How do we decide how and where to have our baby? Please help

[Shorty35]

Hi, I am just shy of 12 weeks pregnant with our first baby.
After five years of several failures with IVF treatment, we have ended up using donors for both egg and sperm and are incredibly excited that at last we can perhaps begin to celebrate and look forward to beginning our family.
The whole process has been incredibly hard and we were treated incredibly badly by the nhs which forced us into the private sector for treatment.
We have used pretty much every penny we have to get to this point, which we wouldn't change for the world but now we need help deciding where to go from here.
I had my first antenatal appointment on the nhs and the midwife I saw had no understanding or former experience of our situation and continually asked us questions that were irrelevant, making us feel less that trustworthy again in the nhs.
We have been looking into the Kensington Wing and C&W and have an appointment booked with Mina - OB - but then 8 read about midwife led care and how fantastic the experience was with them rather than with the additional consultant. It shouldn't be about money but we do need to think of this side and if midwife led care is as good a people on here have said it is, then should we try and do that as it will save us a few £££££'s in the long run?
I am absolutely petrified of the whole thing and terrified that something else is going to go wrong, I haven't slept for several nights now and I feel the panic can't be good for either me or the baby.
Can anyone out there help shed some light for us?
Thanks so much

[MabelSideswipe]

I can't help with private maternity care but I work in the field of birth (don't want to be too specific) and I would very much recommended some work with a birth hypnotherapist. You sound very anxious and stressed which does not help with making decisions and is no good fit your health or your baby. My personal recommendation is Natal Hypnotherapy but any birth hypnotherapy practitioner that you gell with could do you a lot of good at thus stage.

[ATombWithoutAFoof]

When you say irrelevant questions, do you mean genetic ones? Otherwise, isn't the giving birth bit the same regardless of how your baby was conceived? Sorry if I've got that wrong.

[tywysogesgymraeg]

I don't really have an opinion about where you should give birth, but I do advise you to be aware of being "caught short", and for you not to be where you thought you'd be on the day you go in to labour, and so not to be too hung up about where you are.

I also feel you're being a bit harsh on the NHS. It's not the fault of the NHS that your midwife had no understanding or former experience of your situation. It is a fairly unusual one you know. Instead of critiscising, take the time to help the midwife understand, and therefore be able to support the next person more appropriately.

I think we all think that some of the questions we get asked by health professionals are irrelevant, but they have processes and procedures to follow. Goodness knows, they've been criticised often enough for not having or following process, and therefore missing out important information. I'd prefer to be asked an irrelevant question, rather than no questions at all.

Having said all that, I can understand you'll be feeling stressed about having a normal pregnancy from now on. I'm sure it will all go well, wherever you end up. x

[Shorty35]

Mabel, thank you so much for the recommendation. I am going to look into this immediately, it sounds like a really good idea.

Atombwithoutafoof , yes, genetic questions plus others that made us feel judged and uncomfortable, am not going to go into too much detail but the last 11 weeks have been very traumatic and we have almost lost our baby on 3 occasions, having to change from the clinic I have been treated at where their understanding was great (they don't treat further than 12 weeks) to somewhere where we have to start all over again is daunting enough but the midwife actually told me that she didn't want to see the notes, scans or results from my previous place of treatment which made us feel very uneasy. We have been told throughout that the hospital would need to see everything so it has confused us greatly. We tried to explain and help her understand the situation but she did not seem very interested. I know how busy they are though and I am sure it was nothing personal in any way.

Thanks again for answering, hopefully we'll make a decision in the next few days.

[ATombWithoutAFoof]

Is the midwife you saw going to be looking after your care, or is that you're likely to see a different person every time?

What has happened on the three occasions that you've nearly miscarried?

You do sound exceptionally anxious, although I can absolutely see why, given the long road you've been on to conceive. I found that I pretty much saw the same community midwife through my pregnancy (at the GP and in the final stages at my home), but it was luck of the draw on the day of the birth. Perhaps you could find out whether once you're in the system with your GP, you'll see the same person, and then take a measure of it once you've met him or her?

[CatsCantFlyFast]

Midwives do have a standard set of questions they have to ask I'm afraid

Have you looked at all of the options in your area? There may be a nhs birthing centre that is an option

It's quite common that private notes/scans are ignored...(ours were) as the nhs has to gather their own information and can not 'trust' somebody they don't employ if you see what I mean.

I can understand why you are concerned, especially with what it has taken to get this far, however midwives see hundreds of pregnant ladies, and many have been through a similar journey. It's business as usual for them.

I think the hypnotherapy is a good idea. I wouldn't personally make any decisions just yet. Why not have your next set of appointments with the nhs and see how you feel? You could always supplement your care with a doula or private midwife for your pregnancy care (to help relieve your anxiety), without committing to a private hospital for labour at this stage.

[Funkyfairy2004]

I was booked in by a midwife at the hospital then had a different midwife who has taken care if me since. She is fabulous, I have no worries about the quality of midwife care in my area and all aspects have been great, in fact the further along we have been the more supportive they have been (I'm currently 4 days over due). I would say that being open about your feelings and expectations helps them to understand your situation and then they can help more!
My personal opinion is that midwives are birth experts and I trust them.
Good luck.

[Sonoma]

I had one baby at the Kensington wing under the midwives and two other babies under a consultant. If you are giving birth there and for the first time, I would advise to be under a consultant. The midwifery care was perfectly good and I had a good delivery (admittedly a while ago - back then I don't think they even offered midwife led care to IVF ladies)but it is similar to the NHS just without the staff shortages and nicer rooms! If things do not go completely to plan they will haul in the on call doctors (who may be more junior) you won't know them, and you are reliant on that advice but with a bill at the end. Under a consultant obstetrician you see the same person throughout your pregnancy, be on call for any issues, and usually he/she will deliver you too (although the midwives will support you in earlier labour.) It is first class. There are some fantastic female obstetricians there if you would feel more comfortable with that.

[Shorty35]

Thank you all so so much. You have been really honest and reassuring in different ways.
We have booked an appointment with an obstetrician and have also spoken with the Kensington wing who believe I am high risk so I would probably be placed under OB care on the nhs but we will wait and talk to the OB and then go from there.
Thank you all again.

[Sonoma]

Very best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery Shorty.