Inappropriate Language at Work

[HoleinmyBucket]

In an 'informal chat' with my boss and HR representative this morning I was informed that a colleague has reported to them that I have been harassing and bullying them.

This was totally unexpected - I have had occasional difficulties in dealing with this person over a period of time - when we have had to work together on anything (on maybe 3 or 4 occasions over the last 6 months) they talk over me constantly by reiterating their point of view repeatedly - if I have a black dog then they have a blacker one - and their total outlook is to look for the worst in any situation so most of what they say is negative - all of which I find hard to deal with.

I have tried stopping talking when they talk over me and letting them speak again - but 3 or 4 words into my reply they do it again, so I stop again .. and so it goes on - I never actually feel that they have listened to what I am trying to say. So, I have also tried not stopping when it's my 'turn' to speak - but that results in both of us speaking at the same time. I've tried summing up what they just said so that I am showing I've been listening to them, but as soon as I start to say my point they talk over me again. I've tried saying, "please let me speak" - but I don't even think they hear me as they are too busy repeating themselves again over the top of me. In a couple of conversations the volume has risen because of this and others have noticed. I was told that it appears that we are both equally at fault - sometimes it has been viewed that this was down to me and other times it was down to the other person.

They constantly find problems where there really are none - and any suggestion to solve any actual issue is met with total negativity and a million reasons why that won't work - most of the basis of what they say is that "that won't work because we've always done it like this" (they have been working there 6 months longer than me). I accept, some well used systems continue to work well because they meet all the needs of the business - but one of my tasks has been to review some work processes that are not delivering what the business wants and unfortunately they are one of the people involved in those processes.

Anyway, sorry it's long, it's all a bit raw at the moment. One of the points that was raised was that I had used inappropriate language in one conversation with them.

The context was that I had been asked to cover their job for a period of time and they were asked to give me a handover. This took place a week before they were due to be at another location. During the handover they explained that they were doing an IT based task for a group of people - even though the manager of the department had said that this needed to stop and the team needed to carry out the tasks for themselves as they have all done it in the past and have all been trained on it (it's a specialist bit of software).

I am not trained in this software and would not be able to help them if they got stuck. So I said something along the lines of, why don't you stop doing that task for them for the rest of this week while you are around to help them if they get stuck - hopefully by the end of the week they will have got back in the swing of doing it for themselves. This person then dismissively said, oh no, that won't work, I need to do this for them. So I said, well, the problem is that next week when you aren't here to help, I won't be able to help them. They said that these people would have to go to "Fred" to ask for help in that case. (I am good friends with Fred and knew that he was so busy already that he was taking work home with him most days). So I said, but surely if you let them get on with it while you are here to help then they won't need to bother Fred so much. All the time the talking over me continued saying, no, no that doesn't matter. So I said "but you have an opportunity to help them instead of setting them up to fail, because I won't be able to help them and Fred is really busy".

That's the context - and because I said "setting them up to fail" - that is deemed as inappropriate language.

Incidentally, the following day they had the great idea of ceasing to do the IT task so they could help the others do it for themselves for the rest of the week!

Please, if you've not given up reading already, help me understand why that phrase, in that context is inappropriate language.

[LottieDoubtie]

It's not. Your work are making a pigs ear of sorting this out. She obviously doesn't like you (unless she relates to everyone else like that too?) but that isn't really the point, she is unprofessional in her approach to working with you and your work should be supporting you.

[HoleinmyBucket]

Really? I've been going back over and over the whole thing and just feel like everything has been painted as being my fault. I was caught on the back foot a bit with the whole thing today and at one point in the discussion was told that it was no wonder the person felt bullied if I always spoke to her in the way I was speaking then.

I'm sat googling job vacancies - I really do not want to go back there next week.

I've been told it's all off the record and informal at the moment so it won't be on my record as they consider it's a personality clash that needs to be addressed. I'm thinking I can't just carry on as though nothing has happened and I'm certainly not willing to deal with this person again - I don't want to give them any more ammunition to twist against me.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

Get out.

[senua]

help me understand why that phrase, in that context is inappropriate language.

Is it because it implies a judgement - you are accusing her of setting them up to fail?

If it is a personality clash have they also spoken to the colleague.

[HoleinmyBucket]

I really feel I've gone the extra mile in the short time I've worked for this company - I'm not young, and have worked at a higher level than my current post - so supposedly I should be able to 'rise above it' and deal with a tricky situation. I just feel totally unsupported - but that I should have dealt with this better.

I can't really afford to be unpaid - as much as I would love to go in on Monday and hand in my notice. I'm thinking I go in and keep my head down while I hunt for another job - and then get out.

[HoleinmyBucket]

Yes Senua - the colleague went to see them to make the complaint, but saying they didn't want to pursue it at this stage, before I was called in for the informal chat.

[slug]

You could use this to your advantage. Obviously the colleague has a problem with you. You, obviously, have a problem with her. Could you sell this to HR as a really useful opportunity to, with their help because you need witnesses to address the problem?

The pay off is you get to appear willing to address the "issue" and you get the opportunity to express all your problems with her communication or not style and also to use the very new example of what happens when she won't listen to your points.

Incidentally, if anyone was being "set up to fail" it was you, being left to support a group of staff in a type of software you have no experience on.

[senua]

Agree with slug. You also have the chance to play it your advantage while they are off the scene at the other location: be super-nice/helpful with the remainder of your colleagues so it looks like it is the other party that is the problem, not you.

[HoleinmyBucket]

My knee jerk reaction is that I want to go in on Monday and go back over all the points made to get my point of view across more eloquently than I managed today.

However, maybe a better approach is to go back and be compliant and go along with everything they suggest - as you say, Slug, attend a HR mediated session where they can witness her talking over me at every opportunity (if she does it in front of them). Then, be like lots of other people and stop work at the Company mandated tea and lunch break (I often work on through and do extra) and take the pay whilst looking for a new job (my ideal job with a different company is due to be advertised in October as my friend is leaving there at the end of the year - her job is completely different to my current one, in a different sector - so I could use my spare time to get involved in some voluntary work related to that in order to increase my chances of getting that job, or something similar) - the end of the year feels a long way away at the moment though!

[daisychain01]

Hi holeinmybucket if you are actively looking for a new job I wouldn't invest further energy in taking matters further. I would, as you suggest, take the option of being compliant and just trying to do what you can to get along with the person. And also buildup your networks with other colleagues

Just thinking about the wording"setting them up to fail" - it could have been taken to imply the colleague was doing it deliberately even though you didn't mean it like that. It suggest some premeditated sabotage which, if the colleague wanted to stitch you up they would twist your words around.

Benefit of hindsight, but perhaps an additional suggestion might have been "you could let them try the system out for themselves, to see if they could do the process and also agree a couple of check points to proactively ask them how they are getting along and ask if they have any queries" - rather than let them get on with it and expect them to shout if they are in difficulties. People rarely like to admit if they can't cope!

[HoleinmyBucket]

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate the views of how the words could have been interpreted.

I'm still trying to decide what to do tomorrow - not looking forward to going back - just the thought that I could walk away feels like a weight of stress lifting off my shoulders!