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Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Infant feeding

Will breastfeeding new baby upset toddler?

21 replies

dinny · 30/05/2004 12:43

I never managed to bf my dd1 (expressed for ages but never got her latched on). After many tears (mine) I decided to stop when she was 6 weeks old and bottle feed.
Now I'm pg with number 2 and I really really want to make a success of breastfeeding this time (have a doula to help me this time).
I just worry dd1 will somehow know she wasn't breastfed - well, she aked me the other day "What's that, Mummy?" when she saw my boob. I felt awful that she didn't know my boobs.
I feel so guilty I almost think it's not fair to bf number two as my darling dd wasn't. Does anyone have any experience of bf-feeding one child but not another?

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KateandtheGirls · 30/05/2004 17:34

How old is she Dinny?

My oldest was 2 1/2 when the baby was born, and I kept waiting for her to question the fact that her sister was getting milk from Mummy's breasts, but she never did. I guess to her it just seemed totally natural. She never seemed jealous about it, as long as she could come and sit with me with her sippy cup full of milk and snuggle at the same time.

Now occasionally (at age 4 1/2) she asks if there is milk in my breasts (I say no, not any more), and did she and her sister drink milk from there when they were babies? I have told her that yes they did. Technically she didn't drink milk directly from the breast but she had expressed breast milk for a while, so at this age she doesn't need to know any different. And she talks about how when she's a lady she'll be able to feed her baby using her breasts.

Good luck!

SenoraPostrophe · 30/05/2004 17:50

Don't feel guilty dinny!

My dd (just 2) was breastfed, but she can't remember it. ds is 4 months and breastfed and she is absolutely fascinated by it. She sits next to me and pulls her top up for her dolls.

It's not entirely without problems - occasioanlly she has to wait for something while I'm feeding, but nothing extreme. The only real problem is that ds has started to come off when I have to shout "no" (often-ish).

Tommy · 30/05/2004 17:59

Are you me Dinny?!
I tried to bf DS1 but it didn't really work but am still breastfeeding DS2 at 9m! I think, to be honest, your DD1 will, at times, be upset with her baby brother or sister whether you breastfeed, bottle feed or put her straight onto steak and chips... My DS1 knows DS2 has "Mummy milk" and he has it from his beaker. I think they accept things a lot more readily than us!
Good luck - hope it all goes well

Clayhead · 30/05/2004 18:01

My experience is very similar to SenoraPostrophe's, my dd was 20 months when ds was born and she was fascinated by the whole process. She was bf herself but only knew that because I told her and I don't think she belives me when I say!

All of her friends have seen me bf, some were bf themselves, some weren't but all of them have sttod and started, just another new thing for them to see I guess.

Clayhead · 30/05/2004 18:02

dd also shouts 'Mummy, X wants boob now' when ds cries, no matter where we are at the time...

dinny · 30/05/2004 18:19

Ooh, all these experiences are very reassuring to me.

DD has just turned two - she'll be about 27 months when the bub arrives.

Those who didn't manage to feed number one but did number two - did you find it made you feel better about it? ie. did it kind of close the issue for you? it has been a source of deep upset to me for a long time now.

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Tessiebear · 30/05/2004 18:52

Breast feeding my first just didnt work. Breastfed DS2 until he was 2 (would have carried on forever!) DS1 was 2 yrs 9 months when DS2 was born, i was really nervous about feeding DS2 in front of him when i left hospital, he was a little bit upset for the first 5 minutes (i think it was that the baby was doing something so intimate) but after that he was absolutely fine. When you are feeding no. 2 (bearing in mind it could take a good half hour) make sure you have everything to hand that no.1 might need i.e potty, wipes, a drink etc. It is often a good chance to read a book with no.1 too Hope this helps....

Tessiebear · 30/05/2004 18:56

I know what you mean about sorting out the whole issue - after DS1 i felt i hadnt really tryed hard enough etc and wanted an easy way out i.e bottles.... little did i know that breastfeeding was the easy way out!!! Make sure you have lots of help from midwives etc when latching on etc With DS1 i was too nervous to ask for help, with DS2 i did not leave hospital until my milk came in and i was comfortably Breastfeeding

Ronny · 30/05/2004 19:33

I wanted to feed ds1, but he was in ICU within a few hours of being born, I was to stressed to express properly. I felt afterwards that I hadn't tried hard enough. When ds2 was born, I was determined to breastfeed him, it made me feel a lot better about the first time, ds1 used to pull his top up to feed his doll.

dinny · 30/05/2004 19:34

Thanks Tessiebear. I'm having a birth doula this time round - and a postnatal one too (she is a bf counsellor too). So really really hope that will do the trick. Feel like such a novice (which is what I am). V experienced at expressing and bottles though!

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dinny · 30/05/2004 19:37

Our posts crossed, Ronny. I just feel I haven't experienced being a mother fully as haven't breastfed. I also feel I haven't been a proper woman. Not trying to judge anyone else AT ALL, just the way it's made me feel.

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SoupDragon · 30/05/2004 19:53

Your DD1 won't know anything about how she was fed. My mother attempted to bf my eldest brother and didn't succeed and so she didn't even try with my other brother and me. It makes no difference to how I feel about her that she didn't even try to bf me It's a complete non-issue! I only found this out when I successfully bf DS1 and she was impressed.

DS1 was 2 when DS2 arrived and didn't seem to bat an eyelid when he saw me feeding DS2. He'd been fed for a year and clearly didn't rememeber it. DS2 was fed for 15 months and he obviously remembers nothing as he's recently started asking what they are.

Ronny · 30/05/2004 20:23

dinny, I wasn't feeling judged at all.

Beatrice · 30/05/2004 21:08

Dinny, I feel exactly the same way. I also gave up bf when dd was 6 weeks old. She's 17 weeks now and I still feel unbearably sad about my failure to feed her. I always planned to have 2 kids, but the thought of going through that experience again is making me wonder if I really want to have another one. I feel that dd has already suffered from not being breastfed and I couldn't bear to make her suffer again by feeling neglected while I struggle to feed number 2. I don't have anything useful to offer you in the way of advice/experience but I'm really glad you posted the question. I really hope it works for you this time and look forward to reading a future message from you saying how well things turned out!

aloha · 31/05/2004 09:31

I breastfed my ds for over a year (and bottlefed too) - he's three in Sept and has no recollection at all of how he was fed. I told him the other day that he used to have milk from mummy and he looked utterly bored and uninterested!

aloha · 31/05/2004 09:32

Anyway - you did breastfeed her! Six weeks is an important time.

Clayhead · 31/05/2004 11:19

Beatrice, they really don't have to 'suffer' when you bf number 2! I know exactly what you mean because it was something I worried about whilst pg with number 2 but it turned out so well. We did all the cliched things - books, jigsaws, even CBeebies - and dd never once moaned that I was bf ds, she just accepted it as part and parcel of her life.

If it is any consolation, I have two friends, both of whom had real difficulties and heartache bf number 1, both of whom have had completely different experiences with number 2, one is now feeding a 10 month old, one a 7 month old. I don't know what makes it difference, different babies with different skills, more relaxed mothers, more experienced mothers, probably a combination of a lot of different things.

Please don't feel guilty about the bf though, you did your best and that's all that we can do.

mears · 31/05/2004 12:03

I have 2 friends who didn't master breastfeeding with their first 2 babies and subsquently bottlefed. They then both managed to breastfeed their third baby. They were really happy to succeed breastfeeding but they did not beat themselves up about bottle feeding their first two. Perhaps they succeeded because they were more confident as mothers overall. Perhaps these babies just got the hang of it quicker. Who knows. Their other children did not question B/F in relation to themselves either - they are much too young to do that.
Don'y upset yourself by overanalysing it all. Just look forward to your new baby and the help you will get this time establishing breastfeeding. You are doing the right thing by getting help on board at the beginning. Good luck

dinny · 31/05/2004 20:56

Thanks for these messages. They really give me hope that I'll be able to bf number two and dd1 won't somehow suffer. Beatrice, I felt EXACTLY like you until very recently - just didn't know if I could bear to go through another failure again. Changed my mind though (obviously) - mainly because as dd1 got older (she is now 2) it became less important that she wasn't bf. Though I have to say that when a close friend recently had a baby and bf I couldn't stop crying (secretly) for a couple of days. Just hurts so much, doesn't it? Take care, Dinny

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prettycandles · 31/05/2004 21:19

I sometimes feel very strange that I'm still bfing dd at an age when ds wasn't being fed, as if it's somehow unfair to him.

When I was very pregnant with dd, after we had told ds that we were going to have a baby, I told him that the baby would drink milk from my breasts. He was very curious. At home we wander in and out of each other's baths, so he knew what we look like, and he was fascinated that while Daddy doesn't have boobs and would therefore have to give the baby 'Daddy-Milk' out of a bottle, his aunt (who obviously does have boobs) would also have to give the baby Daddy-Milk out of a bottle if she fed her.

He seemed to like the idea that when he was little he both drank 'Mummy-Milk' from my boobs and Daddy-Milk from a bottle, and that now that he is no longer a baby he drinks 'Proper Milk' (his name for it) from a cup.

Once dd was born, I found that bfing in front of ds was not a problem. For one thing it was a perfect reading-together opportunity. I soon realised that it was better if I didn't feed her in his room unless invited to do so by him. When he asked for some Mummy-Milk, or to drink from my boobs, I would always say that he could have some as soon as dd had finished. He never did - the one time he actually came and claimed a taste, he changed his mind at the last moment!

JeniN · 01/06/2004 20:43

My friends 3 year old was fascinated by baby bro being bf'd...when she asked what it tasted like her mum teased her by saying 'you wouldn't like it, it's disgusting' and screwing her face up. Later on the little girl asked if she could try some..my somewhat reluctant but resigned friend said 'OK' and then her dd said in a horrified manner 'uugh, no I can't have that, it tastes disgusting!'

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