I'm so not pleased with myself

[daisydoofer]

I am hoping some of you experienced foster carers can empathise or else give me a kick up the butt!

I have been fostering for nearly 6 years and I took a placement last September (my third placement).

The child, aged 6, came from another foster carer when the placement broke down. The foster carer said she could not cope with the child's behaviour. Suffice to say her behaviour was extremely challenging for such a little one. What is most apparent is she has no social skills whatsoever and children get fed up of her very quickly.

On placement she was also very demanding of attention and refused to allow me to interact with my own dd, or husband. This was a very hard time for all of us, though she is not so demanding now, though it took time and a great deal of patience to get there!

She is a very controlling and manipulative little girl (So sad that she has learnt to be like this). Although her behaviour has improved somewhat. She is attending contact with her parents as they are being assessed to have her returned to their care. LA have asked if we would take her on full time if the assessment of parents is not positive. We were considering it, given that her behaviour has improved and felt we may make a difference to her life.

My own 10 year old dd had two friends over to play today. LO constantly interuppted the older girls and began jumping on the girls, pulling at their clothes etc

I suggested the girls go to dd's room and I sat to play with LO, who sat for around 5 mins before running up and down the stairs, opening dd's door and generally trying to disrupt. She would stop at nothing! I tried all ways to divert her - even getting out ingredients to make cakes - but she was intent on causing mayhem in dd's friendships.

DD became very upset and I had no choice other than to take her friends home. This then led to DD telling me that her friends in school keep "having a go" at her because of LO's behaviour - usually because she is unkind towards their younger siblings. DD was extremely distraught and said she "hates" LO. I sat chatting to and cuddling DD when LO came into the room and thumped DD in the face. TBH I went a bit mad with her and shouted at her to get back to her room and called her "a nasty child" (and I am very ashamed to admit it).

However LO now tells me she hates me and wants to go back to her previous carer. And if I am perfectly honest I wish she would have her

This is the first time I have felt I want to give up fostering. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Sorry for the long post. I have tried to make it as short as possible.

[SquidgyBrain]

Hey you are a Mum - and us Mum's don't do well when someone attacks/upsets our babies - no matter how old our babies are or how little the attacker is!

Hoping after a sleep you will feel clearer and better about things, it does sound like the LO would possibly be better placed with a carer that don't have any DC of their own?

I am newbie so hopefully someone will come along with something more constructive

Hang in there

[coinoperatedgirl]

Doesn't sound like you are well equipped to be the carer of damaged/challenging children tbh. Her behaviour was atrocious, but calling her a nasty child surely will just reinforce the negative view of herself and lead to further attention/approval seeking behaviour.

[coinoperatedgirl]

I feel so sorry for the girl, she needs a patient person, agree with the pp, someone without children, who isn't going to make her feel rejected/second best .

[PollyLogos]

Well, I think you are doing something that most of us would really struggle to do, so first of all I send my very best wishes to you, your husband and your family.

I have no experience of fostering at all, it sounds like a very difficult situation for all of you. Obviously what you said to your foster daughter wasn't good but before the situation escallates further can you at least get your/her social worker/counceller involved too?

It sounds like you all need help. I hope that the situation can be eased somewhat and that your foster daughter stays with you (if that is what is best for everyone) especially if she is likely to go back to her parents soon.

[mnistooaddictive]

I have no experience of fostering but as a parent i very occasionally loose it and have said things I might regret. I imagine most parents have at some point. Apologise to her and try to explain and move on. You are doing an amazing thing looking after a child that Boone else wants.

[Artichokes]

I cannot believe coinoperatedgirlsosts (not least because they read like she thought she'd namechanged for the second one in order to try and pose as two disapproving posters). You do not deserve to be judged like that, you are doing something very hard and totally selfless. After months of being tested you slightly lost it in the face of extreme provocation andnow you feel terrible.

I have no exp of fostering so can't offer practical advice. I certainly would avoid making any decisions in the heat of the moment. I would try and have as calm and ordinary a week as possible.

[sumum]

Hi daisydoofer -- do not beat yourself up about this, you are human, you made a mistake.

Just say to the child you were very angry and cross the other day and what she did was nasty. she is not nasty but here bahavoiur was unacceptable.

Tbh all the things you describe sound like attachment disorder which can be a sever serious condition that makes parenting the child very very hard.

You will need some support from cahms for this so ask for a referral and read up about it.

You need to make time for your own dd, perhaps a weekend respite for lo to give you chance to catch your breath.

And do not listen to coinoperates to have parented a child like this for 6 months and this to be the first/worse incident you are way way way better than me, it sounds to me that you have the patience of a saint!!!

Get the lo to make you dd a sorry card and give her a little pressie.

And the lo is testing you by saying she wants to move, she knows she has overstepped the mark and is seeing if you will stick by her, she actually means the opposite of her words - she is crying out for very firm bounderies and a commitment.

However if you do really feel(after a calming down period) that you have reached the end of the road then tell the la and don't feel any guilt, you have done a good job.

I do hope it works out for you, please let us know.

[bottersnike]

I agree with a few of the comments here. It does sound like lo would be better in a house with no other children; on the other hand, it would be hugely beneficial for her to learn to interact with other children.
I really feel for you and your dd. It must be so hard for you both. Have you discussed lo's behaviour with a social worker, or an attachment disorder specialist?

[Minnerva]

I fully agree with the last two posts

If respite is an option (and it should be) request it as soon as possible which will give you all (as a family) time away to think about how you feel.Your dd is important (as social services are always telling us) and her feelings need to be taken into account.

You are doing a wonderful job and we all make mistakes-we are not saints we are human and it happens.The important thing is to try to make amends so that she can see that you are not rejecting her but that you were upset when she hit dd and that you shouldn't have said those things and are sorry.We don't always learn by words but by actions and this will hopefully help to alleviate the situation.

On the other hand as sumum said there may be deeper underlying problems that you need help and support with so as she says, request a referral and take it from there.

I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide-it's the hardest job in the world sometimes and you musn't get disheartened. xx

[psiloveyou]

Thank goodness for the wisdom of sumum. Op ignore the nasty posts. I do think you need to put your DDs happiness first though. Sometimes placements just don't work for your family. It is very sad but that is the reality of the job we do.
Tell her you were angry with her bahaviour not her. At the end of the day, no matter how badly a child has been abused they still need to learn what is acceptable behaviour. Yes, you could have handled it differantly but foster carers aren't robots we still have our breaking points. My ds has been beaten up twice by older boys we have looked after and my reaction one time was very similar to yours.
If you feel you need to end the placement, be honest with the SW so a more suitable placement can be found. It does sound as hough she should be with carers who have no other children. If you decide to carry on I think you should insist on regular respite so that you can spend some quality time with your dd.

[daisydoofer]

Thank you so much for your support everyone. Things have calmed down this morning. The first thing LO said this morning was, "Why did you shout at me?" I explained that everyone was upset yesterday and I was sorry I called her a terrible name and that I love her very much. She said she loves me and DH and her big "sister" and she wants to stay here forever.

I am very much hoping that this was just one of those things that we all come through together.

I will take your advice and try to get out once in a while with hubby to re charge our batteries. I think the biggest thing is LO sleeps only 4 hours every night and I am exhausted!

Coinoperatedgirl Yes I take your point(s). Could you please tell me how you have managed to keep your household calm with a very demanding foster child, (and I am talking about a child who demands 100percent attention to the exclusion of anyone else)and your own child who, from what she has said, feels very isolated from her friends and comes home from school to a LO who will not allow her to interact with her family? LO will do anything to get attention, good or bad.

The instance I described in my OP was just one day. This has been happening for six months, day in day out.

I will talk to my SW first thing tomorrow and ask for support from CAHMS as I agree the child is suffering attachment disorder. TBH I think she needs a family where she can be the only child. But at the same time she needs opportunities to interact with other children which I have provided her with. Usually ends with me apologising to the other child and parent as LO is always aggressive towards them resulting in her kicking, punching or scramming them.

I am struggling here and I am not sure if I should be putting my own dd through this any longer?

[littleflora]

Where to start?

Coingirl your advice was fantastic-NOT! The poster knows the negative impact her ONE word may have had on the child. The clue is in the thread title!

OP you have an extremely demanding child there. I know how suffocating it can be when a child demands constant attention to the exclusion of everyone else. Also she appears to resent your own dd having friends, probably because of her inability to socialise. On top of all that she may have undiagnosed adhd seeing as she is so lively and does not need much sleep.

My advise is to totally ignore the unhelpful comment as the poster obviously has no understanding of how needy FC can be.

The child needs so much of your attention and obviously your own dd does too - and has as much right to your attention as the FChild.

What worked for me was to tell the FChild that we would have "special time", where she would get my undivided attention to do whatever she wanted to do for a set time - usually 20 mins, 3 times a day during holiday and weekends. Only once during school evenings. Own child can also get the "special time". This way both girls get valuable interaction with yourself and FC begins to realise that there is no need to monolpolise you. Whatever you do though make sure she gets that special time, regardless of how badly she has behaved. It is not an instant fix. It takes time and lots of patience and firm rules.

You have already shown you have the patience and determination to want to help this child. It took 6 months for you to snap and then it wasnt half as bad as it could have been. "Nasty child"? That is nothing compared to what the child has probably been called by her birth parents I bet!

The difficulty with fostering is it is "normal" for us to want to protect our own children. That is a mothers main role. Our own children get the backlash from FChild's anger but are not allowed to hit back - Birth siblings learn not to hit their brother because brother will hit them back.

I say give yourself a pat on the back. There are many FC's who would not have invested 6 months in a child with this sort of behaviour.

Out of curiosity is FChild's behaviour worse after contact with birth parents?

[FourFortyFour]

I really want to respond but feel like it won't be taken the wrong way so I will resist until I can word it better. Poor child.

[SquidgyBrain]

I really can't believe any of us would knock the OP like has been done!

If she had come on and was moaning about the LO that would be a different story, but the OP knows that what she said was not the best thing to have said and is trying to ask for advice in how to correct the situation, she is an experiences carer, and if this is the first mistake in 6 years of fostering she frankly deserves a medal!

It does sound that with a nights sleep things have sorted themselves out and the OP has apologised to the LO and they have moved on.

Lets not make this a forum that none of us can admit to having made a mistake otherwise we are left without being able to ask for advice and support without the fear of being judged.

[psiloveyou]

littleflora love that special time idea. We have that but it is not as structured. Am adding that to my list of coping techniques.

[RipVanLilka]

Hey daisydoofer :)

The two bits of advice I always use (can't remember which expert says this, mayve Daniel Hughes??)

1. You only need to get it right 49% of the time
   
2. The important bit is the making up afterwards. Not the argument
   

The last one is the best. Arguments happen. With a FD like yours, they are inevitable. My DD's have attachment problems and it is hard! BUT, if you make up properly afterwards, that is the bit that is remembered. That teaches something important to the child, and also often prompts an apology from them, or at lest nice words (as your FD proved!)

Kids with attachment problems are HARD. Attachment Disorder - much harder than that! Everyone says 'they all do that, that's typical!' Ha ha ha. The behaviors are so much more intense and frequent..you get worn out quickly...and then keep going, often with very little support

Ask for respite is my advice. Sounds like you really need it, and will give time for your DD, you could use the respite time to do something just the two of you, to help her, and reassure her you're still there for her (or you could just catch up on lost sleep! )

And congratulations for getting this far already!

[walesblackbird]

I'm not an fc but I am an adoptive mother of three, one of whom has significant difficulties. He currently has a diagnosis of ADHD and it's highly likely that early trauma/attachment difficulties play a significant part in his behaviour.

I adore my little boy but he really is hard work and it can and does impact on the lives of all of us, my other two children particularly.

Unless you are in the position then really you have no idea how draining it can be to care for a child with such drastic behavioural problems. You know you didn't handle it in the best way you could have but you're not alone, you know. I've said things to my children that I'm less than proud about, but like you, I'm human and sometimes I get it wrong. Who doesn't?

I would think long and hard about continuing this as a long term placement. It is so hard living with a child with attachment difficulties and it can really tough trying to find time for yourself and your other children. The behaviour will impact on your other children and the way you live your life will be different. If you do consider it then you need to make sure that this child has a robust support package in place - are SS going to fund therapy, for example? Or just assume that as a trained fc you will just get on with it? And consider very carefully how ongoing contact with birth family is going to be managed - and ask in whose interests ongoing contact is. I know it's supposed to be for the child but so rarely is.

[daisydoofer]

Thank you so much for your supportive threads. I will definately try the special time. Thank you for that advice.

I had a lengthy chat to my Linkworker today. She said she was not surprised that things are tough going and told me exactly what this child has been subjected to by her birth family. Horrific is not the word!

Social Services say LO definately has Reactive Attachment Disorder and possible ADHD. Plus there are concerns about her being on the ASD spectrum but they will not put her through the assessment with CAHMS as it will be too much whilst she is having contact with birth parents .

She is an absolutely delighful little girl when we are on our own but as soon as hubby or dd enters her whole persona changes. I guess it is only foster carers or adopters who can identify with this.

I did not mention in my OP that LO has already broken dd's fingers, by slamming them in the car door and has trashed dd's bedroom and thrown her dvd's, books, jewellry, hairbands, cd's etc out through the window. This was when dd was having a sleepover at her friends and I was in the bath. At 11pm - before anyone sees fit to question why I was in the bath with a LO about

The Court hearing to decide whether she will be returned to her parents will be in September so we have time to see whether we, as a family, are able to see her through her childhood or move her on to a permanent placement. She is described by SS as being unadoptable

Hubby and myself would have no hesitation in caring for her long term as she can be adorable, but we also have to weigh up whether it would be in dd's best interest. I guess it is only FC's or adopters could begin to understand this concept also.

Anyway thank you so much for your support and advice.

[ScarlettWalking]

I don't have any experience of this but had to respond, esp seeing such spiteful posts to you.

You sounds like an absolutely caring, lovely Mum and I think from your posts that you are doing a great job with this little girl.

Breaking your DD fingers is really seriously challenging behavior - is this why SS describe her as "unadoptable" ?

[daisydoofer]

Hi Scarlett.

Thank you for your kind words. LO has come on in the 6 months she has been with us and she has been given so many different opportunities. But I am sure most other FC's would do exactly the same - except, from what I learned today, her previous FC

It appears she was considered unadoptable before she was placed with us - something that SS did not mention to us, or indeed the full facts of her history!

[Snuppeline]

Wow you are truly doing an amazing job! I would like to think I could open up my home to children in need of a loving home but not sure I would be able to deal with anything less than a "normal" child. The strength of your entire family in the face of this young childs fury is tremendous. The fact that she broke your dd's fingers and you still kept her in the house... I take my hat off to you. You and your family will find out whether bringing up this poor little girl is something you can do or not. Either way you should know, as others have said, that you have done a fantastic job so far. Keep your chin up, you've nothing to be ashamed off.

[daisydoofer]

Thank you Snuppeline. I am becoming very emotional now. I am soo glad I found Mumsnet.

And to be perfectly honest we gave her the benefit of the doubt re the broken fingers and I guess we all wanted to believe it was an accident. We have since found we need four pairs of eyes in the front and back of our heads as we cannot take our eyes off her for a minute Little tyke that she is.

But after hearing today what this LO has suffered in her short life I just want to keep her caccooned away from some of the evil people in this world, but contact with birth parents seems to be top of social services agenda......

[littleflora]

Daisydoofer. Your OP says "I am so not pleased with myself". ROFL!!

You have dealt with all this in 6 months! You deserve a medal! And I just know that little girl will still be with you this time next year and the year after and so on.

Coingirl Would you like to respond??

[sherbetpips]

Now I don't know about the other mums but I will happily admit that I have told my son that he is a nasty boy on one or two occasions. Do I mean it? Of course not I mean his behaviour is nasty, but like you I am not a saint who always says the right thing. If you feel you can cope then carry on trying. Good luck to you all.

[Acanthus]

Social services don't seem to be covering themselves in glory here, do they? Surely if they consider her unadoptable, they should have given you fuller information about her background and her difficulties, especially as you have a child of your own. Do make sure that they have told you EVERYTHING now, if you are considering a long term placement. She sounds like a child who needs a home with no other children, tbh.