How can I get past this and stop being angry?

[AJ279]

Just after some advice really as I've been feeling this was for a few months now. I'll explain everything so as not to drip feed.

I've never had a close relationship with my dad. Him and my mum separated when I was 2 and during childhood it would be the odd weekend he would nip over and see me and then it's memories of me sat crying with my mum because he was late or didn't turn up. As I was growing up I would go for weekends at his probably once every three months. Past few years we've been a bit closer and he's spoke to me about a few issues he's having at home and I feel more like someone to lean on and get sympathy from than a daughter. Still contact is limited to maybe once a month even throughout my pregnancy.

He has two other children from his now wife and I have never been included in his family holidays or getaways (I have always had a great relationship with DSM and don't think that's the issue-she's very much a more the merrier type)

Anyway I had told him that I was to be induced and that I didn't want people knowing until DC was here and safe, he then got all pathetic telling me who he thinks I should tell and if he told so and so they wouldn't say anything. I put my foot down and ignored it. I told him I would let him know after the birth and that he could visit when I was home. We're not close, we don't have the father daughter bond and that was just how it was.

I had DM and DP as my birthing partners and didn't want anyone else at the hospital, DPs parents wanted to be there waiting, which I'd originally said no to but after realising DP wanted them there I told him they could wait around and nip up after the birth.

I ended up being induced on the Thursday and not going to the labour ward until Saturday, I was cramping and in pain and I was happy to just have DP and DM there as my visitors (DP patents didn't come until I was sent to labour ward). My dad kept texting DM hounding her constantly asking how things were, if he could come etc. I kept saying no due to not knowing when I was to be sent to the labour ward and quite frankly, because I didn't want him there. It got to the point where DM had a to send a rather short reply saying "We don't know what's happening, I will let you know when we do".

Time came when I was sent up to labour ward and DC arrived after a rather traumatic labour, I'd just been stitched up and it was pretty touch and go throughout labour. DPs parents came up quickly and my mum texted DD to say baby had arrived safely and I would let him know when I was home. Next thing she knows he's replied saying he's on his way

He turned up when I was the most vulnerable I'd ever been, at what should have been a precious moment with people we wanted there and he started hugging me and telling me how proud he was. It made me uncomfortable and he had no right to be there!!

Nearly a year on I'm still so mad!! He's seen DC about five times since. Tries to play the doting grandad and makes it all about him.

He took our moment, he's not been the dad he should have been, he didn't deserve to share that time and I'm so mad. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but I can't seem to get past this!

[StormTr00per]

No advice I'm afraid, but my estranged Dad turned up uninvited at hospital after I'd had DS (outwith visiting hours). I was in a bad way emotionally as well as physically, and baby was in SCBU. I refused to see him and thankfully the midwifes kept him away. I was so annoyed he hadn't spoken to me in years, and felt he could just show up like that! So I do feel your anger.

[MythologicalPersonage]

I'm sorry that you had to deal with the intrusion after a traumatic and long labour. Reading between the lines your father sounds like he lacks empathy, is self-centred and tries to make each event all about him. In your shoes I would try to remain very emotionally aloof from him. When you think about his visit to the hospital try to replace your thoughts with something positive like holding the baby for the first time, how the baby smelled, how great your mum and partner were at supporting you.

If you do have another dc I would not tell your dad until after the birth. I think you will probably need to explain what effect his visit had on you, how awful the timing was and how vulnerable you felt after the birth.

[pinguina16]

Sounds similar to my parents: no where to be seen when I need them but do turn up almost unannounced when I don't.
My view is that this is pretty typical of toxic parents, parents who never fail to put their needs first (no matter what).
I don't really have any advice. The way I deal with my parents is to see them as little as possible (max 3 times a year). Bare with them when I see them. I never share anything personal with them and I pretend to listen to what they tell me about their life and that's it really. It's sad but they won't change and I have other things to do.
I think there's some thread somewhere on MN about toxic parents...

[AJ279]

Thanks for your replies. I feel a bit better for venting on here. Surprised how many people have similar experiences! I have definitely been limiting contact and will never tell him if I'm in hospital again, it may sound silly but I don't think I will ever really forgive him for it. Will definitely try replacing the bad memories with good ones though- sounds simple but I never thought about it!