Advice on dd (11yrs) not eating very much - says she is not trying to lose weight

[ConnieTessa]

Dd started secondary school in sept. She is very short and has a tiny bit of a tummy. She is NOT fat but hasn't done the shooting up/slimming down part of growing up yet.

Last year she told me she thought she was fat and that she didn't like the way she looked. (Again to emphasise, she is not fat, she is in the healthy weight range for her age and height and comfortably wears clothes younger than her age because of her height). She has never said anything like this since and seems confident with the way she dresses etc.
I am overweight but have always tried to feed dc healthily.

So, the last week I have noticed dd not finishing her dinner, if I ask her what she has for lunch at school it seems not very much.
This evening she didn't finish her dinner again and I asked her what was going on with her eating, she told me what she had eaten that day and I said it didn't sound very much, she burst into tears (This was late evening and she is VERY tired at the moment, she has a long commute to school plus homework in the evenings) and said 'I'm not trying to lose weight mum'. I said I hoped not as she is 11yrs old and looks absolutely perfect and does not need to lose any weight.

Dh and I both think she has lost a bit of weight in the last 7 weeks but had put it down to the long days and increased activity of secondary school. She is still a very healthy weight and we hadn't been concerned about any weight loss at all. She seems to be enjoying school and has made lots of friends.

I'm trying desperately not to jump to conclusions about eating problems. I think her change in lifestyle recently could easily coincide with a little weight loss (and maybe growing a bit). She hasn't started puberty yet but has become shy about being seen naked - which again I think is probably quite normal. But I was alarmed that she jumped straight to 'I'm not trying to lose weight' when I questioned her about what she was eating (she has school dinners at school and the card payment system does not allow me to see what she has bought so I do ask what she has had for lunch some days - partly so I can think of what to cook for tea).

So what now? Do I discuss it with her again in the morning when she is not so exhausted? Leave it and keep an eye on her? As weight has been an issue for me since my teens and my mum handled it with the sensitivity of a charging rhino I am desperate not to do the same to her. She does NOT have a weight problem, I just want to make sure she knows that.

I think I probably need to just calm the f down and leave it now but any other opinions are welcome.

[nooka]

I'd leave it for now but keep an eye on her behavior. My dd eats much less when she is tired and stressed (which worries us no end as the combination of stress, tiredness and lack of food leads to very bad migraines for her) and starting secondary school is bound to be stressful for your dd.

You could try feeding her /encouraging her to eat more nutritious food (e.g. an egg for breakfast instead of cereal) so that she gets more goodness for less eating effort as it were (I'm making my dd breakfast smoothies at the moment). Otherwise just keeping an eye may reassure you as you may find that she eats plenty some days too.

If you want to talk to her about it I'd choose some time when you are both relaxed and have a general chat about how she is doing at school, how she feels, what she is thinking etc. I'd avoid gong with a 'why aren't you eating so much' opener, and just see what comes up in conversation.

[ConnieTessa]

Thanks Nooka, that sounds like good advice to me. She is very tired indeed, I think that might well be contributing. My mum handled it so badly all my usual parenting skills (such as they are ) are paralysed by the fear of getting it wrong.

[Eva50]

Could you have some "bonding time" like a mother and daughter spa day with lunch out or shopping day getting her something to wear that really suits her? My friends do this with their dd's and find it gives them a very relaxed time to chat together. I feel quite left out as I only have boys!