Needs to get this out

[oldguygirl]

Sorry if I rant with this- I know that my situation is no where as bad as some but just need to get this out to someone.

My Mum has been in and out of hospital since before Xmas.
SHe fell and broke her collar bone which because of the trauma basically triggered a total nervous breakdown due to previous severe anxiety issues.
This meant that she was having halucinations, lost her mobility and was very unwell and had a hosital stay of 3 months.
She was discharged from hospital with a 1 visit a day care package.
My Dad didnt really cope- wouldnt listen to me and ignored all that I said in regards to extra care visits, trip hazards, having her frame close by- (he kept putting the frame in the dining room so that she could not independently get up).
Just before Easter she fell in the bathroom - rupturing her spleen. She was not operated on as she stopped bleeding.
At this point I fell out with my Dad saying that she should only be discharged from hospital if she was well enough, with her mobility improved and a good care package. He did not like this and basically accused me of wanting to put her in a home. This is far from what I want but I want them to both be safe and for my Dad to be able to manage. I had massive concerns abotu her getting in and out of bed as before she fell again my 70 yr old Dad was literally hauling her in and out of the bed.

Anyway to cut a long story short I kicked off with the social workers and OT and now she has been discarged with a bed lift and 3 care visits a day. My Dad is not happy with this amount of care visits but I only want what is best for Mum.

To complicate things my Dad is being very manipulative and passive aggressive.
I live a 4 hour round trip away from them, I have a full time job, a 7 year child and a husband who works long hours and in the last 6 years has been made redundant 3 times.
My Dad refuses to ring me or answer my texts. He basically says that if I want to know anything about Mum I have to ring him. However he sends me cryptic messages via text eg He sent one last Friday saying 'What a cock up' when Mum was meant to be discharged but as the care package was not in place so she was brought home and then taken back to hospital Very upsetting I know but that was all I got was a stupid text message that means nothing. He was attention seeking and I refused to ring him until the next day- sorry but if wants to speak to me either text me saying ring me or actually bloody ring me!
I get constant digs that I live too far away- yesterday when Mum was discharged I rang to make sure she was home. I got told by Dad to not bother ringing - he would ring me if he needed me(!!!!!!) and that I lived too far away to be any use!
I have tried my best to visit - it is extremely hard - I have to put my family first- this fall when she ruptured her spleen happened over my Sons birthday - and over the school Easter holidays when I had no childcare. I could not take my Son to the hospital - so what am I supposed to do with him.? I can not ask my husband to have time off work given his previous work situation- I closely monitored the situation and if I had felt that it had been absolutely nessecary to be there I woudl have been but I kept in constant contact - daily , sometimes twice daily calls- as I have done since all of this started at Christmas.
He also only tells me half of a story and doesnt tell me when my 'sisters ' have visited or rants and raves about the fact that they havent contacted him. He says that no one is there to help him but when I do things- they are not right or try if I to give him advise - I am telling him what to do.

I have two half sisters (from my Mums first marriage) who live very close to Mum and Dad. I have a very bad relationship with both of them and in particular one of them. For about the last 12 years we basically have had no contact- we tried to have contact when my son was born but I got sick of it being one sided so stopped bothering. One has been completely useless - the other one slightly better since mum has been in Hospital.
However she is part of the cause of my Mums long term anxiety issues (tbh along side my Dad) and my Mum has had alot of health issues that she has not supported her with at all. Now that she has been hospital visiting she has started to shine her halo and is super daughter in her eyes.
I sent a text her yesterday saying that now that Mum is out of hospital could she and my other 'sister' give some regular support at home so that my Dad can get out to do thing like go to the supermarket etc without leaving Mum alone. I admit that part of the text was worded wrongly but my 'sister' absolutely flipped - she was extremely abusive and generally vile that how dare I ask her to do anything when she had given her Christmas and Easter holidays to sit at the side of Mums bedside when I hadnt been there and that I was being 'a self centred excuse for a woman'
So I am not drip feeding - she does have issues of her own - she has a mentally ill grown up son- but I still maintain that going to hospital to spend a hour or so at the side of a bed is a whole lot different to actually going to someones house when they expect you to be there and where they might be expected to do something.
I cannot commit to going every week - i try to do as much as I can from afar - I have set up an online supermarket account, I have made phone calls to housing associations, social workers, OTs, I have bought wheelchairs.
But none of this seems good enough and I am sick of it.

Sorry that it is so long and thank you for reading - I dont expect any solutions but just a bit at the end of my tether.

[twentyten]

Sorry to hear this old guy girl. It does sound really tough. You have done so much. Don't feel bad about prioritising your family. Sending to you. Rant away. No practical suggestions- sounds like you've got all the practical stuff covered. Take care.

[NecklessMumster]

I'm an adult care social worker,I know it can be hard to get support, wondered if you could get a social worker to visit next time you are visiting. If your dad won't get enuf help for her and is hauling her about it's verging on safeguarding. Sorry about your sister, no help but it's very common for families to fall out in situations like this, seeing it in my own

[oldguygirl]

thanks for your replies.
Seeing it written down and your replies has made me a bit teary. I think I am being treated apallingly so I have needed to take a step back for a few days, just so that I can manage my stress levels and anxiety - I have an anxiety disorder myself. I have decided not to ring them until Sunday - as my Dad has pointed out - he knows where I am if he needs me and he has two other 'daughters' nearby. I have done as much as I can do - I have even been emailing the social worker this morning. I will be monitoring what happens now that I have got the 3 calls a day in place- this and the bed lift should solve the going to bed issues but I will have to make sure that Dad doesnt cancel anything otherwise I will be back on to social services.
Thanks again

[twentyten]

Good call. You cannot do it all or fix it all. Take some time out- recharge.

[oldguygirl]

but why is it so damn hard not to phone.!!! I am determined to wait but its killing me- easy for them to reject me but not so easy for me to do it back.

[twentyten]

I know what you mean. Be kind to yourself.

[oldguygirl]

bloody manipulative Dad again.
I rang last Thurs- no ans so i left a message. My Dad actually text me back saying that he had been busy with the stairlift engineer- no problem but I couldnt call him back that night as my 7 year old had friends round and then I was taking them all out. So I rang again on Friday morning- no ans again so left a message again explaining what I was doing and that I would be away for the weekend as it bank holiday.
I called this morning - the first thing that my Dad said to me was a very abrupt and rude ' Have you been away'.
I explained to him that I left a very long ans phone message on Friday - his reply is that he was too busy to check ans phone messages.
I give up!!! Nothing is good enough -I am so sick of this game. I am getting to the point where I feel like teling him what I think.
I know that he thinks that the world revolves around him - I get that but he is being a b*astard and messing with my head.

Thanks if you read this - I just need to rant