - some of the too shy to respond to a virtual stranger, which is understandable. I would never talk to a child till I had played with them for a bit, and asked about their toys. Girls were easier as they usually had doll's houses and baby figures etc and you could talk to them while you played about a new baby/child coming to stay and see if there was a response, if not I wouldn't push it. It's a very abstract concept for a child anyway and children are concrete thinkers.

I always remember the little boy who was very vocal at about 4 and said that he would tread on the new child's fingers, and burst out laughing! His mum was horrified but I wasn't - children say all sorts of things - the family were approved and I don't recall any child's fingers being trodden on!

I think you as the parent must step in if your child is being "questioned" as this is totally unreasonable and could cause distress to a child. You could say something like "well she's not very good at talking to people she doesn't know well" or something similar. Sadly so many social workers are young and inexperienced these days and with no children of their own they just don't know how to be child-centred. If you get one like that the error of their ways has to be pointed out tactfully of course!

[NanaNina]

Me again - forgot to say that the main thing the sw should be observing is the interaction between the prospective foster carer and their own children.
You could mention "in passing" to your 5 year old about possibly having another child to stay - like sharenicely's post about just chatting when getting the spare room ready. Children usually think that it means it will happen tomorrow and of course you could be talking months to get approved and the same before your first placement.

[maypole1]

They very well may talk to the older one but not the little one but they will want to see how your children get on and how you interact


And to be honest the questions are pretty tame


My son was asked to score us out of 10 lol he said 2 when he has be naughty and 9 when its normal time and added can't give 10 because theirs always room for improvements lol


I would defiantly talk you your older one about children who don't have mummies to look after them ECt as the sw will want to know how confutable the oldest is with it.

[NanaNina]

Hmm - think you need to be a bit careful Maypole about saying "children who don't have mummies to look after them" as that is not the case. It could mean a birth child would repeat this to a foster child. Don't like the scoring out of 10 question either, thought obviously you didn't mind.

[lechatnoir]

That's really helpful thank you again. We have already broached the subject and his response was a very positive 'oh cool when are they coming' which is when we decided to slow things down a bit especially as our LA were quite vague about drmand for respite care & of course we will be limited with young DC already at home but it is all very exciting

I fully expected a family chat / watching us interact but as you say NN it's the idea of quizzing young children in an adult way that worries me. Oh and i can pretty much guarantee my youngest will oblige with some sort of comedy moment or inappropriate comment (told our eldery neighbour mummy put daddy in the shed last night which could be interesting)
Will keep you posted and no doubt be back with a few more questions. Thanks again.
LCN

[ChooChooWowWow]

I think you need to be prepared for them to possibly talk to your 5 year old.

My 4 year old was questioned and they wouldn't allow us to be in the room with him. I wasn't happy but didn't like to make a fuss during the assessment process.
The SW took ds in the living room and shut the door. I listened at the door . Some of the questions they asked him were:
Did we play with him?
Did we go out together as a family?
Did he have friends round to play?
What did he think fostering meant?
What did he think it would be like sharing his Mummy and Daddy?
Would he mind sharing his toys?
How would he feel if another child was mean to him or his family?

It was done in a very sweet informal way (they also asked him to draw a picture of his family). We involved ds right from the start. If at any time he had not been happy we would have withdrawn our application.

I do have a friend who's application was refused after the SW spoke to her 7 year old ds because he was clearly not happy to share his home, toys ect.

[parachutesarefab]

My 3 were 8, 6 and 4 when we started the process - we explained that some children need to live with another family for a while, and that we'd like to be one of those families. We also told them that Mummy and Daddy needed to go on a course to find out more, that we needed to decide if it would be right for our family, and that people would then need to decide if we could offer a suitable home. (I haven't worded that last bit very well, but you get the idea.)

They met the social worker who did our initial visit, and were playing (and then bickering!) in the background.

As part of our assessment our (lovely) social worker had to talk specifically to the children. They'd met him a few times by then, and I asked them to show him round the house, and tell him which room a foster child would have. He then talked to them for a little while - I don't know what was said, but apparently the oldest (then 9) was spokesperson, and the 4 year old said very little. I was impressed she said anything, as she's very shy.

It was definitely a chat rather than an inquistition. And anyone who works with children knows that they can come out with some real gems, which often owe more to imagination than to reality. Good Luck with the process!

[shaz298]

Our SSW chatted with our DS. He definitely wasn't quizzed but was involved in many of the sessions. Again we have been very upfront about fostering with our DS and what that will mean. He won't grasp the enormity of it all until we actually have a placement but we feel we have prepared him as best we can. Any major changes ( like changing the function of rooms in the house etc, we did prior to mentioning fostering to him) He moved upstairs to a bedroom, playroom became 'spare' room and his old bedroom became playroom. We made this all an adventure and nothing to do with fostering ( even though it was) so that he wouldn't ever have the feeling of 'I had to move x,y,z because of FC'...xx

[SquidgyBrain]

my 2.5, 4 and 6 when we started our assessment, we included the 3 of them all the way through the process, and told them what fostering was, what confidentiality was, explained that they were our "forever" children and that they would never leave, but the children that came to stay would never stay here forever, but would go either back home or to new parents and they would then become their "forever" children. We did reinforce the the children will always leave bit a lot!

We were very open and honest about fostering to both the children and the social workers, the social workers did want to see how we functioned as a family, and they did ask if we would mind them speaking to the children when we were not present - so that the children felt under no pressure to say what "we" wanted them too. The social workers were most taken aback when we said no - do you want to do that just now? which is exactly what happened, this was closer to the end of the assessment so the children were very relaxed and comfortable with the social workers.

I feel that all 3 of the children had a good understanding of what we were undertaking, as it turned out due to personal reasons we took time out from the assessment process and our littlest was just under 4 when we started, I do feel that the social workers included him in chatting to the children more to make him feel involved rather than getting much information from him, and equally I do feel that they had a chat with the children rather than questioned them.

I feel that all the ground work and chatting with the children has really paid off, we are now over a year in and the children love being part of a family that foster, they just adore having an extra playmate in the house, and there have not been any issues at all in regards to how the children have dealt with the FC's or jealousy of the time my husband and I have to spend with the LO or having go to meetings.