4ever you are not stupid - just ever hopeful. IT will happen - S can't be your only sticky bean. got to go - just spent all evening picking grass seeds out of ds's lovely fluffy fleece and it is no where near finished. If he ever goes near a field in it again ....
Blue What lovely news for your friend I bet she and her dh are over the moon, bound to be a bit nervous but it's fantastic! Barbie Did you have an amazing time at Disney? Will wait to see the pics 4ever You OK? Not feeling brow beaten at being told off by us I hope Moon Are you feeling any better?
Well I had my day 21 blood test results today, I did ask GP if it mattered if I ov late as it varies cycle to cycle and she assured me it wouldnt make a different. Well they came back as normal and no action to be taken but when I googled my results it didn't agree with that, my FSH levels show depletion of ovarian reserve but on further googling it seems that you MUST be 7dpo for them to be effective and have day 3 tests too, so back to GP on the 29th armed with my info and ask for retests whilst trying not to panic in the meantime
I went back to work today and I am knackered! Still feeling crap by all accounts, but loads better than I was. Although I did get told several times that I looked ill and I should go home - thanks! On the mend though thank goodness, these viruses are a bugger.
blue such a lovely story, they always make me think maybe one day that could me telling my miracle story....
4ever agree with lbm not stupid just hopeful and hey, if we didnt have hope then what else is there?
buddha step away from google! Having said that, stick to your guns, my gp originally told me there was nothing wrong with my ovulation and that my results were 'low normal', which in the end turned out to be complete lack of ovulation. If you are in doubt get a second opinion. This is your life they're being flippant with, its just a number to them, but to you its your potential future family. Stupid me believed what I was told, but if I had investigated further I probably could have saved myself 6 months worth of tests. Big hugs, hang on in there.
waves to neeko, cupcake and barbie* and anyone else a-lurking
Oh Buddha, I didn't even realise you'd been to the docs or had fsh testing.. Obviously you're gonna be worrying about what you read, did the docs refer you to gynae or do it themselves? Def go back armed with your info, and hopefully a, its nothing to worry about after all cos of timings, or b, you're already pregnant!
I'm feeling pretty crap myself, just got another bfn, very slight possibility still too early, but instinct tells me not.. Sadly know my body far too well having gone through 7 pregs, I know each twinge, & as I know ovulation through ntense pain, may sound wierd, but have been several times convinced conception taken place, nautious, tired, headaches, funny dreams, then followed by painful backaches and pains in tube/uterus area that I'm absolutely certain is implantation pain, pain, because my goddamn stupid hostile body, is seeing a tiny forming embryo as a 'foreign body' & attacking it.. This process is what always usually happened at 8-9wks preg, I'm so worried now its preventing me even getting that bfp, with a yr between my last pregs, and horrific mc like af, I'm wondering how often ttc has actually been successful, only for implantation to be prevented by my stupidly wrongly wired immune system going into attack mode instead of protect mode?
Id so hoped we'd have this 3m protection window from the treatment, the first round I never fell preg in that 3m, and it was 2m later I fell with Summer and had a booster, so maybe a double dose is what was needed? However that's another £1K we don't have right now..
So, the 'time limit' is up on the 31st, possibly enough time to ttc again, but not a full cycle, then not sure, back to a wing and a prayer? Potentially another 9m til I'm preg again if the last 2 are anything to go by? Have been thinking it may not even happen, Summer seemed such a far fetched dream, do feel we should just be so grateful our prayers were answered with her, and its wrong to ask for more.. How many more mc could I take if we do get preg? Another factor is I'm miraculously still dragging out my redundancy, at some point in next. couple yrs will have to think about returning to work, really wanted to complete our family first, that's the point we accept to just count our blessings for Summer, & right now that's what we do daily, obviously, she is showered with love, and spoilt rotten, but what I want to give her most is a brother or sister... She's started playing hide and seek on her own, covering her eyes, counting to 10, & shouting 'coming, ready or not' how heartbreaking is that?
Sorry, I'm totally rambling, just needed to get it all out... Suppose I'm also still feeling the fallout as last mc only about 10wks ago...
4ever <huge huge hug>. Your mind is spinning away with all these thoughts . Hope you felt better writing it all down.
Firsty, so you got a BFN, I know it is early but you know your body. When was the last time you met with the consultant? Have you met your new one yet? Would a meeting with them to air all your thoughts and options help at all? Have you thought of going to the Zita West clinic as I know that's in London.
What you do have on your side is time, you're still in your thirties (having lurked on some ttc 40-someting threads its heartbreaking to read the posts of some 46+ year olds still ttc) and could leave it a couple of years if it all gets too much just now?
I totally understand your dilemma re: returning to work and wanting to complete your family first but this is only adding to your stresses . You can still return to work and continute ttc - an employer can't discriminate against you for fallng pregnant just in the door. (I was promoted at work and got my BFP 3 weeks later - they were NOT amused but I worked my ass off those months prior to mat leave).
It's not selfish wanting a sibling for Summer, watching her play peek-a-boo by herself must put a lump in your throat and heart. although we were lucky in having DS1, the mcs between hm and DS2 had me feeling the same, not wanting him to be on his own and also for us not getting to savour the newborn stage with the wisdom of experience BUT I had settled on the fact that DS1 had lots of cousins, lots of friends and we had him when my good friend had just gone through her 3rd failed round of IVF. I know you count your blessings but that doesn't mean you can't also want to complete your family.
Your girl is a miracle but as LBM says she can't be your only sticky bean <hopeful> xxx
Buddha lovely I didn't know you were at the docs either, have you made a follow up armed with your new info? Fingers crossed for you xxx
Having a lazy last days of our hols. DS2's at nursery and DH and DS1 are playing so I am surfing the net and having a
Lovely blue... Thank you for always being there with your words of wisdom my sweet, you brought tears to my eyes... Its true, my head is absolutely spinning with all this, I should bite the bullet and make an apt with new consultant, but can't help thinking we already covered all avenues.. I'm 38 in March, so know I do have a few yrs yet, but am concerned if this immune issue is getting progressively more virile, and eggs getting older? Also re the work thing, was so lucky in my old job of 14yrs how understanding they were, and I was basically signed off most of my pregnancy with Summer, I know if there's a next time I wouldn't be able to basically bedrest for first 16wks as I did with Summer, as my gorgeous whirlwind wouldn't let me, but I would still want to take it absolutely as easy as poss... So many damn factors to take into consideration
Most of all though, as you know, its that huge factor of not wanting Summer to be an only child, she does have her cousins and friends, but almost makes me sadder when they get together and I see her bouncing off the walls with excitement and enthusiasm, & they all have siblings too, so Im left aching for it even more.. Also in depth thoughts like her always having immediate family in her life, even when we're not here any more, and her own children having an aunty or uncle and cousins...
I know it sounds like I'm overthinking, and it. does help writing it down, so thank you as always all emmsys for me filling up the thread! 98.9% of the time I'm still wrapped up in awe and amazement that we actually have our wonderful baby daughter, I still pinch myself, and just stare at her adoringly like she's still newborn, its just that we almost accidentally, without thought, stumbled back onto the pregnancy rollercoaster, which has the horrible dips of miscarriage, and loop the loops of then finding yourself desperate to ttc again, and once your back on it, you just can't get back off... Thank god my DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD is sitting next to me on it..
4ever Oh my lovely <sigh> you could be writing for me too, I sway between thinking I should just be grateful for E which of course I am and settling for what I've got but it doesn't take away that longing, that feeling, that wanting, you feel as if you need to complete your family and that "someone" is missing. I am the same desperate to make E a big brother as I know he would love it eventually If you could switch off that feeling it would be so much easier to deal with the monthly disappointment I kind of wish that I had a crystal ball to tell me if we will be lucky again so that it's not down to us to make that decision to give up. So sorry about the bfn again Moon Please don't think that I don't know that you would love to be in the position of 4ever and myself and already have one child, I hope you don't think we are being greedy Rumours Gorgeous pics, thanks for the update, how are you? Still quiet from you lately my lovely Blue Loved the new pic of the boys on FB, they are so like you
Well tomorrow is the anniversary of our 2nd mmc, it was our 12 week scan after seeing the hb at 6 weeks and thinking all was fine I think is the one that hurt us the most and because I had my ERPC the next day which is my FIL's birthday it's a constant reminder too. But it's also a chance to take stock and see how far we've come since that awful day
<envelops 4ever in a massive hug> just so sorry my lovely; all the worries that come with TTC are just crap..money, time, work etc.. and even more so in your case with the treatment & your work situation. You must stop apologising though & saying you should just be grateful for Summer, it is a completely different kind of heartbreak to be TTC your second child (as many of our beautiful Emmsys know) I read a beautiful article about secondary infertility that said it can be hurtful if people say 'oh but at least you have one child' because you would never dream of saying to someone who had lost a parent 'oh but at least you still have the other one'. Of course I hope the lovely moon (& jools if you're lurking lovely) aren't offended by my saying that, I know as buddha said you'd do anything to even have one baby, & I'm not in any way trying to say I know how you feel.
Sorry..early morning ramble but just trying to say there's never a need to apologise for feelings on this thread!
buddha hugs for sad anniversary. Good luck getting back to gp.
sabs I'm sure the Zingzillas just said Happy Eid on cbeebies.. is that today? Happy Eid if so! That means the end of Ramadan right? Hope you have a lovely family day!
rumours wow! When did ds2 get so grown up!! Can't believe it! I always picture him as that beautiful pic of him in the Santa hat looking unimpressed, haha! Gorgeous pics.
Right, on with the day..by myself with boys all weekend as dh away but he has day off on Mon when he will owe me one big lie-in!
Aww buddha, cupcake, thank you lovelies, means so much to have your empathy and understanding, thank god I found you all! Definitely helped getting that all off my chest yesterday.. Picking myself up, dusting down, family bbq today andI'mgonnagettrulyfronked
Buddha my thoughts are with you today my lovely... Huge hug, our angels are never forgotten, is almost harder and more poignant when still ttc though, as thoughts of what might of been.. We are so in the same place with just wanting to give our pfb's a sibling, but also as blue said so eloquently, to savor a newborn with the wisdom of experience would be beautiful too... We must keep the faith, though the foresight of a crystal ball would be helpful! Mysticbarbie where you at?
Also must say moon I echo the others, hope you don't feel we're being in any way greedy, and insensitive to the fact you would do anything for your firstborn.. Goes without saying how grateful we are to be blessed once, guess we are just gluttons for punishment..
Cupcake hope you manage ok flying solo, at least its nice and sunny so paddling pools and ice lollys should keep them entertained for a while at least!
Rumours ahhh bless your gorgeous big boys, they have both grown so much, such handsome little chaps! You must be very proud..
Sabs Happy Eid to you! Hope you're enjoying a wonderful feast of delectable delights and a lovely celebration with your family and friends Summer sends Saara a Happy Eid hug & kiss x
Barbie I know where you're at really... Hope you have some nice family time back on our fair isle, you've some lovely weather while you're here.. (if you could dig that crystal ball out while you're here, buddha and I would be most grateful )
Oh no that's no good cupcake, thought the whole countries meant to be basking in a heatwave.. Tut and huff on your behalf, hopefully you'll come out of softplay to some blazing sun, if not, crayons, megablocks, and cbeebies it is then
Just popping in to be where I know people understand. It was my nephews 1st birthday party yesterday. It was a lovely day, and he had the best time ever, his little face with all the presents was so lovely to watch. I cant believe its been a whole year. I cant believe we are still no closer to creating our own little miracle. There was also a 6 day old baby there which got thrown into my arms before I could even protest. Still trying to get over my flu bug or whatever it is, feeling rubbish
Oh moon must have been so hard for you. But you ARE closer to your miracle.. and look what you've done in this last year - taken massively brave steps to get medical help, and also married the love of your life. Pretty awesome if you ask me. but I know no words will take away your pain really so just know we understand.
4ever we dis get sunshine in the end thank goodness for dh back tonight though I'm frazzled
The other day when he was in the bath ds1 said 'where's mummy's willy?' I said 'mummy hasn't got a willy' and he said 'oh. Poor mummy!' Haha I laughed for ages! Happy Sunday everyone!
Quickly lurking and dashing in to squeeze moons hand everso tightly, poor a and just to say, I know, we all know, just how horribly hard it can all be sometimes... There will be positive days, and days that make you feel crap, we are all here for both... Cupcake was spot on though, you have come incredibly far this last yr, seeking treatment, and marrying your wonderful soulmate... Keep on keeping on, we gotta keep believing...
BIg wave to cupcake, glad you got some sun afterall, almost, dare I say it, too hot!
Oh moon I too am squeezing your hand tightly for being so brave and getting through yesterday - it must've been really difficult for you. Making that kind of realisation is horrible, thinking about where you were a year or two years ago, and feeling like you're no further along. But as cupcake so rightly said, you are further along. Hopefully you're well on your way to having good news of your own, and the sooner it comes the better. When is your next appointment at the fertility centre? Lots of love x
4ever am sending you a big hug for your tough time recently too. I know all too well the ache of watching your child and wishing so hard they had a sibling in their life. I have such a need inside me to give ds a brother or sister. Like buddha I feel like someone is missing from our family, and like moon I can't help but think we are no further along now than we were when we started ttc dc2, almost four and a half years ago. There's just a lot more sadness inside me after all we've been through. I obviously cherish every single second I have with ds as I know how precious he is though. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us ttc right now...
Cupcake at your ds and the willy comment! Aren't they sweet! DS was convinced I had a willy for ages, and wouldn't believe me that I didn't He kept on trying to watch me doing a wee which is quite off-putting really!
It's been so incredibly hot here today, I just feel like hibernating! Not sure what the temperature has been exactly, but I know it was forecast to be 39 degrees Heatwave indeed! It's 32 degrees upstairs, so goodness knows how we're going to sleep.... Anyway, I hope everyone has had a lovely weekend and that the sun has shined for you (but not too much ) xxx
PS I have finally posted the pics of Barbie's and my meet-up on my FB page for anyone who wants to see them - they're in the Paris album. Will try to put a couple on my profile here too as I know not everyone has FB! Xxx
Moon It is awful I watched sil plan and get 2/3 children whilst we were still struggling to get our first and you really think you will never get there, like the others I agree with cupcake you are further down that road towards getting your dream, it's just hard to believe it sometimes keep the faith my lovely monkey Lovely pictures, especially the one of your ds and Barbies dd holding hands <melt> Considering you both got soaked you still both look every part the "yummy mummy's" Hope you managed to get some sleep after?
AF due tomorrow or Weds for me, trying to ignore the very sore (.)(.) I have as I'm sure it's just a head f**k as they have done this before and just make that disappointment harder to bear. E and I have a day visiting today, I hope he's going to be well behaved as I'm very tired, he woke up a lot last night and I've got problems with my hip again (it's linked to my scolios and 12 months ago I had a steriod injection which stopped the pain but now it's back and when I've googled there are mixed views on steriods and ttc/pg so need to see GP for advice) As far as I'm concerned if I'm ttc I don't want the injection but it's getting harder and harder to deal with the pain so I definately need that crystal ball, I could be doing this for nothing
Right on a happier note E told me that he has dumped his girlfriend at nursery as she was too "cryie" and that I'm his new girlfriend
Buddha I just almost spat my cereals out when I read what your ds said what a sweetheart! Thanks for comments re pics, I too love the one of Dolly and Charlie holding hands! Hope your AF stays away, poor you with your hip pain. Hope the GP manages to help in some way. My AF is being a bit of a headf*ck too - been incredibly light for two days now, and keep hoping it will have stopped as that's how other pregnancies have started for me. Woke up this morning and have got period pain, but still not really bleeding. I know it's AF but there's always that annoying bit of hope that ends up getting dashed. Our bodies really know how to mess us around don't they!
We're off to an amusement park this afternoon, so ds is very excited! Have a good day all xxx
How does af have some immaculate timing? Visited friend and her 14 month old dd today, E was an absolute darling, he looked after her, played with her, helped her up when she fell over, wiped her mouth, fed her fruit, he was adorable and I nearly cried thinking what a fantastic big brother he would make. Went to the loo before I left and just to kick me whilst Im down af has arrived, bloody fantastic! Oh well onward and upwards Monkey How you doing? Af arrived for real yet?
Oh Buddha That is truly awful timing. Lovely to hear about what a sweetie your ds is though My AF is playing silly buggers too. Nothing all morning, then started lightly again this afternoon. Is AF I'm sure...
Buddha my absolute empathy, sorry its another month of disappointment, extra cruel when yet another thing cements in just how wonderful it would be for our babies to have a sibling...
In exactly the same boat here, big family bbq on sat where I watched Summer having a ball with all her cousins (all siblings) she's so excited around other kids, but there were occasional clicky moments amongst them that broke my heart, just always leaves me more desperate for her to have her own special sibling relationship... All on top of bfn's and impending af makes it even tougher, so yep Buddha know exactly where you're coming from...
You too Monkey with the headf* mindgames our bodies play on us.. I usually get a bit of spotting before af, which I haven't yet, so yesterday did my 5th test, just in case.. Would you consider doing a test? Yes the disappointment is crap if a bfn, but I always feel I just need to know if my mind starts wandering... Its so hard for you, what a long hard and heartbreaking 4yrs its been for you... If there's any justice in this world your wish will come true before this years out...
Awww has anyone seen the Cussons 'bump to baby' advert? Its on constantly through ch5 Milkshake each morning, shows a woman getting her bfp, scan, growing bump, birth, sore bits, breast pumps, baby bathing, flabby tum, 1st steps.... Gets me every time, and soooooo sweet, don't know if its the images, or incredible perceptive sensitivity, but Summer always leaps up to give me a huge cuddle at the end! <melt> Makes me go from aching for it again, to just being so bloody grateful I've been lucky enough to do it once...
Moon thought of you often when watching it too.... I know that ache must be almost unbearable sometimes, god we all need that crystal ball don't we? Its that whole question of if rather than when, if we knew for definite it was a when it would just be so much easier to bear wouldn't it? Can't believe we are both at the end of our crappy 'no pressure' timeframes, and the horrid last chance dashed feeling.. Of course its not our last chance but definitely has not been a healthy process...
How bizarre though, us ttc ladies cycles are now all in sync?! Af gonna get me tomorrow or thursday without fail.. So, roll on next month eh? At least the thread will only have a few compressed days of our shared disappointment before we all pick ourselves up and try try again!
Rumours glad to hear the pma is working for you! If I remember rightly you have a fantastic understanding Hv so hope you get some positive plans in place from speaking to her and also get your apts soon so the ball is rolling... Have you finished your final assignment yet? Hope you've still been able to focus ok with everything going on?
Right waves to everyone, sorry for the deep and meaningfuls taking over the thread, normal service to now be resumed!