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Childbirth
: DH wants to know what to do during labour to provide support. Hints, tips, do's and don'ts gratefully received!
(99 messages)
I am hoping for a home birth with pool. As this will be DC1, and especially if labour is prolonged, DH would like to know (as would I!) if we can benefit from the might of your combined experience in terms of what you wanted your DH or birth partner to do/say to help. We have read up a certain amount and obviously everyone is different and there is an element of "horses for courses", but but nothing beats personal experience IMHO, and any advice would be gratefully received. My Mum will also be there and at the moment I don't know how their roles might be shared, so if anyone has had a similar experience, I would love to hear about it. (also, how his role might change if I have to change plan and go into hospital) Thanks.
Frivilous I know, but get him to practise putting your hair up in a hairtie, if you have long hair! I really wanted my hair out of my face, but couldn't put the hairtie in myself, as I had a massive cannula with drips etc in my hand, so DH (who has been bald since he was 18 and has no idea about hair!) had to try and tie me a ponytail... his attempt would have been hilarious, if I hadn't had been so desperate to get my matted hair out of my face! (Hopefully won't happen to you if you're having a homebirth though). I'm sure someone else will be along soon with some real advice!
My DH's jobs were: -to tell me how well I was doing -to offer water and snacks -to cover me up/help me remove covers as I felt alternately cold and hot -to rub my back -to hold the sick bowl (hope you don't need this one!) -to hold me up in a squat to push (you might not like the water when it comes down to it) -we also chatted a bit during contractions when I was managing them well
Things that aren't so good -if he times the contractions in the early stages then get him to be discrete about it - I could tell immediately if a contraction was "overdue" from DH's not-so-subtle glances at his watch! I felt like a watched pot. -make sure that he knows that the second stage could be quite prolonged, and also that he does not need to cheer you on with shouts of "PUSH!".
Keep the food and drink coming Keep you calm and relaxed Do a little massage (back, arms, hands, face) Keep cool flannels for forehead Tell you how great you are doing Talks to midwife so you don't have to Read to you and generally keeps you amused and most importantly, does whatever you tell him!
With my 3 births I went in to myself and didn't say a word to DH or even look at him while I was pushing. My advice would be to him to not get offended if you do the same.
Hmm - dh was wonderful. He didn't offer me any "helpful" advice or suggest that he knew what I was going through, and won lots of brownie points for that. In fact he didn't say a lot, but smiled at me and made me feel very very special.
He did count the time down, with each contraction, once they got quite bad.
Me: Here comes another one . . Dh: Ten, nine, eight . . .
Just once he started counting up from one and that was awful as it suggested to me that the pain could go on indefinitely!! Counting down gave me something to aim for (and he was really good at counting just slowly enough (or at inserting a tiny cough) to see me through to the end of the contraction.)
We also learned some basic back massage techniques, which was looooovely. All he did was rub both hands up my spine for about twelve inches - quite firmly, starting at the base - and then slide them out and round in a circle till they got back to the beginning again. It was fantastic, though when our trainee midwife tried it, she was awful! She got the sack after one contraction! (And it definitely had to be up the spine, not down. That didn't work at all!)
Best of luck. Hope you find a few tips which help to make this a special day for you both.
PS don't forget to have food handy for dh. My contractions were strong and every five minutes from the start and he didn't have a lot of time to get food for himself before being back on hand crushing duty.
To know what you want and be your spokesperson. Write the birth plan together and talk about it. And talk about all possibilities and what you would want to happen i.e. if you are offered a CS. I wanted a water birth in my local hospital's "home-like" room. I got an induction and went into intense labour very quickly. It totally shocked me and I found myself unable to communicate much so DP was essential (and great!) for asking questions, fetching people etc and making sure that nothing happened that I wasn't happy with.
And definitely make sure he can sort your hair out! Because I went into labour so quickly, I had no time to put mine up so spent the whole time with sweaty hair in my face.
Make sure he knows what your wishes are, so he can speak for you if necessary (although he needs to be prepared for the fact that your wishes can, and will, change when in labour!)
Have a selection of birth balls/bean bags/cushions on hand to suggest to you to change positions
Back rubbing (using a squash ball to rub lower back can be good)
If you are using gas and air he can try and slow and steady your breathing (breath innnnnn and ouuuuuut), and prompt you to use STRAIGHT AWAY so full effects are felt when contraction reaches its peak....and then prise it from your mouth as contraction subsides! My DH was good at this.
Water/juice (with a STRAW...vital so you can drink in all sorts of positions!) to be offered regularly. Ditto snacks/energy sweets, although I couldn't touch food.
He needs food and drink as well. DH was too scared to eat in case I lost the rag with him ('You're having a cereal bar when I am suffering...damn youuuuuu!'...but actually I wouldn't have a given a flying ** or even noticed!)
as thenewme says above, I also went into myself as it was the best way to manage pain. What I didn't want was DH touching me supportively during contractions and breaking my concentration! Cue screams of 'DON'TTOUCHME' in exorcist-style tones. So make sure your DH LISTENS to what you actually want at each particular moment, not just do what he thinks you want!
We also planned a home waterbirth so his job was pretty clear cut. Make sandwiches and tea for midwives get lots of hot water for pool sort out appropriate music give me encouragement
In the eventuality we ended up in hosp and his job then was
procure food and drinks ( lucozade is FANTASTIC at keeping your energy up if you are not allowed/don't feel like eating) chat to the midwife help the midwife to keep me encouraged Hold gas and air thing tell me how well I was doing advocate for me to medical staff so they didn't come near me with those :@{P_ huge forceps etc etc
Whatever happens it will be an amazing, amazing time for you both - good luck.
Sorry, this is a bit brutal, but my dh was a waste of space at ds's labour, and I asked him not to be there at dd's. In fact for me, he was a psychological hinderance because I kept clutching at the idea that he could 'help' somehow. dd's solo labour was a breeze, I simply had less people to faff with my concentration. My only regret is that he wasn't there for her delivery (he was looking after ds). Good luck, I completely understand you wanting your dh to be there for a first labour
I wanted my DH to keep tabs on what was happening - so that I didn't have to. I told him to keep an eye on the clock and ask the midwife where things were up to and how long she thought each stage was going to be, what the options were etc. I wanted him to be my advocate as my fear about birth was delayed delivery/caesarian and oxygen deprivation for the baby.
It was all fine in the end - though the 90 mins pushing first time was bloody tiring!
I couldn't have done it without DH and for the first 2 births the babies were taken away from me and if he hadn't been there to go with them, I would have been terrified.
I didn't really have a role for DH - I didn't really need him when it came to it. I didn't want to hold hands or him telling me when to push. His job was to run around and get help when needed. This was especially true with DS2 who came in a hurry - DH had to phone an ambulance and keep DS1 out of the way.
I would make sure your DH knows about your birth plan and can tell the professionals what you want when you can't speak up for yourself. On the other hand don't end up with one of those sitcom moments when you are screaming for an epidural and he is telling everybody 'Now, we agreed we wouldn't have an epidural, didn't we'. He needs to know that you have every right to change your mind on the day, depending on how you feel.
I think the best thing you can do is keep all plans fairly loose as you just don't know how you will feel, but make sure he is able to do the things you need him to do.
These are absolutely brilliant, - I am going to get himn to read it all. Thanks so much. Its funny - I would probably be considered to be a more extra than introverted person in real life, but I have no idea how that will translate in labour - whether I will be loud and shouty and want to chat, or go into myself. Its all sucha great big unknown. Useful to know to think a bit more about how to get the things that might be needed (drinks, ice, snacks etc) in hospital, if it doesn't end up happening at home. I think I have been metaphorically sticking my fingers in my ears and going "la la la I cant hear you" about the idea of having to transfer, but of course its entirely possible it will not happen at home, so I will stop with the ostrich act now.
I am mostly extravert and became quite introverted during labour. DH had expected shouting and swearing like a fishwife, when I actually became very quiet and well-mannered! (Until the final 10 minutes....but we won't go into the details just now!)
DH learnt from the MW that he should only let me hold his wrists during contractions, and not touch his thumbs because apparently women in labour can break their partners' thumbs really easily and they don't repair very well
I have to admit, the MW was much more useful than DH...
You may be very unpredictable during labour you might not want him anywhere near you. Could you let him know that in advance. I was like that with dd but with ds I was very clingy (ridiculously so)
Do you have a list of things he could be need to do. Food/drinks/toiletries/oils/towels and let him sort it all out in one place so he doesn't have to go off and find things or worse still ask you where everything is. A friend of mine put everything in a suitcase for her husband and had him fetching and carrying stuff form that one point.
DP was great during dd1's birth. Rubbed my back, gave me verbal encouragement (direct style, no fluff-wuffy shit)
Let me pulverise grip his hand until it turned blue etc. Was generally very supportive and I don't think I would have had the straightforward delivery I had with her if he hadn't have been there
With dd2 I was in a different frame of mind entirely - knew what was coming, knew what I had to bear, knew what I had to do blah blah blah. He was a bit surplus in a way (I have told him this, btw - he wasn't offended) In fact he and the midwife irritated me with their mindless witterings re financial matters and the construction industry
What I meant to say is you just don't know what you'll be like in labour (as Meggleveche said). So prepare him for that. But a good back-rubbing technique is a must!
Would suggest that he gives you his forearm to squeee rather than his hand. I nearly broke poor DH's hand by squeezing it and the midwife wisely suggested that I use his forearm instead! Tell your DH that it really helps to hear "you're doing fantastically", "I'm so proud of you", etc.
In addition to all the great advice you've already had...Tell him NOT to:
Put sick bowl (empty) on your head and take photos because it looks a bit like a bowler hat. And is hilariously funny. Not.
Whine about being hungry, and then after baby's arrival whine about being a bit tired. This is even more frustrating if midwives scurry off to make him tea & toast and won't let you have any.
Video any part of you that you would not normally wish to be photographed. And incidentally do not do a bit of video every few minutes that starts by focussing on his watch whilst he says the time - not only is this quite annoying after the first 6 times it also makes the resulting "highlights" video pretty tedious.
Steal the gas & air to "Have a go" when midwife not in room.
So, if he avoids all that it'll be fine! Really though, he loves you, his biggest problem will be feeling he can't really DO anything very much. Good luck with the birth!
Don't at any stage (even at 5am) say, 'God, I'm really tired'. Just don't. This was 13 years ago, and it still causes the occasional prickly moment in our marriage.
If he sees anything he would prefer not to have seen, and which you would prefer him not to have seen, he should never make any mention of it. Ever. Flippant comments along the lines of, 'blimey, there really was nothing left to the imagination' are NOT a good idea, even several years later, even after the consumption of alcohol.
Do not faint in the July heat when the midwife passes you the smeary newborn baby in a bit of a rush because she is busy attending to your wife WHO HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH TO A 10LB BABY WITH NO PAIN RELIEF IN TEN MINUTES FLAT. Just don't. You will never be allowed to forget it.
make sure he takes a thermos of coffee and plentiful snacks for himself, he has to be able to keep up his strength for what could be a long haul. it is really taxing for the man as theý feel helpless..
make sure he knows your wishes and can advocate for you with medical staff.
If you say you dont want to be touched then dont touch you!!
My DH is a heamophobe and couldn't stay with me once i started pushing, my Mum ended up being my birthing partner with DS... she kept touching my hand, rubbing her thumb across the back of my hand... it felt like she was grining holes in my hand... i told her not to do it, she didn't stop, i threw her hand off mid-contraction, she grabbed it again, even to this day all i can remember is the feeling of grating i had on my hand!! It was something she thought to do to comfort me, but i'm a lone labourer (which as DS was DC1 i didn't know how i'd be) and having her touching me felt awful!! Hence with DD (DC2) i laboured alone mainly.. DH was passing out downstairs while i delivered upstairs!!
Currently 19+4 with DC3, plan my 2nd home birth, and will again labour alone and DH will come up after i've delivered!! Works well for us!!
Non-smelly snacks (for him) are a must. I had horrid nausea and vomiting during labour and at one point he was dabbing my forehead with a damp flannel in one hand and salt and vinegar ceisps in the other. I managed to remain calm but made it very clear that the crisps had to be moved immediately. Dh still laughs about it (his response was 'oh are they making you feel sick' so he MUST have known) but at the time he seriously p*d me off!
I think just be prepared for the fact you are going to see your partner in a huge amount of pain and there is nothing you can really do about it. I know my DH found witnessing my pain incredibly upsetting, and that he hadn't been prepared for it at all.
Don't say "I'm so tired, I've been on my feet all night" after a 5.30 am birth (thanks for that, ex-DH ), and don't accidently pull the canula thing out of your partner's hand (and thanks for that one go to current DH).
Totally agree with hairymcleary - dh failed on 3 occasions to tie my hair back when I asked him to, and on one occasion managed to flick the mw in the eye with the hair band. It was very irritating.
Tell him not to say "my, that's a bigger cut than I thought" when you have an episiotomy. Not helpful.
Apart from that, he was actually pretty fantastic. He read my birthplan in detail (admittedly while we were waiting to be shown to a room...) and spent a lot of time making sure it was going the way I wanted.
I agree with Haylstones - Bear in mind that you might become very sensitive to smell, so I would recommend that he does not wear strong aftershave. A friend also couldn't bear to have her dh near her because he smelled of coffee, and then mints (trying to cover up the coffee).
My dh slept on the hospital bed while I was on all fours over the beanbag! Not a good idea!
And make sure he realises that it is utterly unacceptable to take photos of you immediately after birth looking sweaty and dishevelled with your boobs akimbo trying to force a nipple into your baby’s mouth if he is then going to upload the photos to the computer and send them to EVERYONE in your address book without checking the list first. Don’t think my boss or my accountant have ever got over the shock.
LOL at liberal's going for a nap in the car and Bernard's nerve grating cht chat about the construction industry! Meggle - good idea about the list. I will definitely do that.
out of interest, what snacks work best in labour - is it savoury, or do you need sweet stuff and chocolate for instant energy boosts. for some reason I have fixated on mini tuna sandwiches as something I will want. Bizarre.
I am sure everyone will be different, but I had absolutely no interest at all in food during the process. Had a 14 hour labour (from first twinge to baby out - first dc) and no food past my lips. I wasn't sick and didn't feel nauseous, just didn't even think about eating. Drank a fair bit, encouraged by MW and DH. I think my body went into survival mode, with all sorts of hormones winging around, and removed any appetite.
I had taken energy sweets, cereal bars and fruit/nut mix with me (ws induced), but didn't touch them. Handy though for the 4 days afterwards in hospital whilst bf!
Take a mixture of things, as you never know what you'll be in the mood for. High fat things are generally bad though, as they can make you feel sick. Cereal bars are good options as they are low-odour, which might be an issue (as mentioned before), they're also good for after labour if you end up in hospital (no room service at the 3am feed ). I'd also recommend glucose tablets, as they were the only thing that I could stomach.
My DH insisted on eating cheese and onion kettle chips, by the way, during DD1's delivery, while I vomited constantly. They were banned from DD2's delivery!
doing the whole phone call thing.. labour ward, midwife, he assembled and filled the birthing pool, he sieved poo, kept me and the midwife in drinks, did cold flannels for my forehead. BUT most of all, once a contraction started he reassured me that this one was passing, a bit like the counting down that was mentioned earlier. It was something to aim for and focus on.
and when I doubted myself he reassured me that I could do it.
DS was born at home 2.5 yrs ago, DH and my mum were my birth partners. You may have to transfer, but try and see it as labouring at home as long as you can, also 60% of first-timers don't end up transferring...
DH and my mum worked as a team, I was really impressed by how well they got on together. I had talked to DH beforehand about not being offended if I didn't want him around at all. He did try a bit of back massage at one point and I couldn't stand it! He backed off fairly quickly.
As others have said, lots of practical things that they can do re snacks/drinks. DH was also the one who called the MW when I was incapable of talking any more. One practical thing, first labours can be long, I laboured overnight and so DH & mum took 'shifts' and turns to sleep so that they were a bit fresher and able to support me.
Hope it all goes well for you - am gearing up for DC2 in about 4 weeks time myself....
Frogs - 10lbs in 10 minutes???!!! Just thinking about that made my eyes water. I also just watched some birth videos on youtube and not sure if that was a good idea or a bad one. . Thanks for the inspiration tho rhinestone - and good luck with your second!
Yes, from 5 cm to giving birth in 10 minutes. I was still in the admissions suite, not on the labour ward. For several frantic minutes they got the trolley wedged across the corridor, with me doing theatrical, childbirth-in-a-soap-opera groans, while the midwives shouted 'You can't give birth in the corridor'. I distinctly remember thinking, 'what are you talking about, of course I can'.
Mercifully it didn't come to that. But I do remember yelling 'Give me drugs' and the midwife replying, 'You're not having drugs, you're having a baby'. Had I not been quite so busy she might have lived to regret those words.
And yes, he was 10lb. Second baby, though. With the third I went from cervix tightly closed to giving birth in 15 mins. She was 9lb 14oz. And no, I'm not having any more.
LOL@ "the midwives shouted 'You can't give birth in the corridor'"
as regards the mahoosive babies - I am only 5'1 and DH is 6'2" with a 50inch chest and ginormous shoulders, so I was worrying early on in pregnancy that I would "grow one too big" but bump appears to be a manageable size, considering.
Funny though - given todays modern technology, not to mention aeons of midwifery experience, I always assumed that estimating an actual birth size should be really easy and quite accurate - I wa surprised to learn i was completely and utterly wrong and that apparently nobody can really know til baby comes out!
Agree with not being smelly. I made my DP go and clean his teeth while I was in the middle of my marathon two-hour pushing fiasco because his breath was a little stale. Cheese and onion crisps or pongy aftershave would have been unbearable.
Keep the glasses of water coming - if you have gas and air it dries your mouth out terribly.
And telling me how things were going when we got to teh pushing stage. Things like 'I can see the head' and 'OMG it's got loads of black hair' really spurred me on at the end.
Hiya, I also laboured in the pool for the first bit. Was lovely having music and dim light, the water's such a good pain reliever. Great that your mum's there to give him a break too.
Anyway... my husband did a lovely job in his own way, he shoved a cereal bar or banana in my mouth at evey opportunity, remembered how often to give me arnica/rescue remedy, fed me water through a straw etc, rubbed my lower back and said I was doing well. Given that at my own birth my dad went as far down the corridor as neccessary to not hear my mum (!) I'm really so grateful for that...
But in hindsight there were specific things I needed that unfortunately my midwife didn't provide which I thought she would. I really needed a good "mothering" and to have someone come up to me really close, look me in the eyes and smile calmly, hold my shoulders, and tell me I COULD do this, breathe, imagine each contraction bringing the baby closer, and be really calm etc. I think they all let me get on with it a bit too much and as a result my thoughts ended at what I was feeling, not what the end result was going to be, and what I was working towards.
You could be the absolute opposite of course, but he's obviously interested from what you've said in providing support, so you could have a talk about how you are likely to react, knowing your nature... Otherwise, with 2 to support you, they can have a chance to discuss how you're coping and what you need at the time?
May I add that after a rather awful time with DD, one of memorable aspects was DP with garlic breath, which was awful. I think I may have had more gas and air so I could breathe!
Made him promise not to have garlic/onions for 24 hours when I had DS. Hope this doesn't sound unreasonable...
Ooh, Jojay, just read your comments about keeping the water coming and remembered that that was DH's mostimportant job during the whole thing was pouring water on me during the crowning bit!!! Poor thing thought he was going to drown the baby. Bloody hell, it helped though!
one more thing about a home water birth. A dull thing but necessary - if you are planning to give birth in a pool and don't have a combi boiler you need to ensure a constant supply of hot water as the pools take much more than one boiler can supply unless its huuuuge. eg tea urns One tiny, little note of caution - I also did the metaphorical stuffing my fingers in my ears and even walked out of my NCT class ( for a cuppa!) when they showed the pictures of a c section cos I didn't need to know. We also didn't even bother to visit the hospital as of course I would have only been going there in an ambulance and wouldn't need to know where anything was! Won't bore you with the detail of what actually happened but lets just say that it might have been an idea to do some basic research such as where exactly the maternity unit was on the hospital site etc etc
just wanted to add - make sure there is a camera near by - although I didn't want "in labour" pictures the two pictures on my profile immediately after the boys were born are my most treasured pictures.
I didn't want to be touched at all, DH's job was hitting boost on the tens at the right moment, my sister rubbed my feet till transition and DH lost a large chunk of chest hair when I was pushing as he decided he needed to move 'to get more comfortable'.
Do a trial run of filling the birth pool. DH spent the whole time in the kitchen trying to get it filled, eventually the midwife told him to forget it and come and watch his baby being born. He had only got about an inch of water in it due to poor water pressure! It was a quick labour though so he never really stood a chance.
I have been crying with laughter for the last ten minutes at this thread - especially dilbertina's comments and frogs. Thank you all. As someone who posted a few day's ago about how terrified I am about giving birth, this has given me some much needed relief....
as i am also having my first, i am very glad someone started this thread... if anything just for the funny stories about DH's. the book my midwife gave me has a section for the birth partners so i can pass on some info from that.
1: listen to the mother. she can tell you what she needs. 2: during labour, actively support her, making eye contact, and do the breathing yourself so she can follow you. 3: help her to stay relaxed by touching, massaging, talking and breathing with her, reminding her to move around. 4: when a contraction starts, focus on her. don't let people talk to her while she is having a contraction. 5: when a contraction is over, giver her sips of fluids and help her to move and relax. 6: encourage her 7: if she tells you something is not working for her, do not try and force her to follow you. move onto another relaxation or breathing technique. 8: tell her she is doing great and make eye contact and smile lots. 9: tell her not to worry about the noises she is making. 10: get ice chips, wipe her forehead, walk with her, rub her back and help her with comfort positions 11: if she wears eyeglasses, be sure they are on hand 12: stay with her 13: stay calm 14: you are the liaison for the mother with medical staff so be informed on the birthing plan and be ready to make changes as she feels is needed. 15: you may need to take charge if the mother needs help coping so be calm and say encouraging things 16: hold her tightly but gently 17: tell her to look at you, make eye contact and smile. 18: talk to her between contractions and ask if you are helping her. 19: when she says she can't go on, stay with her, tell her its hard now but that you can make it together, and think of the baby to come. 20: shower together 21: stay with the mother during labour... unless otherwise instructed by her and therefore, don't be offended if she wants to be left alone.
hope that helps... it has me.
in terms of food to be on hand, you want slow releasing energy food like bananas or granola bars and gatoraid to drink. dorset cereals do some really fab granola bars... too bad i can't get them in Canada.
DO be on hand to catch your wife as the bed which the trainee midwife put up incorrectly collapses and your DW plummets to the floor with the epidural line in her spine and the baby crowning. (thank god he was in the right place at the right time).
DON'T after the event, regale all your friends in public with stories of the total gutter-mouth your wife became whilst under the influence of gas and air.
and DON'T listen to the doctor stitching you up to come and admire his handiwork, when your DW has specifically asked you to stay away from the 'business end'. I felt like some art exhibit as the two men stared and my fanjo and nodded in satisfaction at each other.
Above all, your partner should be YOUR ally and support. I was so grateful that he was insistent to the midwife that my waters had broken even though she wasn't convinced. An hour later my DS was out. He trusted my instincts above all else.
good grief aphrodite!!! what must have been going through your head when the bed was caving in! crazy!
my midwife says as well that the only person that knows exactly what is going on and knows first if something has happened or is 'wrong' is the woman giving birth so listen to her. hear hear to your DH about the waters. it can be daunting to stand up to medical staff when we put so much trust in their expertise.
DO - understand that you will probably want a massage, then not want a massage, then want a massage, then try and bite his hand if it comes anywhere near you as you doNOT want to be touched at all.
DO NOT - When sent home as the MW say "nothing is happening" fall asleep and knock the phone off the hook, making it back to find that your wife is fully dilated (even though the MWs have said she is not having strong contractions ) and about to be thrown in a wheelchair and dashed to the delivery suite for her "45" minute labour (really - that is what it said on my notes!)
DH got ridiculously knackered during labour (in hosp) as it went on for 4 days, (positive this wouldn't have happened at home) so next time I would make hime go for a sleep early on and get someone else to keep me company.
During the contractions it was Dh's job to crank up the tens machine, and wipe my face with a cold flannel and tell me how much time had elapsed in 15 sec intervals, I knew how long my contractions were lasting so I could counsel myself that I was "halfway through" or I only had 15 more secs and then it would be subsiding etc.
DO NOT smirk at the way hospital gown is showing belly-warmer-covered-arse poking out the back.
DO NOT hog the gas and air and marvel at how spaced out it's making you feel.
DO NOT (when DW screams as the contraction monitor strapped to her belly goes off the scale) throw the gas and air back and watch it bounce of her belly, because you think the doctors/MWs are coming back in the room.
I had visions of wanting foot rubs, back massages etc but when it came down to it i couldn't bear anyone touching the bed, let alone me during a contraction!
both my DP and my (fabulous) friend were hungry and decided that curry pasties or something would be a good idea. after they'd eaten and came near me, i couldn't bear the smell so sent them away! one of them went off for mints but that smell was just as bad!
like thenewme, i went completely into myself. i didn't open my eyes at all once i was 5cm
DP was instructed to remain positive about everything. and if things weren't going quite as well as they should be, to try and put a positive spin on it ie NOT "ooh, you're only 3cm" but instead "wow, you're 3cm already"
the bit I am most pleased about is that DP knew that when i started shouting for drugs because i couldn't carry on etc that it meant i was getting close and to completely ignore my requests for drugs!
one more thing (sorry, this is a bit of a random collection of thoughts!), I remember being really irritated when MW and someone were having a chat about something i deemed ridiculous (ie weather, price of plums). Their chat brought me up out of my own safe place in my head. Wasn't the end of the world because i went back again but remember being annoyed at the time!
i guess most importantly, enjoy every second. its a truly magical experience
I've had a hb with pool for both of mine. The most important thing dh can do in advance is practise setting up the pool (inc filling it). With dd we borrowed an inflatable pool & we hadn't inflated it properly so it went all saggy & I had to get out. With ds we rented a wooden pool with heater & cover. Dh set it up & filled it the night we got it & about 1mth ago I had a brilliant water birth.... Those pools with heaters are best as no need to keep topping up with hot water & no worries about filling the pool at the start of labour (they come with safe treatments to keep the water clean). Plus you can use them in the last couple of weeks of pg to relax in (only downside is the space they take up!)
Other than that, dh was on food & drinks duty (sandwiches/biscuits/cups of tea for mws & juice cartons for me) tho with ds things were pretty fast so he didn't have much to do. Rubbing my back, holding g&a mouhpiece between contractions & supporting me in the pool when I had taken a bit too much g&a & was convinced I was going to slip & drown were also useful....
I think its great that your Mum will be on hand too - I wish I'd had another person in addition to DH. He was fab, but it turned out all I wanted was to hold his hand/arm really tightly the whole time so sadly he didn't get a chance to snack, drink or go to the loo or anything! It would have been great to have someone else around to pass the drinking water (with straw) for me, face-fan for me, snack and drink for him, take over for his loo-breaks etc. I would also agree with non-smelly snacks only and no aftershave! In addition, I'd recommend your Mum knows your birth plan inside out too so she can talk to medical staff on your behalf too, or at least remind dh/dp what you want if he shows signs of forgetting in all the emotion. Wishing you all the best for your birth!
Get him to think of different supportive phrases as my dh kept saying "You're doing really well" so often he ended up sounding totally sarcastic and I kept telling him to f off. It didn't help he was sitting in an armchair in the corner reading the paper and looking up every so often to utter the phrase. He did try to be supportive when the doctor asked him did he want to see ds head when it was out and he rose momentarily from said chair and said "ooh it's tiny" when it turned out he actually thought it was bloody massive.
oh yes the newspaper DO NOT FLICK THE PAGES OF THE NEWSPAPER IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONTRACTION it makes you seem like a callous oaf and that goes for the midwife too. Otherwise they were both fab, although to be honest I wanted to be with someone who had had a baby who could look me in the eye and truly understand
DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to use "reverse psychology". Telling a labouring woman, who is in agony, that "this is ridiculous, we're going home" is really not a good idea, and is likely to send them into complete meltdown.
DP and his mum were with me when I had DS - their biggest task was to rub my back through each contraction. other than that they chatted with me between contractions etc. but then I had a very calm birth experience.
My Dp kept reminding me to 'drop my shoulders' during each contraction (I had to stand up and lean against the wall for each one) and it helped massively... just to remind myself to relax.
also...make sure that he knows your birth plan backwards, so that if you can't talk (could happen) then he'll be able to talk for you.. DP knew what was really important to me and which bits I could let go of, and was ready to fight for them if need be.
For their 2nd DD, the DH of a friend knew the best thing for him to do (after a huge amount of "get off, f* off, get out of my sight" first time round) was to sit quietly in the corner reading a magazine (FHM I think). Suprised the midwife a bit but he was close enough to be there when he was needed. Both agree it was by far the best thing for both of them.
My dh used to be a sports coach and I was a little worried it would all be a bit half time team talk! But he was amazing, he kept tell me how strong I was, how fantastically I was doing , talking me through the contractions and generally being the world's best cheer leader! Personally when the time came, I didn't want back rubs and general fussing around me, I need focus and belief that I couldn't possibly be doing a better job than I was doing. I can't thank him enough.
Do - spray you with magicool. Tie your hair back if stuck to your face. Shrug off any verbal and physical vileness that comes his way. Touch you / don't touch you according to instructions.
Don't - say breathe breathe... don't forget to breathe every few seconds. Or make any remarks along the lines of 'its like a slaughterhouse in here' or 'I feel sick'
I needed not to be alone, but not to be bothered, either. What I don't need is the least uncertainty or fear from my partner.
Dh was my birth partner each time, but once I was with my dad and my sister for a short period while dh got some stuff organised. My dad was brilliant, because he never let on that he was upset by my pain, or that anything was frightening. My sister recognised that she couldn't put on that 'game face' and so she faded herself into the background IYSWIM and let dad get on with supporting me. Apparently dad was timing my contractions, but discreetly. I didn't notice, which was exactly his objective.
The best for me was when my partner was quietly in the room with me, not bothering me, but ready to leap into action on my demand.
We tried out lots of different actions to help me, so that once I'd identified what worked for me all I had to do was grunt "now!" and he'd do it. With dd this meant standing behind me while I knelt on the floor, and crushing my pelvis between his knees! But you don't find that sort of thing out unless you are prepared to experiment during contractions. I wasn't willing to do that with ds1, and I'm sure the labour was tougher and more protracted as a result.
Dh felt helpless during ds1's labour, despite the fact that I felt him to be my rock, because he thinks he did very little. During dd's labour, OTOH, he was very hands-on, and he felt much better about that labour.
It is also important that your birth partner be your advocate, because sometimes you need them to argue your corner when you yourself seem to have lost all power of self expression. For this you need to discuss openly what you want to do, and what your alternatives are.
Finally, your birth partners must understand that what you say to them under the influence (whether of contractions, fatigue, or Entonox) is to be accepted without laughter or anger.
I'd really recommend reading Sheila Kitzinger's "Birth Your Way"- it's really postive about home births and the important supporting role birth partners can play. I got it out of the library and it really helped us- good luck!
The most useful thing my DH did was just to be with me. I didn't want to be touched / massaged etc but didn't want him to leave my side either! While we were at home he also timed contractions, which I found strangely reassuring.
Would also agree with everyone else who's mentioned food for DH and and the importance of not having hair in the face and making sure your DH knows where the headbands are stored without needing instructions when your contractions are 3 mins apart...
Haven't read the thread but I would recommend that after 3 days of labour, when you are mid contraction holding a squeezy water bottle and accidently squeeze it over your DH, that he does NOT squeal in anguish "why did you get me wet?!" because you will never let him forget it.
Also - if you want a SNORKEL in labour (to breathe under water and block out the midwives nattering), I suggest that even if your DH thinks you're completely mad, he does NOT tell you and just humours you, "yes dear, I've sent someone to get one etc", otherwise you will not stop asking for a snorkel for several hours and will berate him for weeks afterwards about his unsympathetic approach to a labouring woman's request and unreasonable dislike of snorkels.
I asked my dp to know how to work the tens so that he could press the buttons while I focused on the job in hand - when we put it on and I asked which button to press he said the wrong one - I was uninpressed.
He asked me which junction the hospital was from the motorway when we went for a tour - I said I didn't want to be asked that ever again, fortunately I wasn't
He kept passing me glasses of water in between contractions which was great as I didn't get a dry mouth with gas and air.
His other job was to make sure any doctors washed their hands before touching me which he did
Can you trust him? DD1 was born in hospital birthing pool JUST after DH's job ( given to him by MW as he was looking like a spare part) was to let out some of the water and top up with warmer water to get the temp right. Only DH forgot to put the plug back in and It was too late to get out so I had to reposition myself ( at great discomfort) so our DD could be delivered under some water!!! In fairness he did ok for the next 2, esp DS who he delivered himself. Your DH will have to accept that you will not be yourself during labour, you don't know what you will be like and at NO point should he argue with you (even if he thinks it funny) talk about his feelings sigh, tut, laugh or yawn look at you in the wrong way check the time get offended by anything you do/ say offer you any helpful advice (unless you ask for it) Am I being unreasonable?
Decide with your dh how you are going to make decisions if thing start to go pearshaped. Do you want him to follow your lead, discuss things, ask the mw specific questions, or just make decisions? Dh tends to go all dithery and indecisive at these moments but my decisions in a crisis are usually pretty bad. Such as when I woke up in a huge puddle of blood at 34wks with ds1, and decided I needed a cup of tea. It took dh about ten minutes to realise that actually he ought to be in charge, and to phone an ambulance.
Make sure he knows what to do if things go really pearshaped after the birth. Does he stay with you or go with the baby? We knew that ds2 was going to NICU when he was born so dh was under instructions to go with him, and if ds2 was old enough and well enough to be held, then dh was to whip his t-shirt off and do skin-to-skin.
If you do end up in hospital, your dh will need to go off to phone people to tell them the news afterwards - because you can't use a mobile on the ward. Make sure he knows he's got to get back to you quickly, he isn't going off for a good long chat with his mum ...
Sorry, not terribly encouraging I know! I hope you get your homebirth.
Agree with the suggestion of getting your birth partner to keep a camera to hand, preferably a digital one.
This might sound a bit gross but I got DH to take a photo of the baby crowning, as everyone else in the room had had a good look and I didn't see why I shouldn't see it too.
However, it's very important that you only do this kind of thing with a digital camera as: (a) you can see it straightaway while you still give a toss (b) you can delete it straight afterwards so it doesn't get passed round the family with the other 'new baby' photos, and (c) well, frankly, you really don't want to be taking that along to Boots to be developed, do you?
