tell me the truth please!

[izzzie]

hello
I am a first timer, 4months pregnant and beginning to think about the grim reality of childbirth.
I would like a natural birth (rather than elective caesarian) as I am not too posh to push, but i really want to know the truth about tearing/episiotomies so I know what's ahead. I am pretty small, don't reckon my figure is really cut out for childbirth (no boobs, no hips, etc..) so i am guessing I have a good chance of tearing.
So:
a) does it almost always lead to incontinence?
How long in your experience does the incontinence last?
and
b)I know it will be the LAST thing on my mind, but just so I know, if you tear/have an episiotomy, is that the end of your sex life for a pretty long time?!
Ladies, please tell me the truth. better to know than get a nasty shock. i don't think doctors will give me an honest answer!
Thank you!!

[Quootiepie]

{{hugs}}
I had an episiotomy, and wasn't incontinent - don't think anyone is. Not that I have heard of anyway. You pelvic floor does get abit weaker, and leaking is common but will be OK in a month or so with regular pelvic floor exercises. I had sex 4 months afterwards, but my stiches were quite tight. xXx

[hertsnessex]

A) NO
B) NO

Don't send yourself into a panic. Have you read anything on birth?

I have a handout i give to clients i can mail to you if you want, and some good suggestions to help relax, and books to read!

(sorry i cant post any longer right now, sure others will be along soon)

[email protected]

Cx

[Spidermama]

izzz I think everyone is completely different. I tore three times out of four and I had 'natural' home births. I'm also quite curvy and childbearing shape. But now I have a very healthy sex life.

TBH people go back to having sex as, when and IF they are ready. Tears don't necessarly have much bearing on it.

You seem to have heard a bad tear story which is clearly frightening you. That's a shame. It's not so bad. For me the worst thing about a tear is that it stings when you wee in the week after birth.

You can do certain things to lessen the chance of tearing if you like. Rub oil into your perineum (almond oil is good) massage it. Have an active birth. My downfall was having babies with big heads and pusing too hard at the end. I should have taken one or two contractions more to allow my body to open slightly more.

Everyone is so different. Try to go into the experience with an open mind.

Good luck.

[lulumama]

congratulations !

please please please do not think you are not made for birth !! no boobs and no hips is irrelevant, two of the slimmest women i know have had 8 babies between them , who practically fell out!

a tear, 1st or 2nd degree, is not really going to cause a problem, whereas a 3rd or 4th degree tear can..and the problems can depend on all sorts of factors. there have been some threads about 3rd and 4th degree tears recently

a tear,IMO is preferable to an episiotomy, i can link to a thread about that too ! a nicely controlled delivery,with panting / breathing the baby out, is a good way to go ..delivering on hands and knees , squatting or more upright, can help avoid tearing

\link{http://www.birthingnaturally.net/cn/technique/perineal.html\perineal massage{ is good too...

read books by Ina May Gaskin and Sheila Kitzinger as they help you get into a positive mindset for delivery, IMO.....forget about not being made for birth....you make the size of babies your body is capable of delivering, on the whole.....

i think resuming sex after a baby does vary , regardless of tearing etc...

[lulumama]

perineal massage is good too...

[WestCountryLass]

a) I have had two tears and neither resulted in incontinence.

b) Not necessarily, I felt numb for a while rather than any pain once the initial healing process was over.

Also, I don't think your size dictates whether you tear or not. A couple of friends of mine are teeny tiny and had huge babies and did not tear at all. A lot has to do with listening to the midwives when you are pushing.

[funnypeculiar]

Don't worry!
I'm smallish too - 5'3 ish(?) and 7 1/2 stone prekids (bit more now!!) - and my answers to the qus are no & no!
I DID tear with both my births - 2nd degree both times, wasn't incontinant. Tearing was the thing I was most scared of about the whole birth - & at the time (both times) didn't know/care it was happening. I did do a lot of pelvic floor exercises before both births, and think that helped - they'll be covered in any pregnancy book you have.
I can honestly, honestly say that the 4-6 month period after ds (our first) was born was one of the best times sexwise for dh & me - scary the first few times, sure, but that's it.
HTH

[poppiesinaline]

I am 5'1", no hips, no boobs and have had 3 natural births.

I am not incontinent.

Had episiotomy with first, didnt tear with 2nd or 3rd.

and I can honestly say that for us, sex is much better after children than before

Can't remember how long after each birth before we had sex.. probably 4 or 5 months but that was down to exhaustion rather than anything else!

Everyone is so different. Every birth is so different. Don't listen to horror stories - people seem to love telling first timers horror stories

[PeachyClair]

Hi

[saralou100]

just remeber pelvic floor exercises are for life... not just for chilbirth!

incontinence problems can occur later in life too!!!

[Mummy2TandF]

Hiya - I had an episiotamy with ds and was not incontinent, even for a little while! and I tore slightly with dd (12 weeks ago) and it didn't make me incontinent either
After ds our sex life resumes after 8 weeks was a bit scary at first because of the thought of the stitches, but it was fine and with dd I actually stopped bleeding at 6 weeks, so sex life resumed after 6weeks and 1 day - I was never too interested in sex before children but childbirth actually seems to have increased my sex drive - although tiredness does play a part now I hope this helps.

[izzzie]

thank you so much everyone - that makes me feel more confident and optimistic.
You're right about the horror stories. My DH's first wife had an episiotomy (i haven't asked for details, obviously!) which DH seems to have been totally traumatised by, so god only knows what it was like for the poor woman herself. That's what put the fear into me.
carly,i'll email you as i would like your information!

[Mummy2TandF]

izzie - my dh was quite shocked by my episiotomy as well (at the time)- don't forget that they see it all But he got over it pretty quickly, as soon as he saw ds being born in fact. And the whole thing wasn't that bad at all for me, I think the thought of it is worse than the actual episiotamy itself.

[sexkittyinwaiting]

I'm naturally small, 5' 4", 7 1/2 stone. my last three births were natural. I tore each time, 2nd degree tears. I had absolutely no incontinence probs and the last baby was over 9lb with a big head.
Help yourself by doing those rather boring pelvic floor exercises

[Gemmitygem]

izzie, think of all the women in the far east, e.g. Japan, tend to be small and delicate figures, yet they give birth.. we are designed for it (well, kind of)..

re tearing, I would really give perineal massage a go (it's horrid and basically you're stretching everything in advance so the baby's head won't tear you). I did it, and didn't tear at all with my first baby 3 months ago, and am a slim build with narrow hips etc...

please try not to worry.. 3 months down the line the birth is honestly hardly recallable: like a weird dream which has no relevance..

[mamama]

Haven't read the whole thread but in answer to the OP:

I tore quite badly with DS, was on my back during labour & delivery & I am sure that is why, rather than me being small.

a) It did not lead to incontinence
b) It was not the end of my sex life

I had lots of stitches and it was uncomfortable for several weeks, but all forgotten now

[usandnosleep]

Hello

I want to reassure you too!

I'm small and my birth experience was nothing like the horrendous experience I was expecting.
I've had no probs with incontinence.
I had an episiotomy which healed very quickly and wasn't particularly uncomfortable either. We first had sex 6-7 weeks after birth, it felt weird for a bit but no pain (prob more to do with the fact we had sex 2-3 times throughout my whole pregnancy)

And congratulations!!

[belgo]

I tore twice and have never had incontinence. Didn't effect my sex life either - a screaming baby had a far more detrimental effect

You should do pelvic floor exercises every day for the rest of your life. I found pregnancy magazines, and antenatal classes helped to prepare me, also a book called the 'Bradley Method of CHildbirth'.

Please try not to worry - you're right you need to be prepared, but don't be frightened!

[sexkittyinwaiting]

It's very true that children have a far more detrimental effect on your sex life than the physical effects of childbirth.

[3sEnough]

Hi - episiotomy with 1st, tore with 2nd (2nd deg) and 3rd (1st deg)- no incontinence with any(except when sneezing unexpectedly when you need the loo - STILL happens!!!) Started sex after the 8 week check - bit stingy after the 2nd child/2nd degree tear but generally fine. I feet a bit as if picasso had stitched me together again - everything was there but not quite in the 'perfect' order!! Actually - no 3 child helped as things were straightened up again!!

[manitz]

OK this isn't necessarily what you want to hear but I hope it is reassuring in some way.

I had my first child by cs as she was breech. My second was a vbac and I had an episiotomy and a third degree tear. I didn't know what one was for full year and half following the birth. I have since found out that a 3rd deg is where the tear goes through the perinium and into the outer muscle of the sphincter. The outer sphincter muscle is the bit you control the inner muscle is the bit your body automatically controls. If you have a 4th degree then the inner muscle is torn.

As you can imagine my fecal experience has changed but I am not incontinent. I had sex about 3 months after birth but prob didn't enjoy it much until about 6 months after. Now it is as good as it was tho my pelvic floor is better as I've started to exercise it! My kids are lovely and I wouldn't change a thing. I think there is something like less than a 3% chance of a 3rd deg and less for a fourth, I believe that you can influence those %s by how you manage the birth:

• my husband was traumatised by every aspect of birth, losing control, swearing, the works so personally I'd ignore dh's trauma.
• as mine was a vbac they had me on my back in stirrups and my shitarsed mw said the baby was in distress due to meconium and I had to get her out quick, I pushed and pushed when I should have relaxed.

I would suggest that you aim for an upright or sitting birth. Go to the classes and train your dh to back you up in labour. For my next if we manage to conceive (sex is less due to lack of sleep rather than tearing) i shall consider a doula as my dh is not a good birth partner.

Don't be afraid to reject your mw and ask for another I didn't like mine from the start, she was unsupportive and told me I was silly for wanting to sit up. Learn beforehand what you need to worry about and what you don't and trust your body. I had a vague recollection that meconium was bad, didn't realise it just means they need to check the baby's lungs and give them antibiotics post birth. I thought it was a potential death situation and panicked.