Failed IVF - how can I help my friend?

[Astrophe]

Another failed IVF attempt for friends of mine. I am so sad for them. Those of you who have been there - what can I do to help/show support, without intruding on their grief?

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Bloody difficult one Astrophe. Having been in the position your friend is in, nothing would really have helped apart from getting pregnant. Kindness from friends, although lovely, was quite hard to handle, particularly if those friends had babies.

Deffo ring or write to acknowledge her loss though. It is almost like grief when you keep failing something that others find so easy. Just be there for her I guess, sympathetic and kind. Poor them.

[Astrophe]

I have 2 kids and am preggers, so I imagine that is hard for them. I don't want to be 'in their face' ifyswim. They have one DC, but are such lovely parents and would so love another

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

You sound very nice Astrophe, I would call and have a chat, I'm sure you will handle it well. Of course everyone handles such loss differently but be prepared for your friend to possibly not to want much to do with you for a little while. I found it incredibly difficult to be around pregnant women/small babies for a while when things got really bleak. This did pass though.

[Astrophe]

Thanks claudiaschiffer. I have emailed and said I'll drop some dinner 'round tomorrow, that way I can see her and give her a hug, but wont stay, as I expect she wont want to chat much.

[Astrophe]

any other thoughts?

[GorgonsGin]

I would second Claudia Schiffer - "bloody difficult". i think that unless you have also had a failed IVF cycle, don't pretend you understand what she's going through. Being strong and there for your friend without going over board offering sympathy or platitudes. You sound like a lovely, concerned friend, but perhaps offer support from a distance, rather than visiting, which would be doubly hard for me if a friend was also PG. It's so hard being around other PG women. She (presumably) told you that she was embarking on IVF, so would expect to tell you it didn't work and for you to offer support if it didn't work out.

I told no one because I didn't want to explain if IVF didn't work out for us (it didn't) or handle too much kindness, which although well meant, is difficult to deal with unless other people have been through significant TTC problems or IVF.

[Astrophe]

Thanks gorgonsgin, thats helpful. I am really aware of how hard it must be to be with people who are pregnant, and don't want to make things harder for her and her DH. She did tell me they were doing an IVF cycle, and asked DH and I to pray for them, which we have been.

I emailed and am going to drop some dinner in, just give her a hug and go, I certainly wont try to keep her chatting as I expect they need space and time. I just said that I feel sad along with them, and can only imagine that this must be such a frustrating and sad time for them. I hope I didn't go overboard. I definately didn't claim to "understand"...I dont, obviously.

[GorgonsGin]

doing something practical like droppping off supper is a very kind and thoughtful thing to do. You sound like a lovely concerned friend.

If your friend told you that she was going through IVF it is because she wanted your support through it and after the results, so you are doing thr right thing by being there for her. She may well open up to you after the initial shock and sadness has passed

Thinking of your friend.