Feeling hopeless - Seperating and OH wont move out

[LOZEmy4]

Hi, this is my first time posting. My husband and i are separating after having problems and trying to make things work for a very long time.

Basically I felt trapped - sulky, moody, not liking me going out with friends, always wanting to just go out as a family, constantly questioning whatever money I spent (even if was only a couple of ponds in a charity shop - I have never been over the top with spending) If went out was moody if was later than expected getting back etc. He is also very strict on kids (have 4) to the point of giving punishments for the slightest things. I couldnt cope anymore.

I ended it in January, and his reaction was to start contacting women, going out and starting a relationship with another woman. All while refusing to move out, expecting me to still cook, clean and wash his clothes. He is demanding half of the child benefit and I have to tell him everything I buy for kids with it.
I managed to get him to leave in May, but he persuaded me to take him back and give our marriage one last go and promised to leave if it didnt.

It hasnt work and I have told him I dont love him anymore as too much as happened and I cant get the feelings back and forgive everything.

Now he is refusing to move out unless I sign 2 kids over to him so he can get a 3 bed council house as he says he cant afford to rent private. I have refused and he is threatening to tell kids I have forced him out if I do anything to get him to leave (ie if I end tenancy on current house)

I just dont know what to do, I cant take it anymore. He is nasty, abrupt when talking to me, constantly causing silly arguements then says its me reading into things. he is manipulating the children by playing the ott best dad role over everything. He is a good dad, but not always the most emotionally supportive with them, he guilt trips them a lot if they dont want to do things his way.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Many thanks x

[CaptainM]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I wondered about your children's ages when I read your post. How much do they know/understand about what's going on? I'm in a similar (refusing to move out unless he gets what he wants) position as you, and I'm finding that ignoring him (for now, whilst I sort myself out) seems to be working. I wonder if like my STBXH, he's really just looking to get a reaction. It can become a little control game for them and the more they're ignored (and they don't get a reaction), the more pointless it becomes.

[Dogcatred]

Might you get a non molestation order on the new grounds of coercive control - I think there is a new criminal offence? A family solicitor would be able to advise you on it.

My ex was advised not to leave until the whole divorce and money stuff was totally over but then he did go once he got his money from me after 7 very long months. During that period of course both spouses are entitled to live in their home - it is something you both own (in our case) or rent (in your case).

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Please don't sign anything that gives him any control over the kids or money. Make a free app with a solicitor asap. And stop doing his washing etc!!

[RandomMess]

Speak to Woman's Aid and do not do ANYTHING for him, start a claim for Child Tax Credits as a single parent. This means you cannot do anything for him and need to have your finances separate to his and operate as a house share only.

[LOZEmy4]

Thanks all. I will contact woman's aid asap. Children are 13,11,9 and 5. We have told them we are separating and X sleeps on settee (after a period of him making us take it in turns) but I feel it must be very confusing for them. 9 year old is easily woken and has heard more arguing than the others and is being effected by it more. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, he wants half of everything out of the house, child benefit in a joint account even if he has moved out so he can have a say on what its spent on. Even said I would have to contribute to decorating his new place if he moved out. I am trying to becas reasonable as possible for the sake of tge kids but its getting harder and harder (he even goes through receipts and questions what food I've bought n has analysed every penny spent on uniform) our monies are now separate but we go halves on all the bills/food etc

[Dogcatred]

As you are just renting is there anything that keeps you where you are other than the important point that children have stability?
May be the simplest thing is to move the children and you out into somewhere else you both rent although you would still be jointly liable on the current rented place so I suppose that would not help unless your lease on the current place is soon up for renewal. I suppose you would also need to find a new deposit which is very hard too.

Is it likely he or you will have the children living with them? The law is fairly gender neutral - eg in our case we both worked full time so either could have got the children except they were older and chose to live with me. 13+ and the courts tend to let children choose. Most children do not want to be with parents half the time each and most couples cannot easily afford two places of the right size anyway.

If he's never hit you it may be hard to get an emergency court order to exclude him (non molestation order)

I agree. Don't sign anything and see Women's Aid.

[JaffaCakesMum]

I can't really help at the moment but you are helping me as I am in the same situation except we own our house outright and my H thinks that it is his! He is very controlling, manipulative and verbally aggressive to me and my DDs (17 & 15) to the extent that my oldest stays with her boyfriend most of the time. I am now sleeping on the floor in the lounge as he was coming to bed every night, lying of his back and snoring like a pig knowing it would deprive me of sleep. Previously he would fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Yesterday he told my oldest that she is half the person her sister is, she was devastated. I'm struggling and I've had enough so today I'm going to see a solicitor and not just for advice I want her to get the ball rolling.

[LOZEmy4]

Good luck JaffaCakesMom, hope it goes well.
We live in a council house and I am not in a position financially to private rent on my own. Ideally I wouldn't want to move the children from the only home they have really known.
I work part time, term time only. He works full time, thought has threatened to give up his job to fight for kids to stay with him. His name is on tenancy so I cant make him leave.
He has never hit me but is controlling, manipulative, lies, snoops in my things, gets quite verbally aggressive during arguements. My emotions are all over the place. He is a good dad, but very possessive, wont let them be independent. He was very loving when we were together, attentive, spoilt me with gifts at birthdays etc. But possessive with me, never trusting me, moody, very lazy round the house and with d.i.y. felt like a single mom in that respect for years. He was only happy if it was just us and the kids in our own little bubble, wanted to always do everything together, even the smallest thing like popping to the shop.
Ive stayed for the kids for so long but feel so suffercated I cant take anymore. But seems I will be stuck with him forever

[MsJamieFraser]

Can you not go to the council and ask to be rehomed? Go back in the waiting list, even if it's with a difference HA or council.

I'd also log with he police (101) every time he questions you in money, he's brig finiancially abusive, you don't need to give him answers if what you've spent, just state here's the bill and I'm not discussing this with you further.

Any of this shite that he's giving up his job to look after the kids is BS, how's he going to support his kids? Because he gave up his job and therefore won't be entitied to benefit, he also can't claim for the kids! Whose name is the HB in? If yours he gets no say in how you spend that money.

Also don't do any of his work, don't make his meals or do his washing etc... Hey will soon be fed up. Also this shite that you will need to decorate a new property! Rubbish! On the divorce there will be a settlement, he's doesn't get to dictate what you spend your money on.

[FV45]

jamie There is no such thing as logging with the police when you call 101 regarding abuse. I was advised to do the same with my EA ex. The police turned up at the door. The second time I called them I insisted I did not want them to come to the house but in return I had to go to the DV unit the next day to talk to someone.