how to get through summer, and when to tell children we are separating?

[damnstatistics]

I have told H that I want a separation - relationship has been in decline for years - but I can't physically move out for 2 or 3 months until I can start earning.

So we have the summer together at home with DD 18 and DS 14. H wants us all to go away on holiday together - but I think this would be disastrous! The kids will be around a lot at home as well. How on earth can we get through the summer?

And when should we tell the children? If I tell them now, that would explain some things, but will it be too confusing for them that I am still around for a couple of months?

[mrsdavidbowie]

I would tell them now. They are older and it will be very difficult in the house. They will pick up on it.
Better IMO to get it over and done with.

And no to holiday.

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

They are 18 and 14. You must tell them now. Believe me, they will know already I strongly suspect. It would be absolute madness for you all to go on holiday. They will be Ok - I promise.

[damnstatistics]

Thank you for being blunt about it.
I am scared of telling the kids and making them unhappy. But probably best to get it over with, help them to start to understand how it will affect them.
Maybe I can arrange a few days away for just me & DC, and H can do the same.

[mrsdavidbowie]

Mine found out on Xmas Day
But you know, it got easier.

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

We were going to tell ours after Xmas but stupid ex-H told a friend who told someone who told me. So I thought it better to tell the children then before they found it out from someone else. And that was about 3 or 4 weeks before Christmas.

They really weren't bothered. They'd seen it coming. And children are intrinsically selfish. When they knew they'd still have Christmas and their own rooms etc they just took it on board. It's a sad fact of life that most of their friends' parents are divorced so it's not the "shock, horror" story it used to be.

[Minime85]

My children were younger and we planned to wait from October til after Christmas but I just couldn't bare to be in same house as him in the end and I felt like such cases a fraud lying to the kids and making out it was happy families.

I'd make sure their schools know and agree they probably know if older even if it's subconsciously.

If you haven't booked then I wouldn't go ahead with the holiday. We had no choice but to go on a holiday as he told me two days before we went that he didn't love me any more. The whole thing again felt like a sham and a save your marriage type affair. I found it very difficult. Each relationship and therefore end to any relationship is different though so only you know I guess. Good luck

[damnstatistics]

yes, living a sham has been going on too long. It is very exhausting.

Thank you, it is so good to have your real stories and unbiased opinions, when there are so many pressures on from different sides.

[Minime85]

Tell them the truths that nothing has changed about how much you love them. You just don't love each other in that way anymore and to be able to stay friends you need to live in separate houses. It might help if you have an idea of how it will work for them practically. We told ours they would live with me and go and stay at daddy's (they were 8 and 6). I went to see daddy's new house with them. They saw there room there. There are pictures of him in their rooms and they have one of me at there room at his house. They feel safer with routines I think so just knowing some things will help. I'd advise to tell them together if you can.