Should I petition him or let him petition me?

[JuliaGulia]

Hi all,

My husband told me 6 weeks go that he didnt love me anymore and wanted to separate. He flatly denied that any one else was involved so I intended to allow him to issue proceedings against me, with him meeting the costs.

However in true cliche style i discovered a receipt for flowers and the other girl story emerged. I dont know what happened when but the deed has certainly be done with her since our separation.

So without knowing all the lurid details, should I petition him for adultery or still wait for him to petition me for unreasonable behaviour? Ive got my pride and without doubt his actions have caused this breakdown, but will who petitions who be relevant?

By way of background info, we have 2 small children and I'm going to try and stay in our marital home. We dont appear to be fighting over anything. He's pretty much giving me everything and the option to try and get him off the mortgage/ownership if possible. He knows what maintenance he has to pay and we've agreed that an equity transfer is better for us both than crippling monthly spousal maintenance and me having to sell.

So if anyone has any experience on the advantages and disadvantages of issuing proceedings, I'd be really pleased to hear ur thoughts.

Thanks,
JG.

[Collaborate]

Strike while the iron's hit and he's still feeling guilty. Believe me it will only last so long. Get your solicitors to get a consent order signed re the money, then issue your petition.

[VBisme]

Don't bother with adultery, it's very difficult to prove.
But definitely get an agreement as soon as possible.

[JuliaGulia]

Thanks for your replies. I was also thinking about this from a financial and time-wise perspective.

If I petition him, whether it be for adultery or unreasonable behaviour, can I recoup the costs? And would I be in more control by leading the proceedings?

I've had a free session with a lawyer but at the time the OW was not known about so I didn't think much about the options. Now I'm hurt and angry (and also bitterly upset) my perspective has changed somewhat.

I just don't want to rush into issuing him with proceedings out of anger and regret it later when I've calmed down a bit.

Thanks for any further help u can provide,
JG

[VBisme]

You need to take a deep breath and decide what you want, and what you will settle for.
Stay reasonable and keep communications open, tell him what you want, and get it in writing as soon as possible. He'll be feeling guilty at the moment, so push for a quick finish.
Don't ignore his pension etc, it all needs to be included.

[Soila]

Hi JuliaGulia,

In my experience, and I have been divorced twice, it really didn't matter who petitioned first. In the first one, he did and in the second one, I did.

It didn't have a bearing on outcomes at all.

Only thing I would say is repeat what VBisme said - "keep communications open".

Have you considered family mediation. I just posted that for someone else. You can find more information here - www.nfm.org.uk/

Family mediators help couples reach their own agreement regarding finance and property as well as child contact arrangements.

I'm sorry to see this is happening to you. Are you sure this is what you want?

[JuliaGulia]

Thanks for your message Soila. Very useful information. I think I'll leave the paperwork up to him. Everyone knows what he's done so there's no way anyone willl consider my behaviour unreasonable, despite what he puts in the petition.

A divorce is definitely not what I want but he does so there's no choice in the matter. He already in a relationship with the OW albeit early days. Plus I'd never trust him again so even if he did regret it month/years own the line, I'd never the him back - i'd become too neurotic and that's not the sort of person I want to be.

Totally agree re keeping communication open - I'm playing the hard done by but dignified wife role at the moment, particularly while he's feeling guilty. No point in being the bitter ex wife until I've got my finances in order!

JG

[Soila]

If you can keep the "dignified wife role" as long as possible it would be great - not easy but definitely not impossible.

I remember when I was going through my divorce and after a particularly terrible day (to put it very very mildly) with my ex, she had said this to me - "you are now at what seems to be a war. He will strike back as hard as he wants to but it's not you he is attacking, he is just lashing out. So it could be you on the other end, or a Mary, Lucy or whoever, it doesn't matter. He is angry like an animal caught in a corner."

That helped me distance myself from other verbal attacks and insults and focus on the issues at hand.

Today, my ex and I are good friends.

[MrsGwizz]

JG, I'm in a very similar situation. 2 weeks before Xmas my husband said he didn't love me I asked him repeatedly if there was someone else he denied it. 2 days before Xmas I found a letter from her and kicked him out.
There is no way back from this, I have a DD 4 and am 7 months pregnant. He is staying at his brothers but seems to think he will be getting a place of his own (with what money I don't know). Protecting my children's future and facilitating their relationship with their father are my priorities. It remains to seen whether he can be trusted to have any input in either of these areas.
No real advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone x

[olgaga]

Hi sorry to hear you're going through this. You might find the information here useful.

It doesn't really matter too much which of you petitions for divorce, or the grounds for divorce. It has no impact whatsoever on the division of assets, which is the really important thing - blame doesn't come into it.

[UC]

I don't think you have to prove adultery. You can divorce him for adultery with "unnamed woman".

If I were you, I'd just go down the route that makes him pay for it, not you. Whatever route that is.

[Collaborate]

The problem is that without proof, he could simply deny the adultery and then you're stuck.

[greyrain]

Reaching agreement is the key.
If divorce is agreed between a couple agree the reason. If one admits adultery then there isn't a problem. Also come to an agreement on parenting, finance, property, costs etc.
Try to keep emotion at bay.
If the divorce is undefended why not choose online-divorce?

[LittleFrieda]

There are rare circumstances where it's better to be the petitioner, plus you get to control the timetable a bit. So be the petitioner. I would say go for unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery, an ongoing relationship with another woman could form art of that unreasonable behaviour.

Get a good divorce lawyer before you do anything. Good luck.