Benefits vs downside of waiting 2 years(10 Posts)
My husband and I have agreed to separate.We will sell the family home and move to a new area.I have seen a solicitor who has advised that I petition for divorce citing innocuous 'unreasonable behaviour'.However h is reacting badly to this.
He could petition me but again I feel some emotion..maybe not logical.
What are the downsides of waiting 2 years? I assume we could get an agreement in place to cover finances.
just wait it out i have ive got a month and five days to go he refused to sign anything which was the real reason for our separation so im waiting it out he won't sign a financial agreement either which is fine as neither of us have any money or assets
I think despite his reacting badly, which must be making this very hard, you need to do what you think is best for you, taking him out if the equation as that is the new dynamic. Also, even though it's all quite amicable for now, you're still embarking on an adversarial process which could turn nasty so be tactical and act strong.
You'll have to pay quite significantly more to draw up a separation agreement now sorting your finances via a solicitor and then again in 2 years to record the finances in a court order on divorce. Unfortunately the agreement drawn up now can be challenged far more easily than a consent order as your financial claims against each other cannot be finally dismissed until an order on divorce. It's a pain to sort finances then and then have to do it again in 2 years time.
I wouldn't advise anyone to do it unless they feel very strongly about not getting divorced now.
The particulars can be very mild nowadays eg he didn't like spending time with me which made me feel we were living two separate lives; he didn't help me with housework which made me feel neglected; he didn't pay me compliments
Sit down and work out the particulars together or let him come up with innocuous reasons about you.
The details always remain private.
Thank-you so much. We are separating due to H's unreasonable behaviour but he has agreed to separate. He is very keen to maintain his nice guy image so will not take any grounds for UB. H has told me he will react very badly if I petition (he has said he would defend it, which I know in reality rarely happens). He has extreme black/white thinking and is never wrong so won't agree to have anything listed as wrong on his part.
He was previously divorced and they agreed the 2 year route.
I will ask my solicitor for advice but realistic options are - he files for divorce citing my unreasonable behaviour (which will sting as I have had the brunt of his anger for several years) or I wait two years and accept the additional costs. H's financial situation is likely to improve in 2 years as he has share options and regular pay increases so it maybe advantageous.
Civilised couples send the other a draft of the unreasonable behaviour petition (we did) so the other can check it and ask which bits they want removed (no one sees it anyway - it isn't published -0 so it's totally irrelevant what it says anyway). I would go fo pressing ahead now for all kinds of reasons not least cost and getting it done; even if your ex divorces you for unreasonable behaviour.
If his finances may get better then you might well want to wait although if you remarry in that period then that will have an impact on finances too. Also you might earn more than him in 2 years' time or inherit money etc etc so it could still be you having to pay him more rather than vice versa if you wait.
Get it done now. Has to be consensual for 2 years anyway. It doesn't say on paperwork why you divorced when absolute is done. You have control of you are the petitioner. I sent ex paperwork in advance so he saw it before landed on his door. They might increase price if you wait longer as well.
Does he know that in his response there is an option to say that he disagrees but will not contest? That may help.
"Civilised couples"?! Yeah whatever well done for not having an abusive narc to deal with.
Sorry OP I took from your first post that things were reasonably amicable between you; now it sounds like he's behaving abusively, hence the dilemma I suppose. I had the same worry about triggering my xh into a rage by my reasons for divorce - almost more than the fact of me filing at all. But all the more reason to take control and show you're not going to be a pushover in the divorce. My xh defended it but nothing came of that except a slight delay and he was ordered to pay my costs.
I just wrote down things xh prided himself on but were actually obnoxious, like having a flash car, going on lads holidays all the time, partying round the clock, etc. I said his super cool special sparkliness just wasn't compatible with the grey and boring way I wanted to live our lives you know paying bills, looking after DC, taking a responsible attitude to work, all that stuff that's for lesser mortals and no fun. It sounded a bit ridiculous but xh actually quite liked it go figure stupid narc.
Our solicitors said these days your solicitor sends a draft of the unreasonable behaviour petition to the other party['s solicitor so they get a chance to suggest changes and tone it down or remove bits. It worked relaly well doing it that way. i thought most divorce lawyers recommend that kind of an approach so if there is something he particularly does not want in there you can easily just remove that bit and still get a divorce. It just seems to be the best way to get an unreasonable behaviour petition agreed. I accept some people will instruct their lawyers not to agree to the petition at all of course.
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