how did you explain your feeding choices to your mum/mil?

[Caz10]

i'm currently bf-ding dd who is 4mths. we had a rocky start but we're getting there, and i fully intend to carry on for as long as we can, i'd love to still be feeding at a year, but i am going back to work soon with no opportunity to express so don't know how my supply will be.

anyway...i'm a bit upset at some of the things my mum and mil have said - they are reasonably supportive and i know people on here have had much worse - but they keep talking about getting bottles/formula in for "after", my mum reckons she'd be sleeping through on formula, etc etc. all the usual stuff, nothing hurtful but i just feel a bit like they can't see why on earth i'm doing it. my mum's jaw dropped when i said 12mths and i even heard little britain mentioned, not in a nasty way but even so. they are both lovely, and i know it is just a generational thing, dh and i were 1970s formula babies.

i'm not an assertive person, and not the type to be strident and bolshy about my choices. i'm just fed up being treated like i'm doing something stupid and unneccessary. does anyone have any advice on what to say to them?

thank you.

[137wallis]

ah mine are the same,and with my last ds were disgusted that i fed him until he was 20 months, and my current baby is 10 months and were still going strong dispite
pressure advise that he would sleep better with a bottle! I told them that the world health authority advise feeding until at least 2, and that they had research to support this, and that has almost shut them up!
good luck, you are doing the right thing for you and your child if your happy to carry on

[AbbeyA]

Just smile sweetly, say nothing and carry on!

[Ceolas]

My mum said the WHO recommendation was "wholly unneccessary" today!

I don't feel the need to explain/justify my choice to her, but you'd think she'd have figured out my stance by my 4th!

[pelafina]

Message withdrawn

[137wallis]

Mine said the same thing about WHO, but funnily has since been abit less vocal in her objections!

[ally90]

A breezy "well we all do things a different way don't we, imagine some people nowadays think bf a bad thing...and with all that evidence to back it up! Imagine that...' and if they are anything like people I know they will sit and nod away (not wanting to be some people)

As for supply, it drops to meet demand...from 10 to 18 mths I fed dd up to twice a day (more if ill) and then from 18 mths till she started biting persistantly till 22 mths...

And my niece has mentioned little britain too me...I laughed along then wondered why I did .

I'm guessing if you asked them directly about it they would deny saying anything negative?

[ally90]

then ONCE a day...

[Reesie]

My mum thought I was mad to breastfeed - it would be much easier to bottlefed. My baby would have slept through much earlier and I could have had a break. Lovely advice when I'm battling through breastfeeding when I've just had a breast abcess and not more that 2 hours sleep in 4 months...... She thought I was a bit strange to still be BF at 14 months. She even said - 'I think it's about time you stopped now!'

MIL hates BF - she would never look at me when I fed DD infront of me. She didn't mean it nastily - she just couldn't bring herself to do it incase she saw a breast/nipple.......oh dear......

However, my 92 great grandmother in law was fab - she kept loudly proclaiming how marvellous that my DD was being fed normally and how lovely breastfeeding was! Bless!

[MaeWest]

I just don't really discuss it with my mum now. DS is 20 months and she bf for around 6-9 months each time, so thinks that I've gone on for far too long. Thankfully she doesn't (often) comment. I do remember an awkward phase around 9 months when she seemed to think that DS should be eating more and having less bf and I felt a little inhibited about feeding him in front of her, which is a little sad. She was v supportive earlier on, I think she genuinely feels that 'extended' bf is unecessary - product of her generation and all that...

[gagarin]

Just tell her you don't intend to bottle feed at all - straight to a cup at 8 months is what my two did....

[crace]

I fed dd until she was 25 months, imagine those comments I refused to discuss it, any comments were just replied with that she was getting the absolute best thing for her and we were going to give up when she was ready. And I changed the subject. Once it was up for discussion people would try to talk me out of it (like it's their business?!).

All in all those 25 months were horrendously wonderful, and I look forward to doing it again!

[Olihan]

I had a lot of comments from my mum about how long I was feeding ds2 for. She only fed me for 7 months so I was getting remarks from fairly early on.

Gems such as 'it's not right to be feeding them when they start walking and talking because they're not babies any more', 'It's very awkward when the start asking for breastfeeds' (I have no idea how she could possibly know that, but there you go) and several others which I have blanked out of my mind. Considering she knows how devastated I was to only be ablle to feed Ds1 and Dd for a month each, you'd think she'd bite her tongue. Unfortunately that's not her way.

As he got to 12mo she started to ask when I was stopping. I told her we would stop when we were both ready. I didn't justify any more than that although I did have lots of facts from the Kellymom site to throw at her if she carried on.

Ds2 is now 15mo, still bfing and, thanks to an article in the Telegraph , my mum nw thinks it's okay because 'the Telegraph says it's very beneficial to bf up to 2yo'.

I had to bite my lip very hard not to start ranting.

Not sure what the point of this post is, other than to show you that you are not alone and to get that lot off my chest .

[sparklyshoos]

firstly, CONGRATULATIONS!!! for doing so well, to have come so far when it's not been easy is brilliant.

My mum didn't understand why i was BF, altho she didn't actually come out and say so, but everytime I saw her she'd say "how long are you going to do it for?" - I think now she's secretly proud of me, altho she'd never come out and say it. There's a list somewhere, which somebody on here posted about all the benefits of BF, month by month all the goodness you're doing for your baby. I'll see if I can find it, or somebody might be along who knows of it, but it's really good stuff you can quote to your mum and MIL, I used to drop things into conversation casually every so often. Although I still remember the day my mum proudly showed me an article in one of her magazines that claimed BF babies were more likely to be overweight - disputing all the known research about them being better able to regulate their own food intake from an early age and being healthier. (I'm a bit pleased that DS is slightly under 50th centile still , so I can say, ah look BF for a year and he's not at all overweight!)

[AliciaJohns]

I'm sure it's well meant. Both my parents were telling me the other day that I should bottle feed when #2 is born as I apparently won't have time to bf and look after a toddler at the same time. My mum also told me I should bottle feed ds when I was struggling with bf at the beginning - fortunately I ignored her. I think this stemmed from guilt that she didn't bf me and my siblings for longer (only a few months in all cases).

You have to learn to politely ignore quite a lot of advice when you are a parent ime!

[verylittlecarrot]

My mum has been great, and I can see how hard she's worked to overcome some of her 1970 formula hangups. She's been brilliantly supportive, even thoughI suspect her instincts are "I'm not at all used to the way you are choosing to do things"

At one point I remember asking her if she would drink horse milk or dog milk. As she recoiled in horror, we talked about how cow's milk seems "normal" because she's used to it, but logically it makes no real sense to prefer it over another species. Just because something is familiar, doesn't make it "better" or more appropriate. Cows feed their calves cow's milk until they wean, horses feed their foals horse milk until they wean, and mums can feed their babies mum's milk until they wean, if they wish. A calf wouldn't thrive / sleep better / be more socially accepted on horse milk as well as it would on it's mums milk.

Babycarrot had a short tummy upset a couple of days ago, when she violently upchucked some yoghurt. It warmed the cockles of my heart to hear my mum and dh telling me to just give her my milk, as it was the only thing she could keep down, and kept her nicely hydrated. Dairy was clearly a problem whilst she felt dodgy, so I think it really hit home how much better suited to the job mum's milk is than anything else at that time.

[sparklyshoos]

oh, and I worked out I saved over £600 in the year, not having to buy formula, sanitary products, no alcohol etc.!

here is one of the threads that gives a couple of links to good reasons to BF
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1364/5336?pg=1

[sparklyshoos]

Kellymom is fab if you haven't already found it and they have a link here to responses to negative comments about breastfeeding as well as links to benefits if you have a search around.

[MrsBumblebee]

Nod and smile, nod and smile...

It's worth remembering that they've probably got what they think are your best interests at heart - my mum was quite unsupportive of my bf'ing, but only because she could see I was going through hell. So they're probably trying to be nice, even though it's really unhelpful for you.

Personally, I now try to avoid justifying any of my decisions, because TBH it can come back to bite you. I remember giving a long sermon about my plans to BLW, and then when it completely didn't work out for us, I felt like a bit of an idiot. Not saying your justifications aren't entirely sound in the case of bf'ing, but nowadays I just find it easier to do what I think is best without getting into a debate about it!

[Caz10]

thank you all, glad i'm not alone in this! great links thank you.

my mum discounted the WHO recommendations too, by saying "well i suppose if you're in the netherlands or somewhere..." WTF?!!

we will get there! it doesn't help that dd is tiny, on the 0.4th centile, ff-ing would obviously fatten her up more effectively too!