Battle with my mum over weaning (BLW) and breast feeding (long!)

[Bumperlicious]

orry to combine topics but this is all interlinked!

DD is 17 weeks now, and I expected this conversation to happen fairly soon but it is still bothering me and I need advice.

DD has started waking early in the morning again (a combination of her age I think and the fact that we are putting her to bed earlier and no longer waking her for a feed at 10.30). My mum insists that I should give her baby rice. She tells me that this will guarantee that she goes though the night. I don't want to, though I can't really explain why.

I also want to do baby led weaning. This didn't go down well with my mum. She seems to think that breast milk is not going to sustain her till 6 months, also that babies need purees to learn to chew.

Of course her babies never went through a funny stage (of fussy feeding and waking more frequently) at 4 months. And we were weaned at 4 months so it's ok, no baby ever came to any harm by being weaned at 4 months.

On a slight tangent to this topic (I might post this in breast and bottle feeding too) my mum (who doesn't agree with me bfing and tells me at every opportunity to put DD on formula) thinks that if I give DD formula she will also go through the night, and won't be fussy, and I am "making a rod for me own back" by demand feeding dd. DD need to be able to detatch from me, and babies "like a routine"

Sorry this is so long, in a nutshell, what I want to know is:

1. Reasons that I can give my mum why I don't want to give DD baby rice (the fact that it is my choice is not good enough)
   
   
2. Good reasons to pursue BLW, that my mum will appreciate
   
   
3. that if I put DD on formula/baby rice she won't necessarily "go through the night" (until recently she slept 11-7, and now sleeping 9-5ish, which I think is not bad for 4 months)
   
   
4. that I am doing the right thing by demand feeding DD still
   
   
5. that 4 months is commonly acknowledged to be a growth spurt/fussy stage
   
   TBH, me and DH agree that it is our choice, and it is none of my mum's business, but she is taking it very personally that I am not doing things her way, so I need a defense (I'm so sick of having to defend my decisions!). Please help!

[WeaselMum]

Have you got a supportive health visitor? Can you organise a visit from the hv which coincides with a visit from your mum where the hv talks you through the up to date guidelines for weaning? I do sympathise, it is very irritating when others make you have to defend your decisions. Tbh she probably feels just as irritated as she raised her babies a different way and maybe feels a bit insulted that you think it isn't good enough - I'm sure lots of grandmothers feel like that!

Do you see her very often? Could you get away with smiling and nodding and telling her you've done it her way but just carry on doing what you're doing?

[CorrieDale]

Well she's right in that babies do like a routine though why that can't involve feeding on demand, I don't know!

4 months is indeed a very tricky time and frankly, if your baby is sleeping from 9 to 5ish, that's not 'not bad' it's bloody brilliant! I think DD is a good sleeper and she doesn't do anything like that!

BLW babies learn how to eat things like sandwiches a lot quicker which means that she'll have something to brag about to her friends ("oh yes, DGD can feed herself vegetables, but then she's very forward for her age..." etc)

Baby rice tastes shit. Ask her: would you eat it yourself?Why would you want your GDG to eat something that tastes so horrible?

But generally speaking, I don't think you're going to be able to convince your mum until after the event - and possibly not even then. We did all that with DS and my mum was adamant he was starving and would sleep through once on solids. Even though he took to BLW really well and is now a great little eater, she'll still feel nervous when DD starts in January.

Try explaining to her that she did things with you her way, and you turned out OK, so she can trust you now to look after her GDG properly. Otherwise, it's NOHB!

[LilBloodRedWantsGore]

1. It tastes vile - would she eat it?
   
   
2. Ask your Mum what age she gave finger foods? Odds on she'll say, "About six months". Look pointedly at her and wait for the penny to drop.
   
   
3. She's sleeping fine as it is, any change in her routine may disturb this pattern.
   
   
4. You are happy, DD is happy.
   
   
5. Four month olds are hard work! Definitely - you can quote me on that!
   
   Have a look at Aitch's site - www.babyledweaning.com - it helped me loads with the questions and doubting relatives.
   
   Good luck and stick by your guns - this is your baby, not your mum's! But also remember, she's only trying to help (trying being the operative word ).

[meandmy]

1, you because you want to keep bf up, or your hv said your not to!
2, sorry not sure
3, my dd had baby rice formula rusks at 6weeks she still didnt sleep through
4, yes unless you want to stop bf you will have noticed more of a pattern with her demands
5, yes at 4 months i couldnt put my dd down if i wanted some quiet time

ask her what she would have done if her mom would have told her how to bring you up,

sorry not too much help my mom interferes i tell her its my dd! and my mil doesnt interfere

[LilBloodRedWantsGore]

Ooo - the NHS recommend it too! Maybe, she'll trust their opinion more than a bunch of random women.

[lulu25]

2. because in a couple of months' time she will be able to boast to all the other grannies about how her granddaughter sits up at the table with everyone else and feeds herself, and how very grown up and sociable she is. i took ds (9 months) out for lunch with both grannies a couple of weeks ago and you should have seen the pride as he tucked into a whole banana while we perused menus.

[WriggleJiggle]

1. Let her taste some - its disgusting. Try printing off some WHO guidelines about b/f being best or pick up some leaflets and have them lying around the house when she next visits. I told my PIL that early weaning was linked to an increase in developing allergies as they seemed to accept that. DO mention that someone in authority (doc or HV) has told you not to.
   
   
2. Don't try and defend this one, just do it, she will be delighted her gd is so 'advanced' for her age and will brag about it to others.
   
   
3. 9pm til 5am grrrrrr !
   
   
4. You know demand feeding is right. If dd regularly has certain feeds tell her that she does have a routine, but because you are such a capable mother, in tune with your baby, you go with the flow.
   
   Good luck, what you are doing sounds fab. Don't change it.

[peskipixie]

next time she says something sigh deeply and say 'oh mother, you are turning into one of those mils' then raise your eye brows. hopefully she will think you are being jokey enough to not be horribly offended but serious enough to shut up! if she doesnt listen now its likely she wont listen when you have the full force of the nhs/who advice behind you. sometimes you have to be blunt. or lie like someone else said

[sherazade]

this is what i told my mum, fought the same battle as you, my mum weaned all five of us before 12 months on cereal and thought i'd do the same, this blw was a shock to her system i tell you. now dd is 9 months old and my mum , i think, is secretly PLEASED at how she feeds herself!

1. talk about increased risk of allergies in starting foods before 6 months, and also how this can interfere with the nutritional value of your breastmilk, can also make bfed babies slightly anaemic as it makes the iron in your breastmilk less accessible to them - this scared my mum a bit!
   
   
2. tell her that your lo doesnt like being fed off a spoon , lie if you have to! lol, many bfed babies arent used to having plastic in their mouths anyway, it also helps your lo to regulate her own feeding just like she did when she was bfeeding. and leads to less fusiness about food later on, gives a healthy attitudue towards food.
   
   3)tell her you don't WANT you lo to go through the night as those night feeds are rich in calories and goodness and keep your supply going brilliantly.
   
   
3. feeding on demand works for both of you and allows you to be flexible with your life instead of being tied down to watching the clock, but do not worry as when she DOES start solids she is likely to settle into her own routine like all your friends breastfed babies do. feeding her on a routine which you tried, (lie), made both of you unhappy.
   
   
4. all your friends have said the same!

[WorkingClassScum]

I think the problem is that some grandparents take it personally when you chose to raise your children differently to them... they feel like you are passing judgment on what they did. Also, being older, they have seen recommendations come and go and so are probably less willing to see why this one is more right than the recommendations they followed.

I don't know your mum, she may respond well to more evidence, but it also may set up a more adversarial relationship between you.

I would thank her for her suggestions, you've considered them, but your family is quite happy with how things are going and change the subject. If she ever brings it up again say she knows your feelings and change the subject, just keep doing it till she gets the idea.

[Bumperlicious]

Thanks for the replies. She does seem to be taking it all personally. But i have found bfing really hard, despite this I want to carry on until she is at least a year if we can and if it suits us (I look forward to that battle with her) what I need is instead of telling me "give her formula" every time it becomes challenging, I need her to say "wow, you are doing a great job, I know you are determined to carry on, so as long as it is what you want I'm right behind you"

but no matter coz i have you lot to tell me that!

[WorkingClassScum]

Have you told her that's the kind of support you would like her to give...

[witchandchips]

so its clear that she is trying to help, she is worried about you and think thats that your life would be easier if you stopped breast feeding etc.

on this front the second 6 months (after weaning) are a lot easier with breastfeeding
a) brilliant when they are ill (breast milk is sterile, and they get liquid and calories in a way they can digest even when they have a tummy upset
b) no problem about weaning them off the bottle in the second year
c) travelling is easier

[Bumperlicious]

that's mostly it witchandchips but a small part of it is her guilt over not bfing.

wcs, i haven't said that to her yet (except over and over in my head!) but next time it comes up i'm going to try asking her in a calm rational manner to support my decision instead of making me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job feeding her myself.

[Bumperlicious]

It's good to know that the bfing will get easier too!

[witchandchips]

okay so don't enter into long debates about it just say that the worst is over (because it is) and that you just want to do the next bit because after that the rest of the weaning process will be so much easier.

[fondant4000]

Help her to realise that doing it your way is NOT a criticism of how she did things.

I say things like "it's funny how things change isn't it?" or "well there's new advice all the time, it probably doesn't matter what you do, I just quite like doing it this way".

My mum was suspicious of blw, but now boasts to friends that dd2 (10 months) can use a spoon and fork, can feed herself, eats with us what we eat - eating in or out.

Do you think perhaps your mum is missing the opportunity to 'baby' your baby - e.g. by giving a bottle, or feeding her with a spoon? I know my mum loves to get involved with her friend's daughter's baby who gets spoonfed and bottlefed by whoever happens to be in the kitchen.

Maybe you could create other baying opportunities - encourage your mum to hand her bits of food when you start weaning, for example.

[fondant4000]

sorry that shd be 'babying opportunities"!

[fondant4000]

My mum used to say about bf "are you still feeding that child?". Erm, yes.....

TBH she stopped interfering at about 6-8 months with dd1 when I was clearly less anxious about the whole thing. At first, they tend to over-react to your tension or anxieties by trying to 'solve' things for you.

[IwansMam]

Sorry, long post.

1. Breast milk has more calories than baby rice. Also, the taste of BM changes and most BF babies don't like the taste of baby rice (don't know if the baby rice comment is true).
   
   
2. BLW - probably answered already. Have been told that many BF babies don't like to be spoon fed. They control their milk intake and so would prefer to control their solids intake. Also, this way you don't need to faff with purees (sp?) giving you more opportunity to spend time with DD.
   
   
3. Formula was different and not so easily digested when you were a baby. Therefore, FF babies did sleep for longer when you were little. Also, when people boast about their babies sleeping through many are either:
   a) lying,
   b) using the medical definition of sleeping through the night which is going for 5 hours between feeds,
   c) bloody lucky.
   You could also use the DD doesn't really like the taste of/refuses to take formula milk. Also, you're now starting to enjoy BF and its getting easier. After all the hard work you want to enjoy the easier times. Its also less faff when DD still wants feeding in the middle of the night.
   
   
4. Somedays I snack through the day, others I stick to 3 meals (or did before BF). Why should a baby be different. (This is what's made me happier about DS wanting to feed every couple of hours many days).
   
   
5. Have you got a book which says this.

[IwansMam]

PS, you could quote all the health benefits for BM (as already suggested) and for BLW, say this is the most natural way of getting baby onto solids. Think caveman days

[choosyfloosy]

I wouldn't go the evidence route as TBH it is possible to find studies that go either way on the allergies issue (don't jump on me, I'm having paediatrics lectures atm!)

It's enough that this is your choice for your child, and babies do really well going this way.

It's really hard when you want to be able to say how tired you are without someone instantly telling you that if you made different choices you wouldn't be tired. I had this constantly. When you are only just able to deal with the demands of a small baby and remain human, it's really almost impossible to stay calm when faced with more demands to change what you're doing!

I would second the health visitor, if you can manage it, and if your hv won't be swayed by your mum (most hvs are there to agree with whatever the people in front of them are saying, provided there's no major abuse issue going on, IMO). But expect your mum to simply set about undermining and disagreeing with the hv's advice as soon as she (the hv) has left.

I don't know how to solve this one as I ended up mixed feeding and then ff, at least partly IMO because I got what felt like a barrage of this sort of opinion from both my mum and my MIL, both of whom are the gentlest and most non-interfering of people as a rule.

[Bumperlicious]

The HV thing is a good idea, but may not work as my mum has already says "you don't have to wait 6 months just because all the books say so" (no, and i don't have to do it early just because she says so!)

it's just good to rant on here to get it out of my system so I can counteract my mum's arguments in a rational adult way.

[GogoTheSmall]

I had the same kind of pressure from mum and MIL before DD was six months - DD has never taken a bottle and so they're both desperate to get her off my boob so they can babysit!! - and I always answer that since breastmilk is a laxative we've never had to deal with any constipation issues, and therefore my life and DD's life is much easier than if I were ffing or stuffing her little guts up with baby rice!

[fondant4000]

I'd make sure your hv is supportive. Some still advise early weaning and can be neutral on bf/ff. If it was me I wouldn't want to take the chance of my mother clinging on to any ambivalent statements from the hv - just undermines further.

Why not make up an imaginary hv, who totally supports everything you're doing! I'm sure your mum will back off as your dd gets older, so just carry on doing what you're doing.