so can you be a sandwicher even if miles away from them?

[UnquietDad]

Just wondered, really. DW and I are 200 miles from my ageing parents. Other siblings are even further away. My father had a sudden illness recently and we thought he was getting better - now it appears the hospital aren't happy and they are making mutterings about nursing homes. It seems they can do no more. Basically they're saying, he's taking up a hospital bed, let's talk about getting him outta here.

All this has been a major shock to my mother, and although we've visited twice since it happened, it's not ideal providing support over the phone......

I imagine this is why people never move away from their parents. Or move back closer to them.

I know naff-all about nursing homes. if someone can fill me in I'd be really grateful. How do you choose a good one? are they just places people are sent to vegetate or can they be pleasant places? Is it like choosing a school, where everyone wants the best ones and you get the dross if you sign up late? Are there private ones and state ones? How much do they cost, and how do they decide how much you pay? How much independence do people get in them? Is it likely that, as my parents worked all their lives they'd be expected to pay for it in full?

Am totally clueless. Talk to me like an idiot please.

[readysalted]

Hi Unquiet sorry to here about your situation go on csci website and read the homes report it has a scoring system 4 for excellent 0 for pants this might help it might be residential care for your dad hospitals tend to always say nursing care your dads fees might be covered by a combination of state pension and work pension and some care allowance local auth usually will help and might aggree to recover there imput after the death of your parents from the sale of the estate it must be daunting to have to start this why dont you get in touch with age concern for a bit of help and support for you and your mum

[fridayschild]

we had an excellent carer for my DH's dad; she came in three times a week, and a "gardener" came in the other 2 days and then the 3 sons took it in turns to come at weekends. We were all closer tho, about 120 - 170 miles away, and of the 3 kids we were the only ones to have young children. Absolutely knackering.. but might be worth bearing in mind if you/ your dad don't like the look of the nursing homes

[Lilymaid]

My father has to care for my mother (both mid-80s). He gets a carer in every morning and could have someone in the evening. He has to pay (presumably as it is arranged through the council this would be means tested). Nursing homes are extremely expensive (£20k per year?) and so are a last resort. Has he had some kind of assessment as yet?

[PeachyClair]

I've worked in several nursing homes when I wasa at college. Ther eality is that some were bloody awful. But some were gorgeous palces where I would be happy to send my aprents.

The key is to visit several times imo, at different times of the day- are the residents eating decent meals (eating, not just served); are they all up in the morning or are some just left until last; are they allowed their own clothes (huge thing fior the residents), is there a nominated activities co-ordinator?

[RustyBear]

We were just starting this process for my FIL last autumn, but sadly he died. I'm not sure how far DH had got with finding out stuff, but I'll ask him when he gets home - he's at MIL's at the moment - 200 miles away & it looks like we'll be going through the whole thing again with her before long. I think that if he has nursing needs you may get some allowance towards that & you can claim attendance allowance (&40-80 pw) which takes another bit off, but I think we were still looking at £4-500 a week, and if you have any savings you have to find the rest.

[RustyBear]

This site might be of some help concerning aloowances etc.

[UnquietDad]

Thanks everyone!
I put the request elsewhere too and have had a good response.