DD very unhappy. Not sure how to help.

[hellymelly]

Background- dd is now 9, year 4. In year 1, when she was 5 she had a very rough time at school, terrified of her new teacher, and then bullied by another child in the class. She was in such a state she had ed-psych assessments etc ( we only new about the bullying after she had left the school). Was "diagnosed" with high anxiety in the end, but we pulled her out of school, as even though the head was fantastic, she was in too much of a state to stay. Home-ed for the rest of that year (she had done less than a term in the class). And then she started a new school in year 2, with her smaller sister starting in reception.
She has been happy at the new school until recently. She had a few friends of both sexes, and since settling in her general anxiety has been much less, although she is still more of an anxious child than prior to the ghastly time in year 1.
Anyway, over the last couple of months she has been getting more unhappy, she's had mild unkindness from other girls in the class (name calling type of stuff) and sometimes the children she plays with have refused to let her join in with games. As far as I can work out, a month the most popular girl in the class and dd were playing together, dds closer friend Susie wanted to join in, but popular girl said no. So dd stuck up for Susie and said she would go and play with her instead. Since then popular girl has been excluding dd a lot, which wouldn't be a problem, except now Susie plays with polular girl, and so does dds other main friend to play with. So they all leave dd out and refuse to let her join games. The closest boy friend she has is a sweet little boy, but his boy friends tease him if he plays with dd and they won't play with her at all, because she is a girl. Dds other favourite friend is in the year above but she has left the class for a while, possibly permanently, due to bullying.
Sorry this is so long, not much more! So dd has no one to play with, is getting called names far more often, is told she is "weird" and is getting more and more unhappy and anxious. I think she is getting more needy and trying to be more assertive with the girls which probably makes her seem bossy, but she also feels it is all her fault. Her teacher found her crying and dd told her that it was her own fault and that she had been annoying the other girl, so the teacher suggested she apologised. This just confirmed to dd that it was her fault solely. We have talked to the teacher who had a general chat with the class but things are worse not better, so we have another meeting tomorrow. Any words of wisdom? Dd has good friends out of school but she is getting more insecure about them. She was flagged as "gifted" in her old school, and that actually doesn't help, as she has a quick mind, with lots of ideas, she gets bored quickly, she is good academically across the board, and that seems to make her less liked rather than more.
I should add that although she is super bright she isn't all that confident, and she is also an extremely kind and sensitive girl -she worries about others being left out. She left her game with a friend to play with a year 2 friend off dd2s, as dd2 was ill and the other child was a bit lonely. dds playmates wouldn't let him join in as they said he was too little and annoying, so dd left to play with him as she felt so sorry for him. So she is a nice friend to have, but no one wants her. .

[hellymelly]

I did put gaps between my paragraphs, but they have disappeared, sorry it is so long.

[GooseyLoosey]

Difficult, as you can't keep moving her everytime a problem arises.

Have you been in and spoken to the school? Ds was often excluded by the other children, particularly the alpha male child. I spoke to the school and the head had all the boys in the class in to talk to them about their group dynamic and she did this for quite a while.

Ds is also bright and was perceived as weird by the rest of the class. He too was assessed by ed pysch as a result. The ed pysch said part of the problem was that ds just did not understand the motivations of his peers and they did not understand him. We worked a lot on the behaviours he had that we thought other children would think were odd. Again, this had some success.

The ed pysch's main recommendation was to put ds in the most academically selective school we could find. We eventually did this in Yr 4 and I have to say, he has been much happier as a result. He is still a bit odd but, so are other children at his school.

[hellymelly]

And I've just re-read and there are umpteen typos aargh. Was distracted by puppy while typing.

[hellymelly]

Thank you goosey. I so wish we had that option. As I think that her differences are part of the problem sadly. I feel she really would be happier in a very academic school. She is just like a friends older ds and he has shone since going to a very selective private school with lots of other uber bright boys. We live in a remote rural area and it is smallish standard village schools or nothing. DD is saying she would think about a new school, there is a larger one in the nearest small town which might mean a bigger friendship pool, but it would mean moving both children. Dd2 has the same problems at times but it has never been such an issue. She keeps her head down more than dd1 who is naturally very sunny, bouncy and outgoing. A new school might be just the same anyway. When she had the initial EP meetings the EP was shocked at how far ahead she was verbally, and said, as you have about your ds, that she was baffled by her peers and they by her, as she had the vocabulary of a 12 year old. This was less of an issue for a while in her new school as it is completely welsh language and we are an english speaking family, but now she is pretty confident in welsh. The hardest bit is that she is very sociable, she hates to play alone and is happiest with other children, so she is terribly upset when she is excluded. The only things she enjoys at the moment are her out-of-school drama class (lots of older children who she likes) and some school lessons. But she is coming out of school in tears and having bad dreams etc.

[GooseyLoosey]

I know it won't help the immediate problem, but could you consider scholarship/bursary entry for Yr 7? If she knows there is a way out, it might help her immediate anxiety.

She sounds a lot like ds who could do A level maths at 8 and was assessed as 7 years ahead of his peers in literacy in Yr 2. He so wanted to play with them but they just did not get him and he in turn had no idea what to say to them to get along.

As I say, we did spend a lot of time with him decoding other people and working through how he could have played different social scenarios to get the outcome he wanted or expected.

[hellymelly]

The secondary school here seems pretty academic and is large as it covers a wide area, so she might find she has more of a pool of potential friends there anyway. I don't think boarding would be right for her, and we would have to completely relocate for her to be near a private school. Relocaction ,although something we do discuss, would be tricky as I have an elderly frail Mum to factor in too. I don't think she is anywhere near as brilliant as your ds, but she is doing year six maths and finding it too easy and boring, (I think with a tutor she could be doing around year 9 maths). Although she has fallen behind generally i think, as after school she is tired out and the school are pretty hopeless at dealing with the brighter children (this came out in the school's report, it isn't just my opinion). She could add up 3 figure numbers very quickly in her head at 5, that sort of thing, she likes playing with numbers and does percentages in her head for fun at bedtime. She is nowhere near being able to do A level maths though! It is hard to talk to friends about her brightness as it is easy to sound boasty, whereas in reality it has caused her more stress and anxiety than happiness so far and it is difficult to handle. She started talking at 6m, and could talk in short sentences at 12m, so she was perhaps too aware of adult converstations when she was too small to put them into context. She notices everything, and that can make her anxious. She doesn't understand some of the sillier things that are normal for her age, even though I can see she tries to be more like her peers since being at this school. She has a good sense of humour, is kind and generous, good at running and climbing, enjoys choir and drama, so is a decent all rounder . It seems so sad that she is spending her school days frustrated , hurt and rather lonely.