Those on my nov thread know that I'm five days overdue and not being very patient. However, having read loads of birth books like gaskin and the like, im not sure whether im mentally keeping this baby in.

I have mental in laws, i mean really clingy and possessive. Dh does loads to put them in their place but i'm petrified that my baby, once born, becomes part of them.

The have another grandchild, a 17 month old girl and my MIL looks after her four nights per week, she is at nursery rest of time and with parents three evenings and sunday. My in laws find this normal part of having a grandchild. whilst ive explained im going to be a SAHM and breastfeeding(hopefully) and things will be different.

they already drop in unannounced, despite being asked repeadedly not to, they make comments about when they have my baby overnight which ive said wont be for a long time. They want to know when im in labour and ive said no, they want to attend my home birth..again no. and i just know that despite being told not to, they would rush straight over to see the baby.

they do this out of love and are basically the primary carers for the other grandchild which is none of my business, but it has set an unrealisitic precendence for my now overdue baby.

Im convinced that part of it failing to show up is the fear that releasing my baby makes it part of the world and less mine. I know that sounds selfish and irrational. What were your experiences of in laws at a time when you want to be selfish with the person you have nurtured for nine months. how can i let these feelings go?

I can only sympathise. You won't want to hear about my ILs turning up 4 days post section and staying for 9 hours I suppose?

Firm, very firm ground rules from day 1. DH must police. It is his job to turn people away/tell people how long is too long. You make the decisions. DH enforces them. It will be hard but you start as you mean to go on. Can you have a chat with dh now so you are reassured that you can work together from the beginning?

We banned ANY visitors for first 4 days at home. Families weren't happy but did understand and observe the request. As showofhands says set firm ground rules.

yes have spoken to Dh and bless him he has tried so hard already to instil this from the start. i cant fault him. this week i was sat naked on birth ball as had mild pains and FIl turned up unannounced. Dh made it clear to him its not acceptable as we're having a home birth and dont want an audience. FIl laughed it off saying they have all had babies and been at the "mucky2 end. Dh got angry and told them to call but they said we dont always answer. they then got in a mood and walked out but i know they will be back again next week unannounced seeing no wrong in it.

Im just dreading it, i dread them coming to see my baby, knowing if its a girl they'll want a boy, that i'll be judged as clingy etc for feeding it etc. im just dreading the whole thing. Dh tries so hard but they are truly oblivious to boundaries.

DrsWife you need a bolt on your door pronto.

As others have said - stand your ground. With ds1 we let family visit the day after - couldn't wait to show him off. ds2 the same except Sil's sister arrived at the hospital too uninvited. so with ds3 we made very clear ground rules - 24 hours just me, dp and baby. After 24 hours gp's then other family and friends came during the week on our terms. Honestly do what you want to do - it is your baby and you really don't know how you'll feel till you've had your baby.

ha ha. Ive taken steps to avoid the intrusion part, we have laminated signs from the midwife which state do not enter and babymoon in progress no entry without prior appointment.

i think im more concerned at how i will feel when my baby becomes a part of the world and very much a part of their family. Its such a weird and selfish feeling

Dh and I are very private and to be fair we rarely see in laws but i know (from the other grandchild) that they will want to see it loads, my mum lives far away and they live round the corner. they already make comments about popping in or me taking pram round etc and i just feel claustophobic already.

i think ive got real concerns about my ability to share a baby that i view as mine and DH's at present. I know im selfish, i know they will love the baby as its part of them but i just cant see it as part of them yet and it feels suffocating already.

My mother was a bit like that but tbh I decided I wanted to do things my way and her advice although well intended was very much out of date. I just got on with it. She even rang the hospital while I was in labour 5 times to see if I had had ds1 - how embarrassing. It took a while but she soon realised that I was capable of being a mother and started to butt out.

I really empathise with feeling as if your baby will be part of a family that isn't yours and bonded to people you often can't understand (and may not always like).

My situation isn't the same as yours, in that my in-laws don't have any other grandchildren yet, but I just wanted to say, having had two babies now and in-laws I don't always like, that your instincts will kick in for the good of your child. You will find yourself able to say no, to not hand the baby over if you don't want to, to shut yourselves away for your babymoon and sod everyone else.

Ime the mother of the DH and your mother will have different roles; I think the mother's mother takes precedence somehow. You, as the mother, are the focus, and your mother will feel closer to you than DH's mother. Hope this makes sense.

You sound so worried and I just wanted to reassure you that it will be wonderful, you will cope, things will slip into place. My DC have actually (unbelievably) improved my relationship with my in-laws. Things are more of a level playing field now. Oh, and you are utterly, totaly entitled to be selfish about your baby. He or she will be selfish about you. Good luck.

thank you lastyears you've nailed how i feel. i know i was rambling but its because i was so jumbled in my head. i think thats the part i havent accounted for, the strong feelings and bond i will have for my baby that should override anything im not comfortable with. thats very reassuring thank you

I think I did this too - held DS in for 13 frickin' days!!

We moved to Australia when I was 13wks preg and MIL made immediate plans to visit for the birth. Rather thn ask if if would be ok to fly in 3 days after DS was due she just went ahead and booked her flights. She ignored DH when he suggested waiting a few weeks as those dates suited her best.

We had and idea he may be overdue as DD was 9 days over. Anyway her stay here was for 10 days and I held out. I was induced on the morning she was due to fly back to the UK and DS was born 6 hrs before her flight left.

MIL managed about 1hr of cuddles in the hospital before DH had to leave us and drive her to the airport.

I found it really frustrating that she put her needs before ours but I feel that having a several thousand mile buffer zone between us I can cope. Next time I have a baby she will not be told the real due date!!

Be the mother you want to be don't let them force you into doing what they want - it is your baby and your rules.

Good luck! I hope your little one arrives soon.

I can understand lots of what you are saying.
My ILs had 2 gc before my first ds arrived and they see sooo much of them (live really close to them but not us), they were both bf so could stay with gps right from the start - not sure how old they were the first time to be fair, but a i bf until 1 they can't stay there overnight without me until then.
and boy does my MIL let me know how unhappy she is with that!
(are you still feeding? oh you naughty girl! you should stop feeding if you're tired. you could leave him here and go and have a holiday/rest.etc.etc.etc.)

I am quite 'possessive' of my children i guess compared to my SIL but actually i think bf could help you in this case.

Every time they are around and baby is hungry, you could turn the whole 'feeding where you like' debate on its head and go upstairs to feed/doze/cuddle and get some private time with baby. they'll give you grief but they prob will anyway so just get what you want
encourage dh whenever he is firm, lots of praise

and def DO NOT let them know you are in labour at thought of audience!

They do sound overbearing.

I can relate to what LastYearsModel said - having children did actually improve my relationship with my ILs.

I had a similar experience with a relative who flew to see us when DC1 was due. She had wanted to be in the delivery room with me but I did at least manage to tell her that I didn't want anybody except partner there. However I was too timid to be straight with her from the start that I really didn't want anyone else there at all for those first precious hours (for some people that may be days..). Anyway I went a week overdue, she extended her flights - at 10 days overdue and the day she'd left I went into labour. Don't think it can be coincidence!! I agree with the other people that have posted, I think you'll agonize less once the baby is born and your tigress emerges in full fettle. Good luck with everything

Good luck and try to focus on you, DH and baby. It would drive me mad. My MIL was buying up loads of baby kit from me being 16 weeks and I found it very intrusive, even though I was bloody grateful for it later. In laws tend to see DIL as the vehicle for their precious GC, and don't give as much of a stuff about you and your wellbeing, ime.

One thing I would say though is that once all this is over and your DC is a bit older, you will be grateful for the babysitting and other help (very grateful!), so try to remain civil, but I know how maddening it is and when my DS was tiny I didn't really want anyone handling him, I would be standing beside MIL/FIL with clenched fists waiting for him to be handed back..

Hope your DH can hold them off for you, sounds as if he is on board. best of luck!

ohh this is all so encouraging thank you, yes i have visions of taking myself off to feed baby. ive already been told i have to take it to an xmas party which i find ludicrous to expect a new mother to commit to anything at all. yes i will be grateful for any babysitting and support but not when my baby is five days old like my SIL did. Ive been told breastfeeders are clingy possesive mothers and to leave the baby with them and get some sleep and i think im just on my guard ready to defend myself from the getgo! sighhhhh.

i'll see how it goes, this baby cant stay in forever!

you poor thing, i do sympathise. I thought I would want lots of visitors but after my birth I really wanted to be alone with my boyfriend and baby for a few days. FIL was staying and pottering around the house stressing over whether we should have mashed or roast potatoes for dinner...it took a will of steel not to tell him where to put his potatoes. He was only trying to be nice but I felt very vulnerable after giving birth and wanted to be alone.

You should breastfeed if you want to - and it gives you the perfect excuse to take yourself off for HOURS! say, the baby is a tricky feeder, but actually you and baby are upstairs watching telly! I did that all the time went I went to stay with in laws!!

Hello again DoctorsWife,
Glad my rambling made sense to you. Forgot to say my 2 were late too - 5 days and 13 days - and I did wonder at the time if I was subconsciously holding them in. I don't suppose you can ever know for sure.
Once you go past 40 weeks things are pretty strange anyway. The only thing you can do now is be as calm as possible, know that your body is designed for this job (both giving birth and breastfeeding) and do exactly what you feel like doing.
Oh, and any chance of starting a thread when your contractions start? I do love a good live labour thread!

Thedoctorswife - hope you are ok.
I can totally sympathise. My in=laws are not quite as bad as yours, but can be selfish and insensitive.
My MIL is very pro-breastfeeding and whilst I successfully fed both my ds's. she used to stand over me whilst I was feeding giving me advice about how to hold the baby get them to latch on etc etc...It was awful. I even used to take myself off to the bedroom to feed and she would follow me ARRRHH! God knows how she'd been if I'd formula fed!!!
This time round I have been much more vocal with DH about what I want, so when DC3 arrives anyday, it wil be about i want for myself and my baby...not about anyone else.
So get your DH to fight your corner for you, if you don't feel up to it yourself (which you probably won't after giving birth).
If you do BF at least you have the perfect excuse to have the baby handed back to you once they start crying..you can say 'he's hungry' even if he only fed 10 minutes ago

If it's any consolation my DS's were 10 and 7 days overdue and I did everything to make them come earlier..some babies are just late.
I know you feel mixed up, but the baby will come when it's ready

Stress can hold back a labour, if there is too much adrenalin in your system your body will decide it's not safe enough.

Sounds like you need to sort your in-laws out!

tink i deffo need to sort them out but believe me, nothing works. my SIL said i'd die in childbirth back in june, we're still waiting for an apology and havent seen her since but MIL came round to say we had to make it up with her before our baby comes...thats just tip of the iceberg!

OMG - what an earth possessed her to say something like that???? Surely it's up to her to do the making up...although I would struggle to forgive anybody that said that to me.
Sounds like they have some serious issues!
poor you

Did you have a thread on that? I seem to remember that story.

Try locking the doors and not answering them

because homebirth is for selfish bitches who dont care about the risks to their babies and so i'll die, my baby will die and its all Dh's fault for allowing it!

we still havent had all this resolved, so many more things have been said etc and all i think is that these people are coming to coo over my baby within days..and yes DH has stood up to them. we havent spoken to SIl since june but she still texts saying how excited about our baby she is..

they are truly mental..and then FIL gave me a foot rub last week and i felt violated. i could write a book on them!

yes i had a thread tink but as she never came back to me after i never had an update, here we are 5 months on and nothing has changed!

ive got bad period pains today...we could be looking at an outcome to these family issues soon if the Minimedic makes an appearance!

Oh my blood runs cold at the thought of them 'dropping in'... mine are similar but don't live nearby. I agree, DH must be clear and police the rules strictly. I was such a hormonal wreck for days after having dd that I could barely speak (not to say you will be). My advice (just what you wanted, more advice), don't justify yourself to them, accept that they go home saying "look how clingy that baby is, why doesn't she just give him a bottle, shes nothing like our other gc" etc etc. Good Luck, sounds like something may be starting for you! ps A foot rub from your FIL???

yes he rubbed my feet <boak>

you need to get a lock on the inside of the front door, keep the chain on just do whatever it takes for you to know that you have control.

i can't for the life of me remember the author but during labour, a "stranger" (in this situation its someone you haven't invited to be present) will definitely slow down labour. it apparently goes back to our cavewoman days. a woman will labour more successfully in an environment she has control over. If a stranger enters, labour slows in preparation for the mother to move away from the danger. sorry, bit rambly but i hope you manage to sift through and find my point!

Get an answering machine, a lock for your front door and disconnect the doorbell. Also get net curtains as a temporary measure if you are concerned about them peering through the windows.

Otherwise you'll never relax because no matter what you say to them, you can't rely on your inlaws to respect boundaries.

Am I strange? I had my MIL as my second birth partner, and she was there right till the end. (although she said that she kept expecting me to ask her to leave) but then I have a very good relationship with my MIL, and she is not intrusive at all - once we knew DS was fine, she just slipped out the room without us noticing, so we could have new family time.
I honestly feel for you though - your IL's sound unbearable. and frankly, the idea of leaving a new baby overnight [grrr] sounds like a real control issue - that they think about the baby more as theirs than yours. Very selfish bahaviour - it's good your DH stands up for you though (even if they don't listen)

You poor thing. I am like this with my inlaws and they live in America!

I havent read all of this but will tell you my thoughts -

You have to set them straight. If they turn up unannounced just say 'Im sorry, we werent expecting you and now isnt a good time' They will soon get the message.

My mum kept going on about having dd to stay the night and after 3 months of me saying no she has finally got the hint.

I find their relationship with their grandchild rather odd - Do you mind me asking why they have the lo 4 nights a week?

Oh, just read the rest - Defo get a bolt, net curtains and just ignore people for as long as you feel necessary x

Good luck, Im looking forward to the live birth thread x

DrsWife - this is your baby, not theirs; you will bring up your child the way you want to, dont worry about it. However, as part of your DH's life, his parents will always be part of your life - and your child's life. Its just important that you make it clear to them that this is your child and how you want your child brought up (in a nice way of course) - you can do this when the baby is here...

I was pretty insistent after having DS that I didnt want grandparents anywhere near for several weeks - we did relent when DS was 2 weeks old as we could see it was killing both sets of grandparents having to keep their distance (and I could tell it was hurting my DH who is very close to his parents); it was fine and with the benefit of hindsight it was a good thing we did, and loosened up over the next couple of months to let grandparents visit some more and dote on their grandchild as my DH's dad died quite suddenly when DS was about 2 and a half months old. I was so grateful that DS had met his granddad and we had photo mementos of that - it really helped all of us with the grieving that we didnt have that regret.

Am sort of digressing but what I'm trying to say is, you sound like a woman with clear ideas on how you want to bring up your child - having the inlaws you do, will not change that. Your child will have a wonderful life surrounded by people that love him/her. Your inlaws will be part of yor child's life - but you can set the parameters as to how much of their life they will be. Hope that helps you let go of some of your fears and kick off labour asap

Do they have a key to your house? Why???

I'm afraid I really doubt a laminated sign stating "babymoon in progress" is going to have any effect.

My PIL are not clingy in this manner but were very anti BFing. Thought it really odd of me and used to make a big fuss about whether I needed to "go and feed the baby" meaning in another room. I would then point out that I had been feeding baby for last ten minutes bang in front of them and they hadn't noticed.

I am that strange Southerner their DS married, they have got used to me now...

thanks for so many supportive replies. firstly no they no longer have a key, i took it away (i too am the weird southerner that their DS married)I have blinds at windows and we log the doors. They just round and pretty much lean on the doorbell. honestly i could easily turn this into an in laws thread but it would turn to 20 pages as you would all be incredulous. The thing is nothing they do is with malice, they are really loving caring people but have no concept of boundaries.

laura regarding their care for the little one, i need to tread carefully around that issue as i will sound judgey and i dont have DC's yet. SIL left baby at 5 days old overnight as they felt it was important to retain couple time from the outset. from then MIL has looked after the baby a minimum of two nights a week but now its up to 4. They both have really good jobs and so work 7.30-8.30, baby goes to nursery or MIL 4 times a week so they can maintain lifestyle. I have no issue with this, its not my child but its also not my way. However, as this is the only grandchild, they cannot understand why i want to be a SAHM (forfeit my wage), why breastfeed, why not leave it each week as we would have more time as a couple.

Can't your doorbell just "break"

last thing you want with a newborn is PIL leaning on the doorbell

Move house and don't tell them. It may be the only way.

if it wasnt for the credit crunch i would actually move!!
my midwife says if they knock on the door during labour she will be very very rude to them... part of me would love to see that. or i could scream obscenties at them and blame the gas and air...how cathartic would that be!
mimla its in Ina May gaskin about being interupted in labour

Doctor's Wife i had to reply. Though I don't have these exact issues with in-laws (they live further away) - I did have these exact feelings of wanting to keep my baby in and NOT let family have access to him (though not as pushy, mine and DP's families have a lot of dysfunction and weirdness). It was so extreme that I remember thinking, in all seriousness, "If only there was a way to move to another planet".

First off, it is partly hormones. Not that your ILs are being reasonable - they're not - but your reaction to it is so much stronger when you are pg and a new mum, and it will become easier to manage and less intense as time goes on. You will get stronger emotionally and it won't seem such a big deal.

Secondly, you do not have to do anything you don't want to do - this is your baby, and you must do it your way. Whatever they think about breastfeeding, SAHMs or anything else - it's not their business. If you don't want to see them at whatever point, say so. They have had their turn having babies and it is your right to have the privacy you need when you have yours.

You can say things like "I'm sorry but I am not yet ready for anyone else to hold the baby." "As I'm bf I need to be with the baby every night, so he/she will not be staying with you." Don't let anyone make you feel you are not in charge here, because you are. Wishing you lots of good luck.

I have been thinking about this over night - So much so I couldnt sleep

I think you need to talk to them. If your dh does they probably wont take it seriously. I do this now with MIL. She is over for Christmas so I have told her how it is going to be (is a nice way) Why not try to sit down with them and explain that the way you care for your lo is going to be very different to their other grandchild?

I worried about this when my dd was born. My cousin, who is more like my sister, let her ds1 stay away when he was young and we were always having him for days etc. I set the rules that I wasnt going to be like that and people have listened.

They will get used to it and if they turn up dont let them in. After a few times of being turned away they will get the message and phone first.

I hate that couple time thing (my brother and his partner are similar, but they don't work, they just have five kids that have to be farmed out at weekends) you're not a couple when a baby comes, you're a family! We still get couple time but it comes as part of a family package.

I second the doorbell breaking and I love your MW! I was very aggressive in labour, I think one of the young MWs nearly cried, she sounded like she was going to! It gives you a good excuse to be rude and say what you want and of course you can't remember any of it next day

There's another book that explains about predators during birth, The Water Birth Book. It does it from the point of view of a wild animal (my NHS antenatal teacher did something similar about a deer in a wood and a lion. I think the lion may have been lost). I think we get so hung up on the 21st century and all our mod cons we forget that we are animals built to give birth in dangerous situations and our bodies will respond in such a way.

honestly thank you all for such good advice.
laura please dont lose sleep over these nutters, i havent slept properly over them since my wedding i tell you.

I have sat down and talked things through with MIl in particular. All of our parents are seperated and that actually worked in my favour during discussions as it helped me to reiterate that if one party calls without prior agreement then the other three groups could be doing it.

My MIL cried and asked to be at the birth, when told no, she waited til she was tipsy and asked me again crying. No! ive explained all my reasoning about homebirth, my desire for privacy and just the three of us etc. Whilst they seem to accept what i say during discussion, they make other comments that make me realise they just dont agree or understand. MIL had an ambulance out and proceeded to tell me how she had told the paramedic how DIl was having a homebirth and how petrified she was. he pissed on her parade though when he told her he had delivered 29 babies and what a magical experience it was.

She's desperate to be involved, she tells me all the time how she wants the same relationship with my child as with the other grandaugher but then says how "i know it cant be the same, as your feeding it" she then asked cant i feed it? i said not unless you can start lactating!

you are all right, my fears are real but they will only be realised if i dont state my case from the outset.

She had an ambulance out? You mean she called for one?

She specifically called an ambulance in order to complain to the paramedic that you were planning a home birth? That is crazed, and dangerous. Please confirm we have misunderstood this.

Oh well done Doctor's Wife!

I don't think it would be a bad idea to remind your MIL that it is not actually about what she wants. Same goes for the rest of them. The baby is in the middle of this - priority should actually be what the baby wants, which will be you, its mum. Next in priority come you and your DH and what you want.

Also, she should realise that it is far from normal for a child to be largely given up to its grandparents as their other grandchild has been. You could take the tack of reminding them that that's very unusual and there's absolutely no way you'd expect them to have the same relationship with this baby - that would be bizarre as you are planning to SAH and bf.

Look at us - DS is 3 and he's never stayed away from one or other of me and DP overnight, ever. He sees his grandparents a few times a year. And there are loads of families like us.

oh no, i re-read that and can see how that sounds. im trying not to go into loads of detail and make this one of the spoon fed/drip drip of information threads because believe me there is so much more back ground but it would make you wince.

she called an ambulance for herself as she believed she was having a heart attack having read the symptoms on nhs direct.(trapped nerve in neck) when ambulance came, she tried to get paramdic to back her concerns on home birth. She is concerned the baby will drown in the birth pool for one.

i think she understands her relationship with grandaughter is unique because she has fundamentally become the parent but in turn she has no concept of how it should/could be.
Ive read other posts on Mn recently on how often do people see their in laws, mine would see visiting 4 evenings a week as normal. and this is part of my dread.

I thought that had to be the case, but she sounds nutty enough!

LOL at drowning in the birth pool! Doesn't she know what baby has been in for the last 9 months?

tink she says she couldnt breastfeed as she's a vegetarian?! answer me that one then?

LOL so are cows!

Drswife - you sound quite saintly in the face of your inlaws. Upshot of all the advice on here seems to be that you'll be fine - as will your baby - and you will have the birth experience, and the parenting experience, you want as you have your DH supporting you in this - your inlaws will in time come to accept this. Time to start meditating and let go of your worries so you can let that little one out.

oh i wish id thought of that retort...

It took me awhile to come up with it but I was too busy LOL! I do think I actually cried reading that

OH MY GOD. I agree with someone else earlier - Move and dont tell them, change all your phone numbers - How about Australia??

Maybe it all needs to be said when you have your lo. I do believe that after a few weeks she will get the hint.

Vegetarians cant breastfeed??? - Utter rubbish.

Sounds like she misses being a 'mother' and wants to re do it again through your children.

How about buying her a puppy??

you wont believe me..her dog just died. honestly i told you i would drip more info through. i cant buy her a puppy now!!!

and

i think your ILS have issues. so keep your front door double locked and take the phone off the hook until baby is at least a week old

you are not being selfish and irrational in wanting to have your and your DH;s wishes respected at the birth and in the first few days after birth. it is a magical and special time, you don;t need to be worrying about your foot rubbing in laws

lulumama off topic, just wanted to say how great your spiritual post was. Didnt want to post on the thread as lots of discussion around god etc. I have read spiritual midwifery and lots of what gaskin has to say is why i want a homebirth and the privacy i described etc. just wanted to say that I find it touching that you find it your vocation in helping others to achieve exactly what i seek. (footrubbers aside)

No way. Maybe a cat or sea monkeys?

Hopefully she will be so tied up with her other grandchild that she wont visit too often.

Agree with others - Keep the door locked, phone off the hook and batteries out of the door bell. She will soon take the hint x

thank you tdw46.. very kind of you to say hope you get the birth you want x

Have you let go yet TDW? I've been waiting to hear how this ends

Also wondering if you managed to give birth without the IL's present....

i decided to breastfeed my oldest son because of the xmils nasty comments about my dds, i wasnt giving her the right formula,sil used sma, so should i (aptimil which dds thrived on, wasnt as good). i shouldnt use a steam steriliser,use milton,....xmil obviously furious when she visited and asked to feed the grandson,the look on her face!!!!lol, turns out bf was the best thing for my son, he 8 now and bloody massive(wish id had the guts to do it for my dds at the time,big regret)

that was a wee bit off on a tangent there ,sorry!

Give them an 'important' job to do that will make them feel involved and keep them out of your hair!

For example: Tell them you are looking for a lightweight stroller less than 4kg that is suitable from birth (they don't exist). Or tell them you don't want any baby clothes with writing on or logos (Again, - hard to find) or better still, tell them that you have run out of time to research how long you would like to bf for and the benefits of breastfeeding and need the bfing helplines, - and could they try to get hold of and print out this information for you and your lo!

Tell them you are dreaming of hand-knitted outfits too!

I agree with all those who say your instincts kick in. YOU are completely in control of everything in your baby's life I promise. The hormones won't allow it to be any other way (although you won't actually give a feck who attends the birth tbh)!