if you live far away from your parents

[Autumn2014]

do you have room for them to stay in your house when they visit, or do they pay to stay in a hotel/B&B etc

I'm not sure if this is really an elderly parent topic but I couldn't find another appropriate place to put it. My parents are 65 ish and my ILs nearly 70. they have the usual health concerns (heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, etc) but are active and both my father and FIL both drive. we see them usually every 2-3 months, a mixture of us going to stay with them and them coming to stay with us in our spare room. they both live so far away that it's not possible to drive there and back in one day.

we have a little boy so it's nice that they get to spend quality time with him and enjoy being grandparents. we are hoping to add to our family soon and so we will no longer have a spare bedroom. we live in a little 3 bed 1970s terrace house. 2 rooms downstairs- lounge and kitchen, and no study, dining room, conservatory, etc. we currently have a double bed in the box room, it's just enough room for the bed pushed up against the wall, their bags, a lamp and nothing else but is fine for a few nights for guests. if we are lucky enough to have another baby this will become their room and we will have to get rid of the spare bed to make room for the baby's cot and furniture.

I just wondered if their over night stays will stop if we can no longer put them up. we couldn't afford to offer to pay for accommodation etc.

I feel a little sad thinking about it as my SIL lives near her parents (my ILs) and so they have a very close relationship with her children. and my sister has built a loft extension so my parents can stay with them any time (I don't live near my sister- opposite end of the country, so them staying there doesn't mean they could see us at the same time).

I know we can still visit them but it wouldn't be as frequent (we would alternate visits between my parents and the ILs, and my sister- all our family are spread out) as we see them now, and they would miss out on the little things like school pick up, special plays, our local activities etc. I'd really like them to be a part of any new baby's life but it feel like a big change in our relationship. I suppose it's also a worry for the future and how eventually they will stop travelling to visit us and the impact that will have on frequency of visits.

thanks in advance

[CMOTDibbler]

Could you move the double to your little boys room so he can sleep in that, and then he could sleep on a blowup bed in the babys room or your room when parents come to stay?

[fridayfreedom]

My parents used to stay in a local travelodge when DC were small. I think they enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet at the end of the day and breakfast time!
If they booked ahead they got quite a good deal.

[Autumn2014]

CMOT my little boys room wouldn't take a double bed. he has room for a single bed plus wardrobe and chest of drawers. our room has room for our double plus chest of drawers (our wardrobe is a built in cupboard on the landing!) we'd have room for a baby's crib next to our bed, but not a single mattress on the floor. we live in a tiny house :(

FF- did you ever offer to pay? how frequently would they visit?

[WorkingBling]

I think you have to play this one by ear. We have family who live far away and they have stayed at ours or at my sister. SIL doesn't have the space so ILs aways stay with me and DH. With a new baby we are facing a similar issue although will be moving to a bigger house in the next 18 months or so. For now, we will keep the baby with us if ILs visit or bring her into us even if she's moved into her own room by then. Also, for younger relatives we have a sleeper couch in the lounge and while it's not ideal, sometimes that just has to do.

B&B or similar is definitely also an option and both my parents and ILs would consider it if necessary, but it does get a bit expensive. Also, we have previously at Christmas/Easter etc made deals with friends who are travelling and housesat their house in exchange for family staying there or vice versa when we are at our parents. Which can work quite well as everyone gets something out of it. It's worth staying in touch with friends and family around that issue.

[Autumn2014]

I wish we had the option of leaning on other family near by to house sit or put them up etc but we moved away from our family for jobs and have no one locally to ask that kind of arrangement.

I plan on keeping the baby in with us for the first 6 months but we will still have to move the double bed out of the box room to give us space for storage like a wardrobe and chest of drawers.

I also worry because my first baby was born very early and we needed support when he was ill in hospital. if any future baby also comes early we will need even more support to help us with our little boy and having our parents close by would be a must.

[Needmoresleep]

Are there any holiday let chalets or flats near you?

There are near my in-laws, reasonably cheap off season. Our contingency plan should there ever be an emergency is to negotiate a let in the nearby holiday park.

Ditto we have a small holiday flat near my mums, which we also let out. Withn a year we have picked up a regular booking from grandparents who come down during school holidays to help with child care. Obvioiusly there is an expense but off-season rates are not high, can be negotiated, and its cheaper and easier than a hotel.

[Autumn2014]

I hadn't thought of holiday lets- thank you. I don't know of any near by but it's something to look into and then offer as an alternative to hotels.

[Ragwort]

To answer your question, we have always had a spare bedroom to offer my parents (no ILs) when they visit.

However my parents always used to give up their room for their own parents, and bunk down on the sofa or one in a child's room for a couple of nights and the other on the sofa/floor. Is that an option?

Are they in a financial position to pay for themselves to stay in a local travel lodge/b & b? (65ish is hardly 'old' is it ? - not much older than me ). My 84 year old dad stays in Youth Hostels when he goes to London .

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

My parents pay to stay in a hotel - they can easily afford it, and like to have an en suite and not to be woken at 6 am. ... They are 65 and 70 - health similar to your parents OP. We get on better when they stay in a hotel... In laws live an hour away so we see them more often but no need to stay over - we usually go to them. Our kids have their own room at theirs though and usually stay with them for a couple of nights each school holiday.

[Needmoresleep]

Also look at cheap holidays. Before children DHs parents used to come to London on theatre packages, stay in a hotel and see him.

"Just Go" for example offer offer cheap off season holidays all over the place. They are good with pick ups so its fairly easy to book, be picked up and then, when you get to your destination duck out of activities and see grandchildren instead.

[Germgirl]

We let my dad & his partner have our bed& we sleep downstairs on the sofa & an air bed. It's not brilliant but that's all we can offer. Could you do that?

[TheHouseofMirth]

Can they not have your room and you sleep in living room on a blow up bed?

[SophieBarringtonWard]

In your situation I would have parents in our room, & we would sleep on floor/sofa.

In our actual situation, my parents live in the same city & DH's parents are too unwell to travel - haven't been to our house for over 2 years now. But we do have a spare room...

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

OP can't be expected to give up her bed and sleep on the sofa or a blow up straight/ very soon after giving birth, which seems to be her immediate concern.

Personally I have always felt squeamish about giving other people my marital bed and won't do it - nit very self sacrificing of me (I also wouldn't turf my children out of their own beds for guests as I hated that as a child - it was always my room given to guests due to the layout of the house).

I know I'm not the only one who feels like that IRL. I am lucky my parents are better off than us and can afford hotels though, and that the in laws who live an hour away are the ones who looked after older siblings when I had the next babies. If not it would be an uncomfortable decision somewhere in the OP S'S situation.

[PrincessOfChina]

We have a similar problem, although it's only my Mum who lives a distance away.

We only have two bedrooms, although both are large. One belongs to us and one belongs to DD. We are shortly expecting DC2. Currently, we have the Ikea Hemnes bed in DD's room and my mum uses that when she stays and DD uses a ready bed in our room. When DC2 arrives he'll eventually be sharing with DD which will pose a problem when mum wants to stay. I've already planted the seed of a local Premier Inn in her mind.
Unfortunately, that's just the way it has to be. We don't have space for 4 of us to squash into our room when mum stays. And equally, her house is not big enough for us to all sleep over so we'll get a hotel there too.

[MaryWestmacott]

could you get a sofa bed for the living room? You can get some that are rather nice looking and if htey aren't visiting that often for many nights, you could always give up your bed and you go on the sofa bed - although not straight after giving birth!

We don't have a guest room, like you, 3 bed house, no space for a spare bed upstairs. At the moment it's ok because my parents live a 90minute drive away, so they can do it in a day, but longer term it might be an issue when the drive gets a bit much. (although perhaps they might then brave the direct train...)

Guest rooms are lovely, but few people with more than 1 DC can afford to keep a spare room for occasional visitors.

It's lovely your sister can afford a loft converstion to give them a room at her house, but it's not reasonable to expect you to find £40k just to stop them having to pay for a B&B for 2 nights a few times a year.

[Ragwort]

Thinking ahead, if I am ever a MIL I would much prefer the independence of staying in a local hotel/B & B if I could afford it. I'm not particularly comfortable with staying with other people and from all the MIL threads on here I wouldn't want to impose on any future DIL. .

[Superherosidekick]

Before we had a spare room when DS was a baby mum and dad always stayed in a local hotel. It became a bit of a joke as they stayed in some awful places because mum was trying to find the cheapest room she could! We now have the space for them to stay but in some ways it was better when they were in the hotel for all of us as were not under each other's feet. When DS was newborn they rented a flat for a couple of weeks

[bigbluebus]

We have a spare room - although ILs don't come anymore as they moved to opposite side of the country and are too old to travel. DM came to stay for Christmas though.
When I was a child, I remember my Grandparents coming to stay. We had a sofa bed in the living room and my parents would sleep on that whilst giving up their double bed to my Grandparents. Would a sofa bed be an option for you?

[lljkk]

They stay in a B+B. My house isn't to their standards, anyway (needs to be 10 deg. warmer, they want en suite and cooked breakfast, etc).