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Education

Can anyone think of a positive outcome for my DD?

26 replies

Katymac · 22/03/2006 20:54

I have threads all over the place at the moment

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=43&threadid=157228&stamp=060321181303\here}
\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=43&threadid=157107&stamp=060321181340\here}
\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=157669&stamp=060322160857\here}
\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=43&threadid=157411&stamp=060322180324\here}
\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=67&threadid=157503&stamp=060322183725\here}

I do not intend hope or expect anyone to read any or all of them. I am just aknowledging that I am going on a bit.

DD has been bullied, for at least a year now and I have been accused of bad parenting by the head

I have a meeting with the head and our family supprot worker on Friday, she has asked me to come up with a "good" solution.

Has anyone any ideas

There are issues with leaving her at the school and with moving her.

I think I want the head out (but realise that is impossible/impractical)

But what do I want? For DD I mean

OP posts:

Report

scotchlass · 22/03/2006 21:20

Hi Katymac, I was following one of our threads the other day and have just had a quick look through the others. This is so awful for you and DD, I just can't believe that the school has let it go on for this long. It is the school tha is to blame you know because you have been informing them of te problem and they have chosen not to do anything about it. However you are still obliged by law to keep in educated so what else are you supposed to do? I think this mater needs to go as high as you can get it. Maybe the regional head of childrens services or your MP. If you go to the meeting on Friday and they have not come up with a satisfactory plan of action I would have a formal letter of complaint ready to give to them. ( make a copy) Having things in writing is the only way to protect yourself and your DD. I am not sure what else to suggest at the moment without hearing back from you but I think you need to make it very clear on Friday that this will be stopped no matter what you have to do. When DS was bullied the school tried their best to blame me and/ or DS but ultimately they had to take responsibility. I think if you started asking other parents you might be surprised how many of them have the same problem. Hope you are managing to comfort each other at least she has the sanctuary at home with you, that will keep her going. HTH, sorry it was so long winded.

cece · 22/03/2006 21:22

I can't beleive they want you to solve this! It is them that should be presenting a solution to you?!

Katymac · 22/03/2006 21:35

Thanks
I'm so confused

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ladyoracle · 22/03/2006 21:46

Hey Katymac, maybe not too consoling now, but I was bullied at that age, (mainly for being English and living in Scotland?!?) And all I know, and probably many other people do too, is that somewhere along the line, you are stronger for it, somewhere later you think 'I can cope with this' because you've coped before. It sounds to me like you're giving her a really positive self-image, and I also believe strongly that as long as she thinks you're in control of the situation, and are being pro-active, she will feel safe. Good luck xx

singersgirl · 22/03/2006 21:50

Sorry, nothing really to add, Katymac, but just my sympathy for your difficult situation. Since the bullying has been going on for so long, and you are unhappy with the headteacher's response, I would be tempted to move her. Sorry, haven't read all the threads again, but would it only be for a term and then a move to junior school? In that case (or perhaps anyway) I would consider a period of homeschooling.

oops · 22/03/2006 22:06

i have seen some of your threads and am apalled about this.
I think you should smile very sweetly and say that as they are the teachers in lcoc parentis, it is up to them to come up with a solution, and then you will let them know if you think it acceptable

you need to turn the tables, they must have had some training in this area, you don't and are too close to the whole thing.
god i really feel for you, you are upset becuase it has happened, because nobody helped you, and also because you feel that your dd needed more from you.
You can only do your best, sweetie, and it really is up to them to come up with something to help your dd.

maybe CRE can help??
good luck, stay strong, your daughter will realise that in the end that you are there for her and are trying to help
xx

Katymac · 22/03/2006 22:08

Sorry Ooops who/what are CRE?

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oops · 22/03/2006 22:15

campiaign for racial equality

maybe they have a set of guidelines to follwo and you could talk to the school.

i am not 100% sure tho'
it just seems that if there is a racist element to the bullying AND then, even more depressingly, the school now takes some action when a white friend is involved... maybe they have a stance on this?

Katymac · 22/03/2006 22:16

Thanks - I'm off to bed ....I am so tired

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oops · 22/03/2006 22:18

ahhh slepp well, i know it will be hard...hope tomorrow is better for you

puff · 22/03/2006 22:52

Katymac, what a nightmare. I've been looking at your various threads - your poor dd .

Re the letter, as others have said, do not take on blame or responsibility for what has happened. It's pretty clear you have been doing your best to tackle a very serious problem. it is not your fault that the school has failed to take the welfare of your child as seriously as you do.

Forgive me as I'm knackered, and you may have covered this in the letter and I've missed it, but you mention somewhere that the Head blames your parenting. What exactly did the Head say? Quote him/her, then make sure you have refuted it absolutely in writing with evidence (there's plenty - it's clear you are a brilliant parent!). It's important to tackle this in writing because I think the Head threw the bad parent comment at you to deflect responsibility from the school - very difficult for any parent to then respond in a measured way "on the spot" to such a fundamental criticism.

A couple of links which might be helpful (just in case you haven't come across them already) -
\link{http://www.bullying.co.uk\bullying} and \link{http://www.parentscentre.gov.uk/educationandlearning\parents centre}

Freddiecat · 22/03/2006 23:14

Katymac - not had a chance to read all of this but wondering if it might be worth saying something (verbally) to the head along the lines of "institutional racism". Bully's parents should have been informed yonks ago surely.

Katymac · 23/03/2006 07:18

Thank you, I appreciate everything everyone on M/N have suggested, all the support they have given and all the help they have offered.

I have no idea what to expect from mt meeting on Friday. Neither do i know how to react to DD, I can't treat her differently as I don't want her to learn that if she makes a fuss, people treat her differently, nor do I wish to keep her off school as she needs to know that life goes on.

I am at a loss

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Twiglett · 23/03/2006 07:24

yes I can .. and its easy

the good solution is that THEY come up with a workable plan to address bullying in all its forms, that its a short and long term approach involving teacher / support staff training and re-education .. that they formalise an apology to DD

then shut up, sit back and watch them splutter

if they ask what YOU want to see .. YOU want to see the professionals doing their job properly, you would quite like an apology for the way you have been dealt with over the last year or at the very least an acknowledgement .. but you want to see THEM doing the job THEY are paid to do

Katymac · 23/03/2006 08:52

Thanks Twiglett....I think I have to do as you suggested

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cece · 23/03/2006 08:56

oops

with regard to your comment

'teachers in lcoc parentis'

this is not strictly true. There is a legal responsibility to care for students in their care but thet are not actually in loco parentis as is commonly believed.

puff · 23/03/2006 12:55

one of the websites I linked to states that the Court of Appeal ruled a Head is in loco parentis.

Blu · 23/03/2006 13:13

Katymac - Twiglett, here, and Rummum on the other thread - gave some good answers / things for you to demand of the school.

I DO think they need to make a formal apoloigy to your DD, and acknowledge that they took action too late, and only when another child was affected.

This is not the moment to give up the fight and feel defeated. this is the moment that the school HAVE admitted that there was bullying, and are meeting you on those grounds. Step up and use this, don't give up now!

I would normally hesitate to suggest this sort of thing, but i DO think they need some serious diversity / racial equality training. They clearly had no awareness of what was going on or how to tackle this in the school.

Look back at Rummums suggestions, and demand that the Head apologises and acknowledges, and then puts his money where his mouth is and makes sure that the whole staff are now on the side of your dd. Ask them to make that promise, and pledge that they will get the professional training to make it effective. Dealing with Bullying, and diversity.

shimmy21 · 23/03/2006 13:22

Hi KM -so sorry for you and your dd. it sounds that the school have behaved appallingly. Having said that I have to disagree with some of the other posters. I really don't think you should go to the meeting with the confrontational approach that the school should sort it all out and come up with an action plan and not you. Although I think they should do this (and how on earth do they expect you to put an action plan in place for something going on at school where you have no control???) but I think you'd be better to approach it by saying that you want to work with the school to sort it out.

If you go in all guns blazing and threatening taking it higher etc they will see you as a stroppy parent (even though you have every right to be) and this is just not in your dd's best interest because they are less likely to cooperate with you.

My advice - go in with some clear action points of what you would like the school to do about it. (Just suggestions here: dd changing class?, the bullies being punished and parents involved, a named member of staff that your dd trusts that she can approach at any time of day if she feels threatened, more positive encouragement of friendship building and support for dd, positive assemblies and PSHE lessons on the issues, a regular (daily or weekly?) meeting between you, dd and the class teacher to monitor the incidents).

These may not be appropriate but you could ask dd what she would actually like to change and include her suggestions.

Don't let them steam-roller you. You can be assertive and demonstrate what a great parent you are without argueing. I'm sure if you go in with some positive suggestions you are more likely to sort out dd's problems and that's what you really want in the end.

Very good luck tomorrow whatever you say (remember you are being a good caring parent just by being there at the meeting)

Katymac · 23/03/2006 14:26

Thanks Blu

Shimmy21, DD is in a school with 60 pupils, the head is her form tutor, I'm not sure there is an answer

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robinpud · 23/03/2006 20:03

I have skimmed the threads and saw this last night but was too tired to organise my thoughts. THere are some very good materials from the DFEe which deal with personal and social education . It sounds like the school could really benefit from them. There are a series of topics such as going for goals and most importantly- say no to bullying which I think could really benefit the school community. As they are not really putting in place a structure that will prevent this happeneing again to someone else's child, it maight be worth you asking the school to look at the material and include it as part of their classroom and whole school planning as soon as possible. SEAL \link{http://www.standards.dfes.gov.uk/primary/publications/banda/seal/\Social and emotional aspects of learning...improving behaviour…improving learning}
Are they using systems like playground pals, nurture groups etc circle times to promote an ethos where everyone is valued? Or are they complacent because they are small and cosy? Is it a state school?
Good luck.

Katymac · 23/03/2006 20:26

DD is writing about the bullying - she couldn't sleep

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chocolatemoney · 23/03/2006 21:51

Katymac this won't help your DD but after reading your posts I found myself in a situation today. I am a regular but have changed name to make sure this is not public IYSWIM.
I am a teacher and have so far not experienced any bullying. Then today I had an upset girl in one class and a comment was made to me by a boy to the effect that someone had been making racist comments to her. She was upset so I asked her, carefully (we have to be so careful about not asking leading questions or putting words in their mouth). And she told me. So I am reporting it and have told her to come and talk whenever she wants.
I will do whatever I can to make sure it stops. I think after reading these posts I got more involved than I might have done. I asked a more direct question than I might have done.
I hope things are sorted out for your DD.

Thinking about what people have said, and about this situation now, I think the school is right to ask you what you think should be done. You know best what is going to help your DD the most and you working in partnership with the school is going to get a more positive outcome than any confrontation between you all.

Good luck
xx

Katymac · 23/03/2006 22:04

Thanks Chocolatemoney....dd has made a decision she wants to go to school without a particular child - whether this is her school or a different one she doesn't mind

She wants to stay with her friend but if the other girls stay she wants to go

There are 3 girls in her year

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clerkKent · 24/03/2006 13:14

Katy

I have been following most of your threads (but there always seems to be one more... ). I hope it went well today. I would be surprised if an action plan agreeable to all was put together in a single meeting.

I can't quite work out how old your DD is, but I think it would be unfair on her to make her responsible for deciding what is best. Obviously it is right to consult her, and her idea that "She wants to stay with her friend but if the other girls stay she wants to go " should be included as a possible idea, but (imo) should not be regarded as the only possible outcome. I am just trying to say that a pre-teen child can't and should not be expected to make such an important decision.

Flip

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