Depressed and want to stop BF 9.5mo

[musicmaiden]

I have read through some old threads on this but nothing exactly matching my situation. I could do with help.

DS2 is 9.5mo and an EBF bottle refuser. DS1 was just the same, and last time and this time I have become depressed and angry as I have not been able to go out at night or have much time away from the babies as they would wake and scream for me. I often feel trapped, lonely, angry and like I've lost myself. I love them dearly and am proud to have BF but really want to stop now.

DS1 was weaned on to a cup (his choice) at 9mo just before I returned to work. We had to go cold turkey, which was awful but worked in the end and he was ok. As soon as he stopped breastfeeding the depression lifted and I felt myself again (aside from mastitis of course )

Now DS2 is the same age. We tried to do cold turkey this weekend but it is so heartbreaking and harder with older DS around. Plus older DS was sick last night so is off school - couldn't deal with both issues so DS2 got boob this morning and that halted our 'progress'. DS2 doesn't really eat a lot yet (BLW) so I worry about him not getting enough generally.

I don't know what I am asking, really... I know I don't have to stop bf just for work, but I do for my sanity, I think. Has anyone been here? I know I'd feel better with some sleep and a few nights out, if he settled well for DH at night.

[outtheothersidefinally]

You've given both an amazing start. Well done for BF so long! Instinct telling you it's time to move on. It will be fine!! A friend stopped at 7mo and he refused any drinks for months - HV unconcerned as he was getting liquid from food and was obviously healthy. Maybe spoonfeed him liquids stuff if you're worried?
Be kind and gentle to yourself and your DC while getting used to the change. Don't worry if he refuses cup/bottle for a while. He will in time.

[OhGood]

music sounds like you are having a hard time of it, under lots of pressure from sick DSs and non-sleeping babies and now a bottle refuser (I have one too, see my post).

Is it everything getting on top of you?

Re the bottle / milk / food 'getting enough' issue, what's your hv like? Could you set up a meeting with them?

Could you get a bit more help from DH or someone for the sleep issues? Are you the only person who settles them?

Also, the not going back to work thing - is it that because you don't have a definite point at which 'maternity leave' (as opposed to 'being a parent' iyswim) ends, then maybe taht's adding to the feeling of being trapped?

[musicmaiden]

outtheothersidefinally (what a great nickname and so apt for my post!) Thanks for the reassurance. Unfortunately DS2 won't countenance being spoon-fed anything at all except for yoghurt which is why he is BLW. I've tried milky porridge but he is unimpressed.

OhGood Yes, everything is getting on top of me and has done for months, tbh. I know it sounds a bit selfish needing to go out and do 'adult' things but I miss my friends and time without a child. I've missed gigs and 40th birthday parties because I need to be home as DS2 nearly always wakes between 9.30 and 12 and screams until he is fed.

I am in London so I don't have just the one HV but I didn't much care for the one who came round after DS2 was born. I always think there's nothing they can tell me that Mumsnet can't! As for the food issue - I am not too worried about him eating enough per se yet as he is enthusiastic about food, but as he is BLW still not much goes in, so he will be very hungry if we go cold turkey with him.

DH is a great help but DS2 will not be settled by him at all. He screeches, arches his back and doesn't stop crying until he gets a breast. Same for my mother and me if I just try to pat-shush, etc. He's a pretty bad sleeper generally

Sorry for the confusion re: going back to work - I only meant that most people say that you don't have to give up BF if you return to work, but that I actually do want to give up regardless of whether I 'have to', iyswim. I am due back in early May so I do have a date.

[musicmaiden]

outtheothersidefinally (what a great nickname and so apt for my post!) Thanks for the reassurance. Unfortunately DS2 won't countenance being spoon-fed anything at all except for yoghurt which is why he is BLW. I've tried milky porridge but he is unimpressed.

OhGood Yes, everything is getting on top of me and has done for months, tbh. I know it sounds a bit selfish needing to go out and do 'adult' things but I miss my friends and time without a child. I've missed gigs and 40th birthday parties because I need to be home as DS2 nearly always wakes between 9.30 and 12 and screams until he is fed.

I am in London so I don't have just the one HV but I didn't much care for the one who came round after DS2 was born. I always think there's nothing they can tell me that Mumsnet can't! As for the food issue - I am not too worried about him eating enough per se yet as he is enthusiastic about food, but as he is BLW still not much goes in, so he will be very hungry if we go cold turkey with him.

DH is a great help but DS2 will not be settled by him at all. He screeches, arches his back and doesn't stop crying until he gets a breast. Same for my mother and me if I just try to pat-shush, etc. He's a pretty bad sleeper generally

Sorry for the confusion re: going back to work - I only meant that most people say that you don't have to give up BF if you return to work, but that I actually do want to give up regardless of whether I 'have to', iyswim. I am due back in early May so I do have a date.

[PastaandCheese]

I don't have any advice other than to say I felt exactly the same with my first. I was jealous of friends with babies the same age who formula fed and had so much more freedom than me. It felt like I was being punished for breastfeeding at the time.

In the end I came to the conclusion I wanted to keep breastfeeding but have more freedom so I mix fed from 9 months just using one of those little cartons each day. It made a massive difference to how I felt.

That said DD was also a bottle refuser and it took a week of DH on annual leave and me disappearing off , out the house at key boob times until he could convince her to take the bottle.

Is that an option for you?

[musicmaiden]

PastaandCheese Thanks for your message. Yes, it feels like a punishment at times - I have a lot of child-free friends and none of them really understand.

Unfortunately with a DS at school we have to save a lot of holiday for his school breaks so DH won't be able to use annual leave. We are sort-of trying to do your idea at weekends though. At present DH is happy to try to do the bedtime routine every night and try formula then.

[PastaandCheese]

Of course you do. I don't have school age DC yet so not used to school holidays!

Keep trying and think that his eating is only going go get better which will reduce his breastfeeding?

[FurryGiraffe]

You poor thing, you sound like you really need a break. It's so hard when they're so dependant on you.

A few thoughts (apologies if you've tried all the following already!) DS (10.5 months) was also EBF, bottle refusing, BLW and doesn't like being fed with a spoon. He will however feed himself with a spoon very happily (and with surprisingly little mess!) Have you tried that as a mechanism of getting some easy to swallow stuff down him? Re actual food, my DS wouldn't go near 'neat' porridge (I don't blame him it tastes horrible). However he wolfs it down if mixed with a bit of mashed banana to sweeten it up. He also doesn't like it thin and milky and much prefers it pretty thick (stays on the spoon more easily that way too!) Rice pudding was also an early success for filling him up.

If nothing else, keep reminding yourself that he will start eating decent quantities of food (and cutting down on milk) really soon. Good luck.

[PastaandCheese]

I agree with furrygiraffe. My DD liked Ready Brek made with cow's milk as it was smooth with apple purée stirred through it.

[OhGood]

Argh, that all sounds extremely trying.

I totally identify with the feeling trapped, btw. As I am sure many mothers with young / BF DCs do.

I go swimming Sat mornings and Weds nights, which has helped. Any time out the house alone would do but i find those are the two times when I am at screaming point.

I have no magic wand at all for the bottle refusal, but will let you know how I get on.

What would happen if you just went out one evening and left DH with DS and a bottle? Or is that just completely out?

[musicmaiden]

You are all being so lovely, thank you

I will persevere with porridge. DS1 loved it and it was a staple for his first two years, but DS2 doesn't seem keen, even via the famous porridge pancakes. And thanks for all the spoon tips, he tends to chew the wrong end mostly when I've tried loaded spoons, but am sure he will improve soon!

Yes, I could go out and leave DH, but the issue really is leaving him with DS1 to get to bed too. Obviously he will be able to manage to do both of them once DS2 is happily having a cuddle and a bottle feed while stories are being read, etc, but not while he is weepy and fractious.

Thank you all again for the suggestions.

[Laquila]

Oh God I completely know how you feel. I just hate breastfeeding so much at the moment but as irrational as it is, I just can't bring myself to give my 6.5mth old formula. He's never had a bottle and I don't want to introduce one now - he's not great with a cup but would probably take some from the Doidy or TT but I just can'tso it, and I don't know why as breastfeeding is making me SO MISERABLE AND EXHAUSTED. I'mI'm sorry - I'm no help but you're definitely not alone!

[musicmaiden]

Ah, poor you Laquila. I do know how you feel - it's almost like you've breastfed for this long - why suddenly give formula now? I was trying to tell myself to push through to a year so he can go straight to cow's milk from a cup. However this is moot now as he won't drink anything from any receptacle except me!

Update: DH has put him to bed every night taking a cup or a bottle with him. DS2 is quite tired by then but still won't take any milk and falls asleep after 15 minutes in DH's arms. Then, strangely, he sleeps much better overnight - drifts off in a couple of minutes after a shush-pat at 2am by DH!

I am still feeding in the daytime but not feeding to sleep at naptime anymore.