Overwhelmed by split. Trying to get past the initial nightmare stage! Help!

[Totesoverwhelmed]

Hey there mumsnet. I've never posted before, but have lurked plenty. Hello!

I've just split from DH, a month ago. I say split, I've told him over and over and over that we are finished, but he just won't accept it.

He has been a total d**k for years (we've been together for 18) - fluctuating between cheating on me and mad unfounded sexual jealousy (waking me up in the early hours to ask who I've been sleeping with - erm, no one). I've never been unfaithful. Then just loads of low level EA I don't need to go into.

So, I'm just having a nightmare extricating myself from him. I'm trying to make it ok for the kids, have suggested we spend half time in the house with them initially, so they have stability, until we sort out what's happened next. But it's just a nightmare! He's crying constantly, in front of kids. I'm trying to hold things together, but he's a complete mess. I want to be totally fair, but tonight my 13yo DS was crying at me that he didn't want dad back and me to go because he's always crying and needs him (DS) to look after the smaller ones.

Such a mess. I'm being rigorously positive about dad to the kids, but he won't accept that he isn't emotionally ready to look after them, and I'm worried about leaving them with him. A few days ago he had the kids and I was staying at a friends nearby, he left them alone with 13yoin the morning and came and cried and begged on the doorstep, followed by a meltdown, so I headed home to be the adult, sort stressed out kids out and get them ready and off to school.

I just want to shake him. Whatever we're going through, be a freaking parent! Don't know what to do really. What a mess. Any words of wisdom?!

[MrsBertBibby]

Sorry, but stop messing about and look after your poor kids.

[user1474193901]

Definitely focus on your children. He does not deserve you attention if there was EA and affairs. He can sort himself out, your children are your priority. They need you to be strong and see this though. Clarity of a decision of what you're going to do will help them enormously. Dithering over leaving will only serve to confuse them and make them feel really insecure. Sit down and construct yourself a plan of action. It will give you strength to have a focus. Good luck

[HeddaGarbled]

You've tried 50 50 and it isn't working right now so you need to think again. Can he/will he move out?

[juneau]

I agree - get him out of your house, don't let him back in to visit the kids, and then focus on your DC. They need you. He's an adult. He must deal with this himself. Seeing parents crying and falling apart is disastrous for kids. Tell him he can see them when he's pulled himself together, but that behaving like a baby and bawling his eyes out in front of them is simply not on and until he can control his emotions you don't want him to see them.

[hermione2016]

Does he have a close family who he can get support from?maybe someone who he will listen too.Does he have anywhere to go? I would suggest he sees a GP as maybe depressed but your priority must be the children and be there for them.

Broken record technique might work here, "it's over please could you move out"

[juneau]

Get legal advice Lewis. It doesn't really matter whether its MLC or not, if your relationship is over then the spoils of your marriage will need to be divided up so you can both move on and if your home is jointly owned then a decision will need to made it, your DC and your other finances.