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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

SS ordering access. One scared mum! Domestic abuse. Please help!

15 replies

PooPooOnMars · 13/08/2012 20:24

Hi, I've already posted this in legal but had no responses yet. Not really sure where is the right place.

My friend, lets call her Betty, has been told (and is complying) by SS to give access of her young dcs to her ex. I was always under the impression that access is something which is ordered by the courts not SS. Can anyone tell me if this is correct?

Betty is very young and ex has a criminal record for domestic abuse against her and is also a regular drug user. SS visited Betty and told her to let him see his children supervised (he has a family member there) as they felt he was a good hardworking man

Betty thought that because they were telling her to do this she had to comply as otherwise they would take her children away from her She doesn't feel that it is in the best interests of her children because he is still being violent (not towards her recently) and also still does drugs.

SS say that he is going to counselling so it will all be fine.

She's been for a couple of meetings with SS and in the second meeting the SW she previously saw denied some things that she had said. Betty was positive that SW was saying one thing when it was just the 2 of them but denying it in the meeting when others were present. It's all sounding rather dodgy.

Betty as I said is young and is doing as she is told because she doesn't think she has any choice, but she is scared and worried about her children. It seems that SS think they can tell her what to do because of her age and I get the impression that ex (as a typical abusive man can) has charmed them.

Can anyone help? I've suggested that she get legal advice before SS next visit and have someone else present in the meeting.

She's a really great mum, no problems there. They only got in touch with her because ex committed another violent act apparently, even though she hadn't seen him and he hadn't seen his children for at least a year.

I hope someone can help. Thanks

OP posts:

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MissRee · 13/08/2012 20:28

Definitely get her to seek legal advice. I wouldn't usually advocate stopping access but i do think drug abuse and violence is a case where it is perfectly acceptable and in the children's best interest. as far as I know, SS can't have the children taken away from her for refusing access unless the children are at risk (which they aren't by the sound of things).

If she gets things moving legally through a court, he'll likely get supervised access through a contact centre (unless she can prove DV?) which has to be better than just supervised by family.

PooPooOnMars · 13/08/2012 21:53

Thanks for your reply.

No the children aren't at risk and yes she does have proof of his violence. The police were called many times after he had attacked her and he now has a criminal record because of it.

He didn't have access before because he didn't want it. Now suddenly he does and he has seen the children a few times. Would that count as stopping access or just not continuing with it when she wasn't happy with it in the first place?

Would she really have to take it to court herself or could she just stop doing what SS tell her to (letting him see the children) and tell them that if he wants to then HE could take it to court?

I agree that it would be better if it wasn't supervised by his family because they never believed Betty about the violence and blamed her.

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BlackberryIce · 13/08/2012 21:55

He would need to file for access. Court social workers, cafcass would then look into it by request of section 7 I think it is.

PooPooOnMars · 13/08/2012 22:13

So he would need to take it to court, not her?

And do SS have the authority to make her allow access? Or would there/could there be repercusions from them if she said "no, no more access for him".

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BlackberryIce · 13/08/2012 22:14

As far as I'm aware, SS can't over ride court.

Re post this in legal section.

bloodyfurious · 13/08/2012 22:17

Access is dealt with by the courts not SS - very odd they have gotten involved.

I'd (in these extreme circumstances) stop contact and wait for him to go to court where CAFCASS will get involved.

PooPooOnMars · 13/08/2012 22:23

I have posted in legal as well but no responses.

She is scared of what SS will do if she stops contact, what she really needs to do is get legal advice before their next visit which I have advised her to do. Not sure if she will though.

I can't actually imagine him taking it to court seeing as he has hardly seen his children for the last year or so through choice.

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BlackberryIce · 13/08/2012 23:01

The longer she allows this access to continue, the easier it will be to use it as 'a starting point' if it goes to court.

Collaborate · 13/08/2012 23:10

I've responded in legal.

RedHelenB · 14/08/2012 14:53

How is the supervised access going? If he doesn't present a danger to the children it is usually seen as a positive that both parents are involved with the children. It is very rare for NO access to be granted.

PooPooOnMars · 14/08/2012 16:27

The longer she allows this access to continue, the easier it will be to use it as 'a starting point' if it goes to court.

That's what I thought.

RedHelen I think it's only happened a couple of times. She is nervous about it and thinks he is probably smoking drugs around the children. I think there are trust issues with his family member who is supervising the access as well, because they never believed her when she said that he was abusive, despite his being found guilty etc. So I don't think she trusts them not to leave him alone with his children because they believe him to have done nothing wrong.

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Rowanhart · 15/08/2012 23:34

I know someone who was in a remarkably similar situation.

Her refusal to stop her ex seeing her child actually resulted in ss taking her daughter away and giving her to ex.

They said she was being emotionally abusive!

PooPooOnMars · 16/08/2012 08:17

Did she have reason to stop the access?

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Rowanhart · 16/08/2012 09:06

Yes he was physically and sexually violent to her and point blank refused to let him see her.

Went on for around three years with court orders issued demanding she allow him to see her. Judge said she was couldn't prove anything as no police reports and sw said she believed she was a compulsive liar. There were lots of threats about taking her away beforehand and sw said "he can mess you around or access, see how you like it." Girl was convinced more than met eye with SW and him.

She was living with her mum at the time in a lovely home and this little girl hadn't seen her Dad for several years. SS actually went in to school and removed her DD and the school rang her.

I met the girl through my job at the time as she came asking for help. Always wonder what happened next.

PooPooOnMars · 16/08/2012 11:51

Jesus Christ that's awful!

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