Hello HappyPoppy
Pushing is something I feel strongly about and I've written about my experiences on other threads!
For me, it would definitely have been helpful to have some better guidance BEFORE labour ie: through antenatal classes, on how to push. The midwife at my first birth was fab btw, could not have been better, but my experience was that when you are in labour, it's often too shocking and scary to really take everything in.
The big thing for me was the difference between first and second stage. First stage I had gas and air, and coped really well by breathing through the contractions, mentally 'going into another zone' and riding above it all. I dilated to 10 cm like this - yes, it was painful, but nothing that I felt was unbearable. Then the midwife examined me, I was taken next door into the delivery room (this was a small midwife-led unit so only one delivery room) and then it all got manic. As someone described earlier, feeling your baby actually descending into the vagina and knowing it's going to come out can be hugely painful and frightening and this is the point at which many women do feel very out of control. It's also the point at which rather than 'riding above' the contractions, you have to work with them, pushing the baby out. This was the biggest shock to me, because pushing hurt, I was frightened of injuring myself and therefore held back rather than push. I also had the gas and air taken away to help me concentrate.
What would have been incredibly helpful to me was is someone had really got through to me the fact that second stage is hard hard work, a lot of physical effort. Also that when the midwife says 'Push into your bottom' it is exactly that. I think I still somehow expected the pushing to be different from having an enormous poo - and it really isn't!! I was in second stage for over two hours, and found it pretty horrendous really, but I think it would have been a good bit shorter had I known how to push.
I cannot fault the midwife - she was amazing and eventually after two hours they called in a GP as they thought they might need forceps. The doctor got gowned up ready and the midwife helped me through two last pushes and the baby was born naturally, thank goodness, as I'm sure forceps without epidural would have hurt even more than pushing the head out myself!
My first birth was followed by a CS, and then a VBAC, where I actually went to the other extreme and pushed very very hard as soon as I was fully dilated, and the baby shot out causing a second degree tear. I think the one thing I remembered from first time was that although it would hurt, I shouldnt fight against the pushing because it would take longer. However, in retrospect, the midwives/doctors should have handled things better and guided me through a slower delivery. I was in a big regional hospital due to the previous CS, where I found the midwifery and general care levels were awful compared to the midwife-led unit.
So - a long story, but yes, I think a supportive midwife who can help the woman to stay in control and help her through is essential, and preferably the mother will have had useful guidance before labour about second stage.