So, what can we do with 18 month dd when I have my baby?!

[KathyDCLXVI]

Would be interested to know how other MNers have dealt with this one.

Our 2nd baby is due at the beginning of December; dd will be 18 months by then. The problem is we can't quite work out what to do with dd if I go into labour in the middle of the night!

My mum is keen to come up and fab with dd, but lives 4-5 hours away and doesn't like driving at night, so if I go into labour at the right time of day it will be fine! (MIL is even further away and not in good health so can't help.)
We have a brother & SIL an hour away who have 3 children aged 6 months to 6 years. They both drive; SIL is a SAHM; but as they have 3 children at different stages their life is a bit complex.
We have a next-door-neighbour who loves dd, works part-time and has one older child. She may be able to help. There is also one of the staff at dd's nursery who lives near and has babysat in the past. I'd be less embarrassed about this as we would pay her.
None of my friends are in the area (as I work in another city) and we didn't go to antenatal classes so I don't have any support network from that.
If we can get my mother there in time it will be fine, it's just that asking anyone else would feel like too much of an imposition. Or should I just go ahead and ask on the grounds that desperate times call for desperate measures?

How have other people dealt with this? Has anyone not been able to have their dh with them in labour because they couldn't find childcare? (I am assuming the hospital's not going to let us bring her with us.) Should I get my mum up in advance? (If so, how early?)

Go on MN, sort my life out for me as usual

[VanillaMilkshake]

I am in the same boat as you and also due early Dec. Although my DD is 3.

My parents have both passed away. The IL's are a coule of hours away - but dont want them involved. I have two close friends who have offered but I dont know how DD will react to being with them overnight. A neighbour has offered but DD does not know her that well - although she is happy just come sit with DD while re-inforcements arrive.

Well OKAY unlike you I have a few options, but I am uncomfortable with them. So much so that I am considering a homebirth so we dont have to rely on anyone else. It's a tough one.

[Peridot30]

Hi you could ask your neighbour or nursery teacher if they could be on standby to watch your dd until your mum arrives. It would be a shame if your dh was to miss out on child being born. I was induced both times and my family live close by so didn't have that dilemma.Good Luck whatever you decide.

[mumatuks]

We shipped my DS1 off to my parents for the week before DS2 was due, he was 22 months at the time. He had a great week, I had a restful week, but missed him like mad!!
Personally I'd arrange to get your mum to look after your DD, either at yours or hers but I'd also make emergency arrangements with the next door neighbour or good friend if you can do just incase baby makes an early apperance!

DS2 arrived the night before DS1 was due to come back, god knows what we would've done otherwise!

this time I have DS's 1&2 to think of, I'm hoping that baby3 will arrive during the night and will wake up to a new baby brother! (I'm having a homebirth)

Good Luck with the birth and hope baby arrives at the right time! Its much quicker 2nd time 'round!

[Quadrofiendia]

What about asking a local doula to do it, whilst it is not necessarily their role, i have known doulas to work in this way.

[KathyDCLXVI]

Hmm, thank you - all very helpful/food for thought.

Sounds like a belt-and-braces approach may be necessary, whatever we decide....

Will look into local doulas, Quadrophenia, though I want to go with someone familiar to dd if at all possible.

Would be so much easier if we knew in advance when ds was coming and how long it was going to take....

[franca70]

My mum came to stay with us (we are italian, therefore our families are in italy) a week before I was due with dd (ds at that time was 22 months) and stayed for another 2 weeks, which was of great help, and ds benefitted of all her attnetion.

[KathyDCLXVI]

Nice to hear that, Franca. I think it could work well for us too if I can get my mum here in time - definitely dd will love the attention.

[EliBoo]

Hmm. I would put all except your Mum on stand-by, asking them if they would be on your 'who to phone in an emergency' list - just to look after dd until the morning when your Mum could get there.

I don't think its too much to ask people, as long as you make it clear its fine for them to say 'no' - that you really want them to be straight with you and tell you if its too difficult/complicated for them. And it wouldn't be for very long, just till your Mum arrives.

My BF had a very similar situation to you, and she did that...had a list of people, not just one: that way people felt less pressured (if they were in dire straights there were other options) and she felt safer knowing there were fall-back options. In the event, it was daytime and her mother was able to take her dd - but its sooo important to feel you have all bases covered!

[KathyDCLXVI]

Eliboo - I like that approach very much indeed - as you say, less pressure for each person if they know there are other possibilities.

[spinamum]

I've being pondering on the same issue myself.(Lucky me. Eliboo is on my antenatal thread) I think I'm going with the list idea.

Good luck Kathy.

Now just need to start approaching some friends/neighbours!!

[jasnDISMemBERED]

I didn't plan anything as I was having a gomebirth, with dp amd friend in attendance, but had to go to hospital, and asked neighbour to look after dd1 (15 months at the time) until my friend/parents got there to take over.

People will offer...take them up as short term care.

[EliBoo]

Spina.

[franca70]

you'll find that people will be happy to help you, I did it for a friend and I was really happy to help, there are so many things to stress about before labour!

[KathyDCLXVI]

Just an update.... our nursery worker was babysitting last night and she raised the subject herself and offered to help out, even if it's the middle of the night etc! We would of course pay her but she didn't even seem to expect it, which is great as it means I don't feel bad at all about her helping out if we do pay her, IYSWIM. We will also talk to neighbour & brother too though.

Good luck to everyone else in this situation - I hope you all sort something out.

[Hattie05]

Do you know for sure that the hospital wouldn't allow your dd there? i only ask because every discovery health birth i watch seems to have siblings involved (admittedly many are American).

[Skribble]

If all else fails and they have space in the childrens ward they will put LO's there. Shipping LO off to mum at first sign of labour might be best.

[NatalieJane]

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to add to it.

We have a 4 year old son, I am 35 weeks and have been to see the midwife today to get booked in for a home birth, purely on the basis of child care. My MIL who lives about 40 minutes away, had agreed to look after DS for us at our house, but it has since come about that she doesn't want to now (very with her!) my mum has offered to come and stay, she lives 4-5 hours away, but I have been threatening labour now for nearly 2 weeks, but of course we could still be here very pregnant at 42 weeks which would be mid-December, so she can't be here any where near that long. Our next door neighbours have offered to come and sit with DS if needed, but firstly he doesn't know them that well and wouldn't be happy with them I don't think, and secondly, they are an old retired couple who 2/3 times a month go for weekend or midweek breaks, so the chances are they won't be here anyway!

We had a choice, either I was to go to the hospital alone (DH staying with DS at home) which none of us wanted, or I have to go the home birth route, which I am not looking forward to one little bit! I have already done the whole natural birth thing, didn't fancy it again and had said I wanted an epidural as early as possible!!

Anyway, just wanted you to know you aren't the only ones in this situation, not that that helps practically or anything! I hope you get something sorted

[KathyDCLXVI]

Hattie - no, I don't know for sure they won't allow dd - I am just assuming. Interesting what you say - I will look into it.
Skribble - thanks; that hadn't occurred to me either.

Natalie Jane - yes, I sympathise - it's the whole distance/timing thing, isn't it? If it was predictable it would be so much easier!

I will def be getting my mother up here at the first sign of anything happening, but with her not driving at night and the days being so short there is only really a window of a few hours (8am-1pm) when she can set off. Hopefully I'll have a show a day or two in advance!

I originally wanted to have a home birth the first time round but it didn't look practical for various reasons - not least because we're quite a way from the hospital (30 mins minimum, but could be 45 when the traffic's bad) but as I had quite a difficult labour (dd was back-to-back and I ended up having an epidural) I'm not really considering it this time. Also the majority of the people I know who have tried to have home births (eg my SIL 3 times!) have ended up being rushed to hospital (which may not have been necessary but they do like to play safe, which is fair enough) so you would still be left with the emergency childcare situation.

Anyway hopefully it should be ok now our nice nursery worker has volunteered... between her, my mother and my neighbour we ought to be able to sort something out!
Thanks everyone for such helpful comments.