Feel a bit silly posting this but it's something that's been on my mind a few months and I have not discussed it with anyone . . ,
I realised only last night, that this January, if my first marriage had worked out I would have celebrated my 30th Wedding Anniversary.
I met my first husband aged 18 (he was 21) and it was love at first sight (just bear in mind here how immature I would have been). I got pregnant very quickly and we had a "shotgun" wedding 5 months before our ds was born. The thing is, I didn't realise it was a "shotgun" wedding; I thought he was my "Soul Mate" if such a thing actually exists . . .
Anyway to cut a long story short, after our Son was born, I developed PND and my husbands went completely emotionally cold on me. Basically he never kissed, touched and even talked to me really ever again. In bed he would turn his back to me. I put up with it for 5 years as I was too scared of being alone until finally I found the courage to leave.
I remember feeling like life wasn't worth living.
A year later I met my second husband. He was the complete opposite to my first and everything my parents would have wanted/approved of. However, he turned out to be very controlling and a bit "fisty" if I stood out of line. After 9 years of being together and after being punched for the third and final time, I again worked up the courage and left.
Since then I haven't had a successful relationship. I have brought the children up on my own.
My first husband has never paid a penny in maintenance but he does have a relationship with his Son.
Now the point to this thread is, is still upsets me, my first husband rejecting me the way he did and although it's so long ago it's in the forefront of my mind atm as I see other couples who have been married 20+ years who have paid off their mortgage, have nice holidays and enjoy the Grandchildren together, whereas I a still a single Mum struggling to make ends meet. I think it's affected every relationships ever since (being extremely insecure and having low self esteem) and counselling hasn't really helped.
I bumped into him and my Son at the local supermarket a couple of weeks ago. I am usually chatty, confident and outgoing. Just seeing him reduced me to a quivering wreck! Next time I saw my son i asked "what did Dad say about me?" and he replied "oh you know Dad never says anything nice about you - he knows you look good, he just won't admit it".
I have started to wonder if confronting him is a good idea - to get some "closure" as I still do not know why he rejected me. Perhaps he never loved me in the first place or perhaps I drove him away. Perhaps he founding the responsibility of parenting too much at such a young age or perhaps he is just emotionally stunted. I can go to his house (he's never remarried) and ask face to face or I can contact him via facebook. Or is that just completely ridiculous and I just need to get over it and move on completely?
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7 replies
AloneReed · 01/11/2014 07:47
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