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Elderly parents

Mil started with new careers - and some as

16 replies

CocktailQueen · 03/12/2013 21:39

Mil has just had a new carer company start to provide care 2 x per week. She is still totally resistant to change, tells the careers she doesn't need them, despite not changing her clothes ever, never washing her clothes , not doing housework for the last five years! never brushing her teeth! not changing her bed for - god, it must be years. Have any of you ever known this to change, if someone is so against looking after herself??

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CocktailQueen · 03/12/2013 21:39

Gah - bloody iPad - carers - and quick qqs

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takeitonthegin · 03/12/2013 22:45

Cocktail

No experience in this area but bumping for you.

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CocktailQueen · 04/12/2013 10:32

Anyone? Please?

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TanteRose · 04/12/2013 10:47

Has your DH not gone in and helped out a bit, changing bedclothes, doing washing etc.

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TanteRose · 04/12/2013 10:48

It also could be the start of Alzheimer's - does she have a GP?

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CocktailQueen · 04/12/2013 11:02

Sorry - yes, she has dementia. But tbh this has been going on for years, before dementia diagnosed.

Yes, DH has gone in and helped, thank you, but she is totally resistant to the idea and defensive and he doesn't like to push too hard. He wouldn't want to changer her bed and she would want him to even less.

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Needmoresleep · 04/12/2013 11:15

Not sure if my experience helps, but as you asked...

We had significant hygiene problems when my mother first moved into very sheltered accommodation and problems with her clothes not getting washed are starting to reemerge.

Initially it was hugely important that we conquered it. My mother pre-dementia, would have been horrified at herself. She became very disorientated from a UTI and had just invested £200,000 in her new flat. Somehow between hospital and convalescent care she had lost a lot of her routines. Everyone wanted her to to get back to a point where she could manage semi-independent living.

The various helplines were not helpful. You cant make someone do something, only prompt. (The CH she was in for convalescence however seemed able to ensure she had a thorough wash.) I, and to some extent the carers, were blunt. (Me blunt?? I think my latest post on the longer thread suggests I can be.) She had to wash herself and have her clothes washed or she was back in the Care Home.

She loves where she is and somehow the message that she has to be on her best behaviour otherwise she could be out, seems to have persisted. Not necessarily a bad thing as it helps her focus on social presentation, despite the huge disability her memory loss presents.

What really got to her was me coming in and first thing checking the laundry basket to see if yesterday's clothes were in there. Its a bit like catching a toddler who has denied wetting himself. The carer did the same. My poor mother really hated it, but there was a result until her primary carer went on maternity leave and I had assumed the habit was sufficiently ingrained. The current carer is starting again, and seems willing to put up with the abuse and moaning. Otherwise I had planned to go down and go through her drawers and pull out everything that had a remote whiff, eg anything she wore regularly, and run it all through my washing machine.

My mother agreed to this last week, again because she does not want her current accommodation to know how much she is struggling. (They know of course - but I suspect that if she were unable to keep herself clean, and therefore healthy they might say she would be better off in a setting where hygiene could be imposed.) She will have forgotten, but deep down and based on conversations we have had since about the assertive approach I took at the start of the year, I know she, or at least the un-demented she, understands.

I would have a very frank conversation about the consequences of not washing. If your MiL cant comply she will end up going down hill quickly, especially if she catches a winter bug, and wont be able to stay in her own home. You want to facilitate her staying where she is. The carers will be instructed that their first priorities will be heat, food, medication and then hygiene.

You could then discuss with them, and especially the lead carer, how to go about this. Be careful to recognise and support the efforts and achievements of the lead carer. Its hard enough imposing something on a relative, but a carer who is willing to push preventative measures despite having to endure abuse etc. I also reckon that a "spring clean" of all clothes twice a year would go a long way. Easier for me because I have already moved my mum out of her original home and so though I prefer to respect her privacy, she is more used to me "interfering". The carers could also note in the care book what she is wearing each day, so different carers can keep an eye on whether she is changing her clothes and whether dirty clothes go back inot the drawer or into the laundry basket.

And as a final PS to a long post, I am enjoying the clash between a generation who saw a bath once a week as sufficient and who grew up without washing machines so dont see the need to wash outer garments very often, and a young carer who seems to believe that everything should be washed after wearing. In fairness the sheltered accommodation is far warmer than my parents home ever used to be. I remember gong for Sunday lunch and cursing the fact that I had forgotten to wear a wooly jumper and thick tights. I think they are reaching a compromise, but not without a good debate. A good reminder that I need to buy the carer a Christmas present. I don't think she is on my mums gift list, though oddly in the longer term I think she prefers carers with character.

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DowntonTrout · 04/12/2013 11:28

I'm afraid there is very little you can do.

Until things reach crisis point you cannot force your MIL to do anything. If it is dementia there may come a time where you are able to step in and arrange more care. Do you have POA? If not I would suggest you get this sorted ASAP.

People with dementia are often in denial and can be extremely unreasonable. Personal care is one of the first things to go. They can become a danger to themselves, but it usually takes something like a fall to get them the help they need because they are then forced to accept it ie they have no choice.

The more you and DH do for her, the more you mask the problem. Social services will not step in if she is living independently and has family to help IYSWIM.

My DM has advanced Alzheimer's. She is refusing to eat. It is the only thing left she has any control over. Even at this late stage there is nothing we can do to change this. She is starving to death in full time nursing care and even with us, social services, nutritionist and the medical team all working together we cannot make her eat.

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Needmoresleep · 04/12/2013 12:04

A good reminder that the approach needs to be different depending on whether you expect to be self funding or whether you will require financial support via SS. For the former you have essentially a free market, whereas things almost need to be allowed to get bad for SS to intervene.

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pippop1 · 04/12/2013 15:57

My MIL is a bit like you describe Cocktail Queen. She insisted that she was doing washing but we found she did ineffective hand washing and the grime was not removed.

One way we use is for someone to sit in a room and talk to her or give her cream cakes (her favourite) while the carer gets on with changing the bed. Once the sheets are in the machine and the cycle is started she doesn't take them out (probably doesn't know how to work the machine now anyway).

It took months for the carers to be able to change the sheets (they now ask her to "help"). Lunchtime carer puts the washing on and the evening one gets it out on one particular day of the week. Seems to work. With her clothes I collect those that I can find and throw them in the machine. They get washed with the sheets. I also throw away any clothes that are beyond wearing (she will wear them while they are falling to bits) and replace with new version.

Everytime we go, twice weekly, we throw out hoarded bits of cardboard, food packaging, leaflets etc which accumulate very quickly in inappropriate places and try and just keep things under control. We are almost winning.

Sadly she used to be OCD tidy in that she would get rid of anything that she didn't need or file it very quickly away. Those skills are lost now.

If there is a way to get her out of the house for a few hours to a relative or your house perhaps and then get someone to sit with her while you do a superquick blitz of the house that would be ideal.

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CocktailQueen · 04/12/2013 16:13

Thanks all. It is really hard. TBH this problem has pre-dated the diagnosis of dementia - she stopped brushing her teeth years ago, no idea why, and she hasn't bathed for years - she felt unsafe in a bath (but didn't want a shower or walk-in bath installed).

When I first met her there was never a hand towel in her bathroom :( Now, we make sure she has soap and towels. Otherwise, there are no toiletries in her bathroom.

DH sees her once a week and takes her shopping, does any house things that need to be done, etc.

Downton: She has money to pay for carers so they are now coming twice a week but we plan to increase that, and I have had a chat with them about personal hygiene and also about changing her bed - they suggested we buy new bed linen, Christ only knows what state it's in.

DH has POA should he need it, but the GP agrees that the best thing for MIL is to stay in her own house. She says she only has one pair of trousers (Dh says she has drawers full of clothes - she just won't wear any others) and I can't remember the last time I saw her in another pair. They are filthy.

If you give her anything -bday pressies etc. - she leaves it in its box in the lounge - viz, slippers we gave her in Sept. She is hoarding more and more, and refuses to let dh throw out things.

Pippop1, my MIl sounds v like your mum.
Needmoresleep - thanks for sharing. it helps to know MIL isn't the only one. she would be horrified if we did that, and dh is very reluctant to address his mum's personal hygiene.

I have to get him to change his clothes and shower as soon as he comes in from his mum's. He smells. Yuk. And I know I'd be more willing to see her more often if she didn't smell so bad. Gah.

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pippop1 · 04/12/2013 18:29

Buy a couple of pair of trousers that are very similar to what she has (but new) and hope that one day she will be wearing them and you can get rid of the old pair?

Shall I tell you the story of my MIL's toilet mat which I nicked to wash ( took a bag in the loo with me). It went into bits in my washing machine and blocked the machine so I needed to call engineer. I found her a similar-ish avocado coloured toilet mat and she never noticed. Machine repair cost over £100, toilet mat cost about £20 on Amazon (where else). Now if anything looks dodgy I buy something similar and bin the replacement. I don't ask her as she would always say no.

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DowntonTrout · 04/12/2013 19:04

That's a great story pippop you've got to find the humour in things, otherwise you would cry.

White lies are the way to go, I've found. I lie to my mum about most things these days, it's easiest that way.

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pippop1 · 05/12/2013 17:19

DH and I are accomplished liars now. (takes a bow)

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whataboutbob · 05/12/2013 21:43

Yep on the alzheimers forum website they are refer do as " therapeutic lies". In the right situation, they are a sanity saver.

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CocktailQueen · 06/12/2013 22:52

Thing is, she isn't bad enough to be fooled by lies like that. I spoke to the carer we have just hired and it sounds like mil's not washing etc is more a lifestyle choice because it has been going on for so long.....
Gah.

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