Do I have to agree to this? Christmas/birthday arrangements

[CreepyCrawly]

H and I separated in May, my decision.. I now realise he was EA and controlling
Sometimes we get on, sometimes we don't.

We have DD, who'll be 3 in January. At the moment, H has DD from 6pm on a Monday until 10am on a Wednesday. He lives an hour away, has had her for 2 weekends since we've been separated. He doesn't see her at any other time, only on those set days.

He has brought up Christmas and her birthday. He wants me to decide which of the days I'd like to have her and which day he can have her.
I want her both days. As selfish as that may make me. I have said he can see her anytime he likes on Christmas Day, but she stays with me. Last Christmas, it was just me & DD for the day because he put his name down to work. His putting work before his family played a part in our split.

DD's birthday falls on a Monday, so on 'his' day anyway. I've said I could have her as normal, she can go to nursery and see her friends on her birthday and he can have her for the afternoon/evening and the next day.
He says this is unreasonable and wants her to wake up at his house on one of the days.

I can understand how he feels, but I am adamant I want her with me for both days. I find it hard to stand up to him.

I hope all this makes sense, and I totally realise I am probably being unreasonable..

[SushiAndTheBanshees]

Oh dear. I can see why you would feel the way you do, but I think you may have a problem.

Is there any way you could all spend Xmas eve and Xmas day together?

What do you think DD's preference would be? Does she like going to him?

[CreepyCrawly]

A big problem :(

It's possibly doable.. But H has a new girlfriend and will likely want to also spend the day with her, and her DC.

DD likes to go to him, and he is on the whole a good dad. She's not yet old enough to choose though.

Since having DD, we have spent every Christmas with his parents so a part of me is feeling it's 'my turn' to spend it with my family this year, rather than by myself..

Love your username by the way :D

[MidnightVelvetthe4th]

Its a difficult one & I understand why you want to have her both days (particularly when he couldn't be arsed last year to spend Christmas with you), but ultimately I think 'special' days have to be shared equally & its unfair for either partner to not do so in a situation where you are both amicable.

I do the same with my ex, we alternate Christmas & birthdays so this year I have them for Christmas & he has had them on their birthdays & next year we will swap. Its just part & parcel of being divorced & I do find it hard sometimes but its the fairest way to do it so that both parents share in special moments.

He's not being unreasonable to want this arrangement, sorry. You're not being unreasonable either but put the past/what you have done for x years behind you & concentrate on providing your daughter with the best of both worlds going forward.

[MythicalKings]

I think you have to agree to one or the other, it's only fair. And be prepared to swap next year.

[PrettyBrightFireflies]

A simple answer to your question is no, you don't have to agree. But if you don't, the risk is that your DDs dad will ask a court to decide on care/contact arrangements, and then, whether you agree or not, you'll have to follow a court order.

Given the level of care your DD receives from her Dad, I think it's very unlikely that a court would award just EOW - and it is quite common for Xmas's and birthdays to be alternated; giving each parent the opportunity to take their DCs away.

Your ex has been quite reasonable by asking you which of the days you'd prefer - you might want to meet him halfway rather than risk a court making the decision for you.

[NewLife4Me]

I'd let him do birthday and you do Christmas and then next year alternate.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

we work it so that DD1 goes to her dad's Xmas eve,stays overnight and does presents first thing then comes home mid morning and stays with us. That way DD Sees everyone important to her

Maybe this would work for you too? I prefer this to alternate years etc.

[LizzieMacQueen]

Gosh, this may make me a bitch but are you sure it was him being the controlling one?

[CreepyCrawly]

Yeah I know I'm going to have to just put on a brave face and let it go. It's just hard to be honest. I know it's selfish, I don't want to spend Christmas or her birthday by myself.

Thank you for your replies. This has been the hardest thing about separating.

And no, I'm not the controlling one. I understand it may seem that way though.

[OohMrDarcy]

We do it like this:

Xmas eve - we alternate who has them in the day
Xmas day - they are with me, however EXH is welcome to come over for a couple of hours in the morning to be with us for the present opening
Boxing day - they are with him

we do that because my family always does a xmas day thing and his a boxing day thing, so then they are not missing out on any family stuff.

Birthdays - we don't change their routine as such - so if its his weekend, that will stay or if they are with me they'll be with me - however we always arrange to see them on their birthday - eg if its a school day we'll all go for ice cream or something all together. Two reasons 1 - its only an hour or so, but the DC find it reassuring seeing us together 'for them' and 2 - we think the DC have a right to see both parents at some point on their birthdays.

[CreepyCrawly]

Thank you oohmrdarcy, that's what I'd like the plan to be.

I am more than happy for H to see DD whenever he likes on Christmas Day, and he's welcome to have her at his on Boxing Day too. I think last Christmas has swayed my feelings on him having her this year because he didn't want us last year.

Her birthday falls on 'his' day, and she has play school (which she loves). I have no problems whatsoever with him picking her up from school on her birthday and then having his usual time with her. (Which would be more than usual if he picked her up, because at the moment I drive her down to him for 6pm)


I'm in no way stopping him from seeing her on either days, I just want her to wake up with me, in her home, for them. But I understand that he does too :(

[custardcreamdreams]

Birthdays we do together. They spend the day with whoever has them and the other parent joins up to take them out to dinner or whatever's planned .

We used to do half day Christmas. As in one has them for the morning, the other for the afternoon, then swop the following year. Now we do alternate as it is kind of easier not having to arrange travelling anywhere on Christmas Day. Bit selfishly the plus side is there is one year it stops my tendency to go overboard present wise for the dc as they've already had their Christmas morn and it saves a bit of money. Not perfect by any means and I'd love to spend it all with them but it's only fair for the dc and their dad too.

[DivorceAlchemist]

CreepyCrawly, I know it's difficult and it's important that you share your DD at these important times. Remember that Christmas is when you say it is and that each family has their own traditions as you've seen from this thread. It will get easier as the years go by. It's important that you make the decisions and your DD is never asked to choose. When she's older she'll tell you herself what she wants, but that is a long time away. Be kind to yourself, your feelings are normal

[Husbanddoestheironing]

My DSD, now grown up, maintains that one of the very few positives about divorced parents is that it means you get 2 birthdays and 2 Christmas days every year. Having them on a different day doesn't make them second best, just different.

[CreepyCrawly]

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and support. It's helped to just talk about it too. This is all so new and scary!

DD is going to stay with me for Christmas, and go her dad on Boxing Day.
She will stay at his the day before her birthday and then come home to me the afternoon of her birthday.

Thank you all again :)