Unmarried in Long Term relationship: any advice about moving on?

[notsogoldenoldie]

I've been in a long-term relationship for 30 years and we have a dd, 13. A while ago I found proof of his infidelity and the relationship is now well and truly over. I know the idea of a "common law" wife is a myth, but I do not want to make a move until I am sure about where I stand financially. I'm also still very angry/bitter and I don't want my judgement to be affected by my state of mind. At the moment I'm still living in the family home, which belongs to him. I don't know how much longer I can stand this, so I want to be prepared for when I make the move. He is leaving everything up to me, and is so detached that he is very difficult to talk to. I've made enquiries about mediation and taken some tentative legal advice. I need to move on, but can't seem to get my head around things at the moment. I also feel he's been taking the piss and I don't want to sell myself (or my daughter) short.

Basically, I gave up my job when dd was born. Had I kept the job, I would have been earning around 40k plus pension (education sector). I rented out my house, moved into his and, with the income, plus bits and pieces of casual work, financed myself and dd whilst he paid most of the household bills. It seemed fair at the time. He was earning around 70k in a job which he lost about 4 years ago, and spent his 50k redundancy package on a business, which is now breaking even.

He now earns about 40-50k on a self-employed basis. He also has a decent public sector pension. The home is worth about 340k, with about 150k in equity. I now own my own house outright. This is worth around 170k, but not readily sellable as it needs work.

He's assuming that I will take dd and move back into my old place, with no further hassle to him. Dd is now old enough not to need so much childcare, but, at 55, I've now woken up to the fact that my employment prospects are not great (I've been working on this) and that I will lose a hefty chunk of my current income if I do this. I have the option of selling the house (which is a tiny terrace in a nice area ideal for dd's school) and buy somewhere outside the area outright and have something left over for emergencies. This would mean taking dd out of the area, away from her friends and school catchment.


So I'm not sure what to do for the best. I'm taking meds for mild depression and having cbt. At the moment I can't seem to separate my anger towards dp from the facts. I don't want to be grabby or dramatic. I want a fair solution but don't want to sell myself short either (I also appreciate that my situation is far from dire).

Any thoughts, O wise ones?

[LittleBearPad]

I'm sorry. You will need to agree child maintenance either directly or with the CSA but you can't claim maintenance from your ex-partner.

[Patchworkpatty]

Will your stbexp offer you any financial assistance above that which you are entitled to as an unmarried partner (ie. child maintenance only) ? if so then try and make your own agreement if at all possible. would he for example agreement to helping you to fix up your own place for you and his daughter to enable you to stay in the area. ?

[WhiskyTangoFoxtrot]

Not expert in this, but having been on the sidelines of similar circumstances in RL, I think his expectation is broadly correct.

You have no stake in his house as you are not married, and I think you would be very unlikely to obtain an order to continue to reside in it until your DD's majority because you have your own house to go to. Whether you think it needs work won't come in to it. Where you decide to live, if you do not want to stay there, also won't come in to it.

You won't get maintenance for you, as you are not married.

You will get child maintenance. Have you looked at CSA calculator for the amount you can expect to receive? How receptive would be be to the idea that it's a minimum? It would be worth seeing if you can secure an additional lump sum for your DD, but that would be something to negotiate between yourselves because (unless it was for something like continuing school fees) it's a bit uncertain if you'd succeed.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Thanks all. I wasn't looking for maintenance for myself, really, but I was wondering if the money I'd spent on the home (probably about 10-15k ) would count for something, plus the fact that he hasn't spent any of his money on dd or helped with childcare so I could earn more myself could be taken into account? I feel a right tit for letting him f take advantage of me (as I see it) but I did so in good faith and did not anticipate this. Had I done so, obviously I would have taken steps to avoid it. I feel he has manipulated me into this situation, knowing that he could depend on me not to make a fuss. I do not feel conciliatory towards him now and recognise him for what he is-a sly, manipulative, unscrupulous lying specimen of a person.

[WhiskyTangoFoxtrot]

You might stand a chance of getting back some or all of the money you put into maintaining his property. Can you prove how much you spent?

Your previous decisions to reduce your earning capacity, for whatever reason, won't be relevant as you were not married.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Whisky-no I can't prove it. But, apart from the telly it's pretty much all the furniture, flooring, decorating. We've been here for about 10 years, so there's quite a lot of investment. I've also put stuff in the conservatory roof to make it more temperate, plus blinds etc. But I did this in good faith and it honestly didn't occur to me to protect myself. Idiot!

[notsogoldenoldie]

.....and I'm off to check the csa calculator. Thanks.

[crimsonh]

You should be able to get maintenance for your child.
I think his pension he receives and current income will be counted minus his current pension contributions.
I would make sure I have prove of his income (screenshots/printouts) in case he starts hiding it from you.

I would not sell. This is your security for the future. If needed you can downsize in few years time when your dc starts being independent.
Get together all bills for improvements you've paid for and once you got your stuff together go and see a solicitor.

[Aprilshowers2]

Oh for goodness sake Mary- is this really the best place to advertise a dating agency?

Go away and I hope MNHQ remove your post- it's not allowed.

[Aprilshowers2]

I can't see how you would be entitled to anything from him- sorry.

Even if you paid for furnishings etc I'd assume his contribution to the house - which benefited both you and your DD- far outweighed this. He would be paying the mortgage, the council tax, utility bills and food?

You bought the furnishings etc out of your own free will- no contract to say he would reimburse you in the event of a break up.

Sadly many women do not understand that if they live with a guy who is the householder then they are not legally entitled to anything if they split.