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Education

how can I help my dd be more social

17 replies

cazzybabs · 12/09/2006 21:36

I am sure she is happy although she says nothing either way, but dd1 has just started school and I worry she has no friends (now I teach at the school and can watch her out of my classroom windoe - fatal I know) but all the other new children were playing and she was just on the fringe.

I feel like I have failed her - maybe if we had more friends with children we could have them round to play more often but it is so hard with working etc.

Do you think I should be brave and invite some children round - am slightly scared because they have big houses and we only have a small teachers house!!! or what can I say to encourage her to mix - I already feel I am putting too much pressure on her - saying why don't you sit by so and so or why don't you play with X to the extent she had to lie about who she played with yesterday (I caught her out!!!)

I don't want her to miss out on the friendship making!

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badkarma · 12/09/2006 21:43

My dd is the very same. I enrolled her in as many clubs as I could. She goes to afterschools club a few days a week and dancing at the weekend, I send her to learn tin whistle etc... I encourage her to socialise as much as I can. she has just started p1 also and she has told me that 2 girls she was playing with ran off on her yesterday, I could have cried. Then this morning I dropped her off and she walked over to one of the girls..she promptly ran off.. it took all my strength to not get out the car and force the girl to play with her I think it's a good idea though to invite children from her class home to play with her My sisters girl is in dd's class so she plays with her sometimes too, it's good when they know someone

cazzybabs · 12/09/2006 21:45

Children are horrible aren't they! I have just enrolled dd insoem out of school clubs so hopefully some more friends to be made!

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robinpud · 12/09/2006 21:47

cazzybabs- what a difficult time for both of you. The beginning of term for you and settling a little one at school. I am sure you realise that being so close to her all day you are likely to put everything under the microscope.
I too teach, and have watched different children coping in different ways. My own dd who is now 9 and a deligthful, poised child howled after the first day last week. She likes to know the routines and what is happening around her in order to feel really settled. Your dd is probably taking it all in and making sense of it. It doesn't mean that she will be without friends or that she lacks social skills. My own dd on starting school, despite being I thought very used to playing with other children, needed it explaining to her that it was ok to ask other children to play or if she could join in with them.
A firm word of advice is to stop the line of suggestive questioning. It will not help her or you. Stick to open questions and try and encourage her to share her perspective.
"What was your favourite part of the day?" etc etc
She will know that you are round about and will need to deal with that in her own way. Praise all her achievements. Please don't put pressure on her.
Relax and enjoy watching her blossom. I know she will and look forward to hearing all about it.

As for friends to play, do it if she wants to, but don't rush it.
It might be easier to ask in a couple of weeks if there are 2 friends she would like to have home to play. Kids don't notice the size of houses, they notice choc biscuits!

cazzybabs · 12/09/2006 21:48

Thank you I knew I was being stupid!

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robinpud · 12/09/2006 21:50

God not stupid, just a mother! and obviously a very caring one.

curlew · 12/09/2006 21:50

Oh, isn't it awful when you see them on the edge of things! My dd was the third in a gang of three for ages in Infants - the other two included her when they needed another one (to be the baby in a game of mummies and daddies - that sort of thing) and my heart bled for her. But she is now in year 6 and the one everyone wants to be friends with - I think beause she learnt the hard way how to be a friend. One thing I did was to have someone home for tea every Thursday. Thursday is still someone for tea day 5 years later! Don't worry about the house size thing - kids don't notice and grown ups don't matter. If work schedules allow, do a lot of inviting round. And don't wait for a special friend to emerge to invite them round - just say to your dd "who would you like to come to play this week?" It's helpful for you to get to know some of the kids better anyway. But, doesn't it tear your heart to see them on the edge? One of the things the parenting books don't warn you about!

cazzybabs · 12/09/2006 21:51

Thursday tea day - SUPER! Shall try that!

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cazzybabs · 12/09/2006 21:53

Although thinking about it it would mean Wednesday tidying house day!

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curlew · 12/09/2006 21:56

A tip my mother passed on, and which I do every day with mine and with any child coming home with us "Tell me one good thing and one bad thing about school today" It's more effective than "tell me about your day" which often produces"It was OK" and it helps them focus on the important stuff.

curlew · 12/09/2006 22:10

I'll let you into a secret - children don't notice messy houses either!!!! And if mine's really bad, I drop the visitor home. I say "I've got to go to Tescos/pick DP up from the station/whatever anyway,I'll drop Jocasta/Tristram home at 6.00" Then the parents never see the insanitary chaos in which their little darlings have been scoffing fish fingers!"

magicfarawaytree · 12/09/2006 22:19

i just bought a book for to help my dd. it said that best way to help your child to make friends is one on one playdates where you let your child and their guest play safely without your interference. difficult to let them play with their friend when there are siblings - havent got that far yet to see how that is tackled. but it has made alot of sense so far.

doglover · 12/09/2006 22:27

I'm in a similar position, Cazzybabs. We moved our 2 dds to the school that I teach at (part-time) and I was almost in tears today watching my elder daughter (Y3) walking around on her own.
She's come from a small, sheltered environment and looks utterly lost during breaktimes; she's fine in class because the work is structured and challenging. She loves to play imaginative, make-believe games and just hasn't found any kindred spirits yet, I suppose. I'm unsure whether to mention this to my dd teacher or whether it would be better to wait a few more days and hope that she starts to interact with her new classmates more easily. What do you think?

cazzybabs · 13/09/2006 19:51

I mentionned it to the teacer today because I would feel a bad parent if I didn't. she said she will keep an eye on it. I would mention it.

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doglover · 15/09/2006 10:45

Thanks, Cazzybabs, for your reply. We had tears again this morning at the moment of parting (I don't work on a Friday) and it really upset me to see my previously-confident little girl with such a sad face. She is now coming home and saying that she played with so & so; that is an improvement! I saw her teacher this morning (I know her really well and she is great) and she is aware of dds current position. Let's both hope things slowly improve,heh!

all4girlz · 15/09/2006 11:10

like the dropping off ploy
my house is always untidy (3 under 5)
I watched my dd2 5 yrs old just dancing around the playground at break as I pick dd3 up and asked her why she was not playing with friends
just shrugged we cant make them play together but we want them to be socialble ??

queenceleste · 18/09/2006 20:53

cazzbabs, I sympathise a great deal having fretted so much about my ds being an only child and worrying about his missing out on companionship. I ask his friends back as often as I can and nothing seems to work better than that for him. I too am self conscious about our home not being v grand but people just love to be asked in my experience and always appreciate their child being in demand.

I help out in ds's school often and it is a real mixed blessing to be able to see how they are doing isn't it? Someone told me once not to get my feelings mixed up with my child's i.e. if he isn't bothered by somthing then I should limit my distress and show him my warm confidence in him. I think my son really picks it up if I fear he is not succeeding in some way. I also asked his teacher last year if she had any worries about him socially and she really reassured me. Have you spoken to her teacher? All the best any way.

Orinoco · 19/09/2006 22:12

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