About to get started on divorce - need some encouragement!

(6 Posts)
sus14 Sat 12-Oct-13 13:29:46

I've been in a desperately unhappy marriage for 5 years. The first couple of years were marked by domestic violence, including when i was pregnant. Then I got diagnosed with cancer, and the violence lessened. It finally stopped after he dragged me across the room by my hair in frnt of my daughter - and I told him to leave when I saw her reaction (she was 3). I involved the police as he left and sent me suicidal messages. They persuaded him to go onto antidepressants and things got better for a while on and off. However he comes off them without discussing it - he came of them the day before christmas eve last year which led to him calling my daugther a bitch on christmas day. The violence has stopped but the emotional abuse is unbearable - ranting at me about no sex, about anythng. That lessened over the summer because I told him I would divorce him - he involved my dad and talked to him about our lack of sex life. But I'm feeling stronger and the other day asked him to help with the housework - I work 3 days a week - he is freelance and maybe works 2 days a month so is at home all the time. I am fed up with having to spend my days off clearning up and cleaning. He threw a glass of cordial over me - I got it in my eyes and I inhaled it and was in absolute agony as it had ginger in it. So that has been the last straw. The last two days - whe nI have been off -he's been absolutely horrible just when I need to relax. He has got cross if me and my daughter want to spend time together doing anything - he says I am pushing him out - but he has her the days when I am at work.

He won't move out and I can't afford to. From reading some of these threads I see that the best thing is just to push on with the divorce. However I am terrified. He tells my daughter (5) all the tiime that mummy is going to divorce daddy and he will have to go and live 100s of miles away in wales. She gets upset, I get upset. I am terrified of making this final step but I also feel that I am missing enjoying her childhood by being so miserable all the time.

I've made an appointmetn to see a solicitor for a free half an hour of advice in a fortnight. The house is joint and he bought it outright with his money - my money has paid for an extension and loft. He says that he can prove how much he has put in and he wants that back. I need half of it to be able to even begin to afford to buy anything for me and my daughter.

I'm terrified abotu starting this and doing the wrong thing. But even when things are good they are not that great. For eg I get told off for loading the dishwasher wrong. I get told I am spending too much on food (of all things) when I am the main earner. I suggested I move my work days around as at present I am not taking my daughter to any of her sports clubs - she does 2 so I suggested we do one each - cue metnal outbreak about how I am taking over.

I'm also terrified about losing custody as I work and he hardly does. However I can work my job around childchare - he is freelance and cannot do this.

any words of advice especially about the effect on my daughter of going through this would be gratefully received xxx

duchesse Sat 12-Oct-13 13:35:58

You know this is wrong. There is no justification for domestic violence. Your H is a shit.

DV in the presence of children is deemed to be violence against the chidlren as well. You did the right thing getting him out. You must wash that man right of your and your daughter's hair. He is playing with her mind. By divorcing him and limiting contact you will actually be doing her a favour. Apart from anything else you will be happier and stronger.

You can do this alone. You can only gain from leaving this abusive relationship and rediscovering who you are.

Stay strong and stay safe.

duchesse Sat 12-Oct-13 13:49:14

Bumping for you OP. I'm not sure many people come by this topic.

78bunion Sat 12-Oct-13 14:18:12

Is the child his daughter too?

ItsCrazyOutThere Mon 14-Oct-13 10:45:22

You're doing so well. Can you get your house valued or get a good idea of what it's worth and how much collateral there is in it? I'm sure your daughter and you have a very bright and happy life ahead, you just need to stay strong and clear headed and you get out of this - good luck.

Noregrets78 Mon 14-Oct-13 14:02:11

What an awful situation. I could pick out so many bits of what you've written - but his telling DD that you're divorcing him and he'll have to move away is abusive towards your daughter in itself.

In terms of custody - I had a similar struggle, working full time with XH unemployed. I was terrified that I would lose my daughter, but couldn't keep putting her through it. The main thing I concentrated on was establishing a status quo - that's what the courts etc will focus on a lot. So if you can move out, with your daughter, that would benefit your position.

You would be perfectly entitled to move you both somewhere else, in order to protect yourself and also your child.

You'd be surprised what you're entitled to - you may be able to claim housing benefit even though there is a marital home. Especially because you've been through domestic violence - do 'tick that box' as that's what it is.

Draw on all the support available - women's aid, free solicitors, CAB, local domestic abuse projects. They're all there to help, keep you and your daughter safe.

This is a really quiet board - could also try relationships.

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