Trying to time BD to the 'right days' - Are we just repeating the same mistake?

(78 Posts)
GladitsnotJustMe Tue 24-Sep-13 14:47:04

Been TTC for 5 months now, thought I had it all worked out with knowing when I ovulated, AF usually arrives exactly 14 days after I got EWCM. BDed on CD 8, 10, 12, 14 or thereabouts. I haven't tried temping or OPKs yet, as I thought my EWCM was pretty reliable. But it hasn't worked yet. (Might add that DP has potentially low fertility issues anyway, so it could just be that)

Just heard yet another story of a friend of a friend who had problems conceiving, then went on holiday, 'relaxed and forgot about TTC' and hey presto, got pregnant.

I wondered again why 'relaxing' would help you to conceive.. and pondered whether those of us who think they've got it right by timing BD with ovulation may in fact have their timing wrong and so are just repeating the same mistake month after month. Some posters on here are even more rigid than I have been saying "well I'm sure I ovulated on that day, so we did it that night and don't need to do it again...." and I just wonder are they inadvertently cocking things up for themselves (excuse the pun)?

So tell me, is there anyone out there who conceived on an unexpected cycle day, did you think you had it all worked out (like my example above) and find that you were wrong??

FWIW I'm going to give the 'every other day for the whole month' technique a go this month, as soon as AF leaves the building.

allchatnicknamesgone Thu 03-Oct-13 18:38:48

Nappyaddict I think you've hit the nail on the head!
I'm feeling better today though because we did manage it last night!!!
That is a good figure of 30%. Not sure whether to chat to him to try and quash any more nervousness or just be quiet and keep trying to seduce him.

nappyaddict Thu 03-Oct-13 17:26:54

I think the problem is with TTC in the back of their mind they are thinking we are doing this to get pregnant. And then when you don't get pregnant, they start thinking it could be them, even though only 30% of unexplained infertility cases are solely to do with the man. Women are responsible for about two thirds of unexplained infertility. The difference is when we are feeling the pressue, or not in the mood we can still DTD, but men can't.

After 6-12 months of trying you can visit your GP and ask to be referred to a fertility specialist.

allchatnicknamesgone Wed 02-Oct-13 19:06:03

Good advice Jessewait and Babyrose, but now the problem of 'not getting it up' has hit us I'm really not sure how to deal with it. We've been together for a long time and I can tell its really shaken him and he's obviously been obsessing about it. I'm not sure whether to try and talk and reassure him, or just shut up and hope for the best next time we try. Since TTC his libido has gone which I just didn't anticipate.

babyrose Wed 02-Oct-13 18:49:24

I read some great advice on this thread, dtd once during wk and twice over w/end. Tried times a wk is a good place to start with the chance ovulation could change!

Dh and I had a chat about TTC he didnt want to use opk's at all but I wanted to cos I wasn't exactly sure when ovulation was happening. And he agreed to use them now which makes me feel alot better. I've also stopped temping and stopped taking b6. Started drinking lots and lots of water which has made a big difference to cm.

Jessewalt Wed 02-Oct-13 18:33:02

Sorry about your stress allchat, but I had a recent conversation with my husband which really cleared the air - and now our sex life seems to be much more what it was like before ttc.
I am in my 2 ww ttc#1, in 4th cycle. The mistake I made was buying ovulation sticks straight away. I should have just tried for a few months with no added stress. Now, here I am, I know not long into it, but feeling like there is not much more I can do to improve chances.
I have definitely decided to go back to basics and just have sex regularly throughout the month, and I am not using the ovulation sticks next month. They have shown me that I do ovulate every month. This is reassuring.

Ps I am also not very hopeful about this 2ww as I have been ill with fever over the last few days - not ideal!

allchatnicknamesgone Wed 02-Oct-13 14:54:14

Sorry for double post!
Thanks piratecat.

fluffythelabcat Wed 02-Oct-13 14:51:16

Sorry to hear that allchat I find it surprising that more men don't have that problem, ever since we started TTC my OH has completely lost interest in DTD and when we do get round to it he takes longer to 'finish' (which is not altogether a bad thing!) I think the pressure on them must be immense, after all we just have to lie there!! I know that pushing him would be totally counter-productive so I just need to back off and let him get used to the idea. It is very hard when you know how much DTD it seems to take to get that BFP. Hang in there.

allchatnicknamesgone Wed 02-Oct-13 14:42:36

Thanks guys.

Yep, we did chat about it after the dissapointment last month and we agreed we'd relax more this month and just do it for the whole month and I'd keep all my smiley faces to myself. I did try and take the pressure off him, but I think ended putting more on myself.

We've never done the whole romance thing and we always a 'fancy a shag' kind of couple, so I'm not sure where its going wrong. Bloody hell as if trying wasn't hard enough and know I have added worry about him worrying.

Nappy addict- I didn't want to see a solid smiley just yet as I wanted to give us a few more days to just get back on track. I obviously just want to dtd every day, but I don't want to freak him out.

Thanks for being kind to me. I should never have cried and is was the worst possible thing to do but I crumbled. Picking yourself up on CD1 is crap, but I've been quite good these last few times and just got on with it. I'm just so worried that this impotence will now become our issue with TTC.

X

allchatnicknamesgone Wed 02-Oct-13 14:41:05

Thanks guys.

Yep, we did chat about it after the dissapointment last month and we agreed we'd relax more this month and just do it for the whole month and I'd keep all my smiley faces to myself. I did try and take the pressure off him, but I think ended putting more on myself.

We've never done the whole romance thing and we always a 'fancy a shag' kind of couple, so I'm not sure where its going wrong. Bloody hell as if trying wasn't hard enough and know I have added worry about him worrying.

Nappy addict- I didn't want to see a solid smiley just yet as I wanted to give us a few more days to just get back on track. I obviously just want to dtd every day, but I don't want to freak him out.

Thanks for being kind to me. I should never have cried and is was the worst possible thing to do but I crumbled. Picking yourself up on CD1 is crap, but I've been quite good these last few times and just got on with it. I'm just so worried that this impotence will now become our issue with TTC.

X

piratecat Wed 02-Oct-13 14:31:45

was just googling and it said that a solid smiley face means you will ovulate within next 12 to 24 hours.
the other face meaning about the start of luteal phase.

nappyaddict Wed 02-Oct-13 14:00:14

allchatnicknamesgone Why don't you want to see a solid smiley face, doesn't that mean it's your most fertile time?

Do you DTD throughout the month, or do you find you are only DTD during your fertile period in order to conceive? I think this can put a lot of pressure on both people and start making DTD seem like a job or a chore that just has to be done. If there is no passion, fun or excitement and either of you feel like you are just going through the motions then that's when problems are going to arise. If one of you isn't making the other one feel wanted and sexy and that they are just a baby machine then they aren't going to feel like DTD IME.

Sometimes DP will say really blase "fancy a shag" like he's not really bothered either way. And I'm thinking well no, not really, not when you put it like that. I need to feel like you want me, fancy me like mad and can't take your hands off me! Excite me, seduce me, relax me, romance me, giggle me into bed even - but do not just say "fancy a shag" like you are asking me if I want a cup of tea!!

Oh dear AllChat all my sympathies. This must be really tough.

I'm really not sure how you should proceed. I think if you can both be relaxed then have a go - why not? If it would be otherwise too stressful, maybe just get ready fro next month, by having sex every couple of days (as has been suggested).

Best of luck.

Tuonz Wed 02-Oct-13 12:05:32

Sorry you're having a rough time all chat.

I've no experience of your situation but we are two years into TTC and are now at the stage where I'm taking fertility drugs.

My only advice to anyone TTC is to forget about TTC when actually dtd. TTC for even a relatively short period of time can be stressful to both partners.

Don't save it up, if you want to make love through the month do it. Nothing wrong with trying to time it, but god after two years of this shit I think dh and I are very lucky that the pressure of it hasn't affected our sex life.

Your partner will not be alone allchat. I think by seperating the TTC from the physical act itself might he the way forward. When you are intimate, yes you want to conceive, but try and make the experience as much aboutyou loving each other as you can.

Your dp may feel his body let him down, and that's something I do have experience of. Imagine if your dp cried when your period arrived. It's not your fault or his that it happened and the emotions are normal, but he must ave felt the pressure and it must have been difficult for him to.

There's always a chance this month, you never know. But it may be wise to be aware he may not feel up to it emotionally or physically and we need to respect our partners in that. If you do dtd again this month perhaps approaching it from a view of being intimate and loving towards one another rather than a one more shot this month scenario.

allchatnicknamesgone Wed 02-Oct-13 11:45:36

Need a bit of hand holding please. I know I am due to O and yesterday I had loads of EWCM, but I've got a bad cold and despite having a go to dtd, he couldn't get it up!!! I'm on CD14 and although FF can't pin point exactly I know I'm going to O really soon. I've also had smiley flashing face for last 3 days. Too scared to do it today because I don't want to see a solid one yet. Anyhow, when he couldn't perform I started to cry. I know, I know, but I was just emotional feeling shit and I think I was starting to feel that he's feeling uncomfortable. Anyway, it all came out and he said he can't stop thinking about it and is almost putting him off sex cos he's worried he'll let me down. We've only done it once this month on CD 9. I can't believe this is happening now when I pinned all my hopes on this month. No one else posts about their man not performing but it must happen right?!
Anyway, my questions are:
if I manage to relax him, do you think it's too late this month? I still get confused about when its too late after you see the CM. I had a little more today, but not the massive gush yesterday.
Should I disregard temps on FF?
Any advice on what I should say to him?
Thank you. Maybe I should have posted on main thread, but hopefully enough of you guys are watching this thread. X

piratecat Tue 01-Oct-13 12:07:12

i know of someone who got pg on day 8. (if day one is the first day of the period)
i was told that fourteen days before first day of period is best. even if your cycle is longer.
after all those times trying it happened to work for me. i prob conceived day 16 or 17.

GladitsnotJustMe Tue 01-Oct-13 10:45:28

That's good advice Dumbelina

The more I read other people's stories on here, the more I think that some people may be scuppering their chances by sticking too rigidly to perceived ovulation days... but what do I know. Good discussion though.

dumbelina Mon 30-Sep-13 15:00:49

My fertility specialist said it is a mistake to stick to "best days of the month" as this can vary woman to woman and month to month. She said the best advice was to try to have sex at least three times a week, and she said for most people the best way to achieve this is to aim for a couple of times over the weekend (Fri-Sun) and once during the weekdays. Seemed pretty sensible to me.

nappyaddict Mon 30-Sep-13 14:55:54

I think the best chance is to do it every 3 days or probably better to see it as 3 times a week, so it doesn't become a boring routine and feel like just something else that has to be done.

allchatnicknamesgone Mon 30-Sep-13 14:09:02

I know what you mean. I cried the first time loads but not since - just the disappointment. I think it's quite handy that the first day of your period is called day 1 of a new cycle - weirdly I think that helps me physiologically.
I think the average length of time is 6 months so anything less is pretty lucky. That is how I'm trying to focus myself.
Keep us posted x

Thank you AllChat, much appreciated. Actually, I was worse off the 1st 2 cycles and I am feeling much, much better this time around.

1st try I was so very disappointed! I'd done everything right, why didn't it work?!?

2nd try, I figured lack of a BFP was a fluke and for sure I'd get a BFP this time.

3rd try, I am a lot more grounded. There is only a 1 in 4 (25%) chance even if everything is perfect. So hoping for the best, but if I get a BFN, I know I will not feel that same overwhelming disappointment smile.

allchatnicknamesgone Mon 30-Sep-13 13:05:42

That sucks Keden....wishing you lots and lots of luck though. You must be going bonkers. x

Hi AllChat still here smile and halfway through my 2 week wait.

I would like to NOT concentrate on my fertile window, but DH is on assigment away and is gone every week (only home on weekends). So unfortunately, BD has to be planned in line with his trips home and my fertile window confused

allchatnicknamesgone Mon 30-Sep-13 11:00:54

That's what I'm aiming for piratecat. Been doing everything by the book and 'at the right' times but its not happening. I'm just going to keep going until AF shows. All other cycles we collapsed in heap after 2nd peak day and then not even looked at each other until the next fertile time!!! Only managed it once this cycle and we're on CD12 out of around a 28 days cycle, so I think if we pick it up a bit we'll be in for a chance. Annoyingly though I'm cramping today (very early), and we haven't dtd for nearly 4 days. BUT I'm not going to even think or try and work that out. Just stick to plan as soon as DH feels but better.

piratecat Mon 30-Sep-13 10:52:58

after ovulation of course.

piratecat Mon 30-Sep-13 10:49:06

I tried for nearly 3 years, I ended up pg from having sex later in my cycle, whereas we'd been concentrating on just before,during an slightly after.

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