hi all,
Just wanted a bit of friendly advice really. This isn't something I talk to my friends about because my private life stays very much private but I think just ranting whether people reply or not will make me feel better.
I'm currently on my sixth cycle (I think?) of ttc after losing a baby in November though I didn't realise I was pregnant at the time. I know 6 months isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things and there are lots of methods I haven't tried such as temping and charting but I suppose it gives me more optimism for the months I do use those methods.
Anyway, I'm currently in my tww and ive learnt not to get too over excited (although my last post suggests otherwise).
I'm just having a really bad day today which happens more often than not. I've stopped socialising with friends and preferred staying in alone than going out which isn't like me. I feel im slowly hitting rock bottom with no one to really talk about it to because nobody knows im ttc.
A few things have really gotten to me lately which I haven't told anyone about. When I was 19 (quite some time ago now!) I was very much in love with someone I considered to be my soul mate, in retrospect I don't doubt one bit that I loved him. However I unexpectedly fell pregnant during university and my boyfriend at the time was somewhat comforting at first but then he just assumed I would have an abortion. By assumed I also mean demanded. I was 19 and probably at the peak of naivety. I didn't tell my family I was pregnant as I didn't even know how far I was etc. My boyfriend at the time told me he would leave me if I had the baby, telling me it would ruin his life, he'd want to kill himself, I wouldn't be a good mum, I'd be evil if I wanted to bring a baby into the world without a dad because he wouldn't be there.. Just a lot of horrible stuff really. I begged him every night for weeks to let me carry on with the pregnancy but blinded by love i agreed to an abortion in order to stay with him. I still remember the day like it was yesterday! I was nearly 9 weeks pregnant and I was the only person in the clinic I went to who seemed to be distraught at the thought of an abortion. I cried on him til I was called through for the procedure and every day afterwards for as long as I can remember. I was never really myself at that, it ruined what should have been the best years of my life at university (although I know if I'd have kept the baby I would have had to leave uni, but I wouldn't have classed that as ruining those years). Of course he ended up leaving me a few months later which made everything worse, made me feel so angry at myself for going through with it believing he would stay with me. I can honestly say after all these years every day I still think about how it was the worst thing I've ever done. Now that I'm trying for my first child im scared I don't deserve to be a mum. I'm just haunted by this experience and have no one to talk to and I feel stupid as it was such a long time ago but it hasn't really got any easier.
I don't know what im really asking for but I guess any ways to overcome such negative feelings or ways i can get some sort of closure?
Sorry if ive offended anyone with my story, im just having one of those days where I need to let it out.
If you made it this far thanks for reading! X
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Just a bit of friendly advice more than anything..
madgiebean · 30/03/2015 18:52
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Thank you so much for responding Daisy it means a lot.
Ive thought about it but I wouldn't know where to start! I haven't really admitted to being this 'down in the dumps' before, so I think expressing it on here is a step in the right direction and il have the balls to speak to someone! If I do get pregnant I don't want any negative feelings getting in the way so I suppose the sooner I do the better!
Onwards and upwards from now I hope 
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madgiebean don't feel alone. Come over to the ttc after mc thread. I had my last mc in November as well. It's been a long dark winter and a blumming long 6 months if you ask me. We'll get our bfps soon.
Are you able to speak to your partner about the things on your mind? You do deserve to be a mum and the fact such things weigh on your mind shows how caring and thoughtful you are. You'll make a great mummy on day
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Oh sunbathing that's lovely congrats!
Now that I've found my feet on mumsnet I'll be sure to join threads to keep me going! Thank you so much
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Thank you sunbathing hopefully I'll be on those threads before long!
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