Son in reception - need some advice.

[figleaf]

My youngest started school last October, full time in November. He knew a few children by sight before he started as they were siblings of kids in my oldest class.He had one or two play dates with a couple of kids whos mums I got talking to on our pre start visits. In general he has been happy to go to school and has been invited to 4 parties since he went full time. <br /> My question is why hasnt he made friends with anyone or been asked home for tea even? He often tells me he sits in the garden at school on his own. I think he has spotted that this bothers me so I think he has started making up names of kids he plays with. I have asked 5 or 6 of his class mates home for tea and they seem to have a nice time but the return visit hasnt been offered. <br /> Ds is 4 and one of the youngest, so can get tired at times and can also resort to tears if things dont go his way but no more that I think another child would. Ds wears glasses and was being called proffessor by some kids in an older class. I stopped this by speaking to their teacher.
His birthday is in April, he cant tell me the names of a few people hed like to have at his party. He says he likes everyone and wants all 30 to come! Im thinking it is just another sign that he has no special friends. <br /> I was in hospital for a week recently and he was observed crying in the garden on his own by 2 of the other mums, he wouldnt talk to either of them or let them comfort him. I have seen other children cry and they seem to get sympathy from the other kids.
What would you do? Shall I continue to invite kids home for tea?

[figleaf]

I should also add that he was poorly last night and I was set to keep him off this morning but he insisted on going in as they get a prize at the end of term for good attendance. If school was really terrible he wouldn`t do this would he?

[alliep30]

oh, I really feel for you. that's a really difficult one. can you perhaps go and be a parent helper for a morning and see how the other kids are with him.

[figleaf]

alliep30,I help most mornings by reading for half an hour. The children spend most of that time on the carpet with the teacher. Somtimes DS sits to the side and others he sits in the crowd. Other than that I can`t deduce anthing.

[Sponge]

I know it's difficult when you think your child is upset but he doesn't sound that unusual to me. My dd is in year 1 now and still only regularly has playdates with one girl from her school and this is largely because we've got to know the mum a bit and so invite her round. If you ask her who her best friends are she lists everybody or changes her mind each time you ask. I would persevere with inviting children round from time to time and when there are parties go along and try to get chatting to some of the other parents. I'm lousy at this but it does help as if they know you they're more likely to invite your ds.

[Pinotmum]

I have a dd in Reception and she has been invited to lots of parties but not many playdates. TBH until the weather is better and they can get out in the garden I am reluctant to have friends to play. I have had a few "mummy" moments about friends and I think this is natural. My dd is very out going and likes school alot but I don't think they make real friends just yet iykwim. I would speak to the class teacher if you remain concerned. I raised the subject casually at the Parent Consultation day recently as my dd seems to idolise one girl who seems to play her and another girl off against each other as to who is her best friend of the day. The teacher told me it was nothing to worry about and it doesn't upset in any way. Keep the play dates up and I am sure they will get returned in time but some mums just aren't organised and they can be one sided ime.

[LadySherlockofLGJ]

I would try not to worry about the no one playing with him issue. DS(4) used to do this to me, then I read somewhere that an educational physcologist said that when they state no one played with them, what they are actually remembering is the first minute or two in the playground whilst they found their feet.

DS has one particular friend back on a regular basis and it is not returned because his Mum works, however she and I are friends and I know I can call on her at any time over a weekend for help so that balances out.

He has had one other little friend back, well before Christmas and that has only just been returned this week, half terms and Christmas really do get in the way.

I know he has some special friends in his class, but he is still insisting on having the whole class to his party in May, think it might be a pride thing.

HTH

[Pinotmum]

Oh yes dd had the whole class to her party

[gladbag]

Figleaf, my hearts goes out to you because thinking that your child might be lonely or sad is the most awful feeling. From what you say, he doesn't sound completely miserable at school (he's obviously keen to go) and it does take time for children to form friendships and find their niche in a class.

I think your first plan of action should be to have a word with his teacher and explain your concerns. My ds hasn't started school yet, so I can't comment from a parent's point of view, but as a Reception teacher it was a common worry brought to me by parents.

Reception is all about settling and socialising, and I would always keep a close eye on children who parents felt were lonely. You can't make children make friends, but you can observe who they are drawn to, who seems to have similar interests, who makes who laugh etc, and I'd pass this info on to mums so that they could follow up with tea invites to try and encourage the friendships. Why not ask the teacher to do this for a couple of days, and see which names appear - they may be different to what you'd expected. And mention playtimes, as the school may have systems in place to make sure Reception children are happy and secure at those times (playground buddies, freindship benches etc).

I'm sure they'll be others along with more specific advice, but hope this helps.

[figleaf]

I know were told not to do it in all the books but I cant help remembering what ds1 was doing by this stage of reception. He had buddied up with 2 particular boys and was content to play at our or theirs. DS2 has taken to bringing me love notes home saying "I`m missin you mumy" or "James loves mumy". I could cry.

It is reassuring to know about the whole class thing LadyS and Pintomum and perhaps the weather is a factor. My husband is always saying to me that he may be remembering it wrong, just as you read.

Sponge, I agree about the mums. I always give them the option of coming too.

[figleaf]

Gladbag thanks, I`ll do this when I see the teacher on Thursday (replacement parents evening as I missed it when in hospital).

[fsmail]

Hi

I would try not too worry. I was concerned about my ds in reception because he said he had no friends and then the same thing happened with play dates and then I found out he was actually really popular by some of the other moms they just had not got around to playdates. Also he wanted everyone to come to his party and could not think of any names which was fairly standard with all of the boys. I think I would reassure myself by talking to the teacher and I am sure you will have a different picture. My DS knew noone at the school when he started and it is heartbraking when they tell you they play on their own but I have since found out he would only say that on a day when he was tired and sometimes we do want to be on our own at those times so he might have just wanted a friends-free day.

[figleaf]

And how is he now fsmail?

[katyp]

Figleaf, at this age I think boys often don't have particular friends - they tend to run around in a pack! Dd had lots of playdates at this stage (though she often would say she hadn't played with anyone at school) and she hadn't known anyone at the school when she started. Ds (in Reception now) knew quite a few others when he started but has only been around to play with one boy (who he knew v. well already) and only had him and one other around to us. He doesn't really talk about who he plays with at school - another mum mentioned recently that ds was playing a lot with her ds and this was the first I'd heard about it! Ds only went full-time this term and he still gets very tired so I'm keeping play-dates to a minimum for now anyway. If a lot of the kids in the class have older siblings, the mums might be too busy with after-school activities to have many play-dates. I would try not to worry about it too much yet, but at the same time you could start to engineer some playdates with kids whose mothers you like or like the look of! Or maybe in the school holidays arrange meet-ups in a local park for the whole class? If you can afford it, I would also try to invite as many as possible to his party - ime he's more likely to get asked back then.

[figleaf]

katyp - yes,mabey a softplay centre party could cope with all 30 and store him up some future invites.

Thanks all, It is good to know that other children do (or have done) the same sort of thing.
I will try to chill out a bit.
I will carry on with my invites for tea/play, if only to give ds some one to one time with particular children.

[fsmail]

Sorry figleaf, my ds has settled in really well now in year 1 and is invited to all the parties and goes round in a big group which seems to change daily. He does not have one particular friend but changes regularly and does get invited back. The good thing is that the girls seem to like him as well. He even talks to children who are in older classes. He never says nobody plays with him now.

[figleaf]

I hope for a similar Happy ending.