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I am depressed without a clue how to cope.

(119 Posts)
MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 19:03:14

This might be long.
I was diagnosed with depression last august. I take 40mg citolapram a day. Seemed to be getting better. Was much happier than before.

My best friend died 6 months ago. She was fine. All happened overnight.
About Christmas time, I started to feel very depressed again. Was like this on and off.

Last night, it all became far far Too much. I feel like I can't cope. I'm angry at the world. I'm a single mum. She was my support network. If it wasn't for my dd and her children I would have given In and let this take over but thats not what I want, I want to be happy and not feel so depressed and fed up.

It all comes down to my best friends death. I was fine. She died and my world seemed to collapse around me.
I really have no idea why I'm writing this. I just need to get it all out .

Thank you for reading.

MelodyBaker Thu 21-Mar-13 20:00:19

evening x
This thread is becoming my own personal place to write to me. A bit like a confession.
Today has been alright. Thursdays are difficult. Helen died on wed night found thursday and certain things make me remember what i was doing when i got the call.
If your still reading this then thank you. x

MelodyBaker Sat 23-Mar-13 21:50:14

Another day, another slow painful day. No chance of getting anywhere this weekend. Counselling i had to cancell yesterday due to the weather.

Earlier, i felt very very down and wanted to die. DD and me had a row, a silly little row but it got to me - made me feel worthless. I wanted to harm myself. I didn't. I came away and screamed into my pillow.

Over the last month, i have improved immensly. I know I can do this and I will get through it x

ILoveBagels Tue 02-Apr-13 11:59:06

Hi Melody, how are you doing? I felt really sad reading your words about Helen, she sounded amazing and lovely. I agree, writing in the past tense about someone you love is just heartbreaking and lots of other things I cant put into words.

Just remember, she loved you too and that is everything. Someone that lovely loving you just shows how much worth you have, so hold on to that. I know she's not with you in the same way anymore but you can hold her inside you.

I hope therapy has resumed, its annoying when it gets cancelled last minute due to weather or something out of your control.

How are you finding your coping strategies? Are you still using them?

You sounded a bit down in your last post, although I like the way you acknowledge how far youve come too grin brave lady.

ILoveBagels Tue 02-Apr-13 11:59:42

oops i meant smile, that grin looks a bit inappropriate!

MelodyBaker Mon 08-Apr-13 17:31:13

Hello! Not been on here for a while - been very hectic and busy here.
Been to cruise on Friday and counselling today and both say that I have improved immensely. It feels nice to get things out in the open and talk about how I feel to someone who cannot go and tell someone what I said - a "friend" has done that to me recently - offered me a shoulder t cry on and then spoken to someone and told them everything.

I still use my coping methods. They are a wonderful help - just little things that help me get through the tough times.

I will always be angry with myself - She never complained of feeling ill but I never asked her how she felt. If I had would she still be here? I know she would have died anyway - the post mortem showed heart issues which had caused a massive heart attack, even if she had known about her heart trouble she would have had the heart attack. And that breaks my heart sad. It just doesn't feel right to be saying to people who don't know and ask me if i have seen Helen lately to have to say "she passed away just before christmas".

Writing all this, makes me feel so much better. I can't see the screen through my tears now. I wish all this had never happened, my life for the last 16 years has been a mess. I was getting better- my life was improving then this happens.

If anyone is still reading, thank you so much, just knowing that I can post here without people questioning how I feel and asking me why I feel that way is worth more than anything to me (except DD!)
Thank you for reading - it has been 2 months since I started this thread asking for help and in those two months I have made so much progress.

MelodyBaker Mon 08-Apr-13 17:31:59

Ilove I am not brave - not in the slightest but that means so much that someone thinks that of me. Thank you x

MelodyBaker Tue 16-Apr-13 21:56:02

Evening x
Have had some really bad days recently. Felt so down and alone, I was scared about what I was thinking - my own thoughts frightened me- I wanted to end it all but Counselling has been reduced 1 session a fortnight and after the way I have felt recently, I don't like that in the slightest.

I know nobody is reading this anymore. I don't know what I hope to gain from this anymore - I feel the way I did when I started this thread. Angry at the world and myself. I will ring counselling tomorrow and ask for another appointment- I didn't get it all off my chest today.

BicBiro Sun 21-Apr-13 00:20:44

Hi Melody - I'm ILoveBagels under a namechange.

For some reason your thread dropped off my 'I'm On' list, which is why i've taken so long to respond. I thought it had gone because you hadnt returned to it. I'm so sorry.

I'm still reading. And I will carry on reading. Dont EVER feel bad for needing and asking for someone to be there.

Melody - where are your thoughts at now? what happened after you considered killing yourself? how are you feeling? you must have been so scared of your own feelings, like they were running out of your control. its sounds terrifying for you. do you want to talk about it? have you been able to tell your counsellor?

on your post before you said writing here helped you, can you keep doing it?

Why has your counselling been reduced? That is just awful considering you are in such a fragile state. What were the reasons? I am so shocked. Bloody useless service. Grrrr I am so annoyed angry

life can be so shit. my niece died 10 years ago in a fire. she was 5. i had a wonderful bond with her, she was the first grandchild in our family and, for me as the youngest in the family, the first baby i'd ever got to know and love and who loved me back. so there's a piece of me gone that i will never get back. it took me 8 years to even approach the grief and unfairness of it all, and i only managed it through therapy. before that i just drank a lot and avoided all the pain. i was so angry with life (still am sometimes), it was all just so fucking unfair.

i do still have hope though, not necessarily that life will be great, just that i will be okay. and thats what i would wish for you, some belief that you will be okay and you are enough, and that people love and are proud of you because you are enough.

and i still think you are brave xx

BicBiro Mon 22-Apr-13 23:12:24

Bump

MelodyBaker Sat 27-Apr-13 22:44:27

Evening. This dropped of my I'm on list.
Counselling has been reduced because I had improved then I went backwards. I rang ooh over Easter weekend (I felt so suicidal), she told me if I was going to try to phone back and they would come out. I managed to calm myself but its scary to look in the kitchen and think if I took x amount of tablets this would all be over. I haven't felt like that for a while.

Writing does help. It helps to get it all down and get it all out. Having it all in your head is scary and tough. Seeing if written down helps a lot. I Will keep writing as long as I need too.

I am so sorry about your niece bic life is so unfair. You have to take whatever is thrown at you and its not always nice.

I am so glad that you think I am brave bic but i am not. I try to be brave, I put a smile on my face. Tonight I'm struggling, I fought with DD and she said "aunt Helen would never shout at me". That stung but its true. She cried, she knew she had upset me. She has put up with so much. She is amazing.

MelodyBaker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:57:57

Evening. I am so sick of this sometimes. I want to get of the meds and make something of my life again. I want to do a ou degree and set mine and dds life of down the right path.
Why am I posting? I really don't know. I want a rant I think and I can do that here.

MelodyBaker Fri 10-May-13 22:26:40

Today I had cruise, it went ok and I got a lot of my chest that's been upsetting me lately. So that was good. However.... This evening has been shit. Argued with DD for no reason, cried for over an hour and just felt very down. Could be hormones or the depression. I really hope its hormones. I have good days and bad. More bad than good it seems.

MelodyBaker Wed 15-May-13 22:58:06

Nobody reads this anymore. I post for the relief. When I started this thread I was so close to a breakdown. Suicidal thoughts were so common. Now, I can cope. I have counselling and I talk about my feelings. Depressions scary but you have to try to pretend its not.
I'm so much better now.

MelodyBaker Fri 17-May-13 22:04:48

I have been "discharged" from cruise but my life changing counsellor has given me her number so I can keep in touch. I can think about Helen without getting cross that she died. I remember the good times now :-)

MelodyBaker Fri 07-Jun-13 18:47:45

Got some bad news today. Really shocked me - all this shit happens to me. And I don't cope well with it.
I need some space, away from DD for a bit. She is making it hard right now. Demanding things <weeps> coping isn't easy at times like these sad.

MelodyBaker Fri 14-Jun-13 17:01:27

I'm sat here, weeping for my friend. I'm 40 on Sunday. She won't turn 40 or 50 or 60 because she's gone. I'm a snotty mess at the moment. If I could turn back time I would. I want her back. I can barley see the screen through my tears.
I miss you x

MelodyBaker Mon 24-Jun-13 21:40:28

I'm ok. I'm coping. Not 100% but I'm getting there

MelodyBaker Sun 01-Sep-13 11:50:10

Oh god, why is my life like this? I've had a screaming match with DD and I have threatened to kick her out. She's 14 and a handful but I love her. She's upstairs kicking things, why did I do this? Why did I yell at her like I've done?

MelodyBaker Sun 01-Sep-13 11:50:13

Oh god, why is my life like this? I've had a screaming match with DD and I have threatened to kick her out. She's 14 and a handful but I love her. She's upstairs kicking things, why did I do this? Why did I yell at her like I've done?

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