School refusal 15 year old son

[Worrier1]

I know there are lots of similar threads but didn't want to put a negative slant on someone else's problems!
Been struggling for almost a year now. Son has been struggling going to school, managing week or so at a time, then being off. Parents evening last term showed he was doing well even though he was hardly ever there and that he was still on track for good gcse results (will sit gcses next year). He has always been popular; bright academically & great at sport. I think the pressure just became too much. He is anxious about everything but could always be life and soul of the party with his friends regardless of whether he was at school (he would manage maybe 1 day of the week to ensure he could party all weekend). So that side of life he was managing to hold together.
This week he hasn't left his room. We had to have a meeting at school to be informed it will now involve local authority (school have genuinely bent over backwards). I have asked the Gp for a Camhs referral. We have tried 3 counsellors (first ended when he just said what they wanted to hear he said); second was for cbt but he only went once: third he refused to speak to. He refuses to get any help and just says his head and life are just too messed up. I am literally on my knees with this and the impact on the family is horrendous. His anger is awful and I know it's frustration but we are too and he refuses to even try. I just can't bear it anymore because I don't know how all this will end. The last time he was out his phone ran out of charge so I couldn't reach him and was convinced he had finally had enough.
How do people get through this??!! It's so devastating because at this age there is so much to look forward to. I feel selfish for feeling so upset about it all when it's him who is going through it. I have attended every mental health seminar; charity; health professional and I can't do anything unless he will help himself.
He also refuses to do any school work so no idea what we are going to do.

[felttippens]

Just seen your post and wanted to say I'm sorry your going through this too I know just what your going through.
My daughter is also struggling - depressed anxious self harming and refusing school

We are being seen by camhs weekly and today dd saw a psychiatrist that wants to put her on Prozac.

[anthropology]

sorry. my advice is think of it as any other illness. He needs expert help. if counsellors were not specialist teen psychologists or psychiatrists, push hard for camhs support now, if you think he might harm himself, make sure they are fully aware of the seriousness and ask for emergency camhs phone numbers. My dd struggled to engage, but partly I think its because they dont know what to say and why they feel as bad as they do. think of it that he Cant engage, rather than won't (and if he doesnt like the therapist its hard). Sometimes fear comes out as anger and its true, we as parents really dont understand so they are shocked and isolated . Are there any older relatives or friends who went through this, who can talk to him and try to give him some hope it gets better. Try to get camhs to sign him off school and remove that pressure - it may take some time, and as my DD was really unwell, she went back a whole year but whatever the LEA says, they can catch up. It seems awful at the time, but you realise lots of teens take time out of school and she is now at uni - but it helped to change schools and start afresh. He is still very young, and the important thing as you say is that he accept help and learn the strategies to cope with his feelings.... I'm not saying i handled things well at first , but learnt that being calm and consistent is best, and that when well, my DD was herself again, and that although so much changed, I'm prouder of her than ever, as her journey was tougher than most. Take things day by day, look after yourself (maybe ask for CBT so you have a place to be upset as its so upsetting). Remember his strengths and remind him you love him, and if he's not at school try to help him structure time with activities he enjoys if he will do things. Its probably hard for him to talk so doing things together is better while you both search for the right help. Young minds have a callback service and some useful thoughts www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/parents_guide. good luck.

[anthropology]

btw, you are doing a great job by supporting him. He is the one struggling, but as a family you are all going through it, so don't feel you are being selfish for being upset.

[Worrier1]

I am so very grateful for your supportive words. So good to hear someone who has been through it and come out the other side. It's so very isolating. He now hasn't been to school for almost 5 weeks consistently. Camhs referral is done and we have a meeting with the lea after half term. He refuses all help and is pretty hideous to be around. I am at work most of the time which is hugely unhelpful but cannot afford to take time off.

[Baileymum45]

Hi all, I can relate to all above. I gave set up a Facebook page called school refusers support group, it is a closed group so members only can see posts but it's an easy way for us all to give support and have a moan to people who understand. Most members children seem to have a degree if depression and behaviour issues, please come and join us if you wish

Worrier1 your post sounds exactly like my life at the moment! Please message me or join fb group if I can support x

[Baileymum45]

Ignore my spellings I am blaming lack of sleep and predictive text!!

[Worrier1]

Much appreciated.
I have relentlessly chased things up & we now are about to have a key worker allocated from Social Services; have education support & appointment with psychologist from Camhs next week.
Since I last posted, we had to call the police as he became so aggressive (I know the anxiety is to blame). Everything started moving a bit quicker after this. Local authority education for children unable to attend school due to illness, are liasing with school to get work to catch up. Sadly now the aim is to achieve minimum gcses, which my son is horrified with! He hasn't actually done any work this year but wants to sit all his gcses. Managed 10 minutes of reading Chemistry today, so this is a good day.
It is so frustrating it has taken so long to get where we are now. This is only the beginning and I just pray he will get through it.