Mumsnet Talk

My friend died about an hour ago. She had cancer, we knew it was terminal. I posted about her and her DS a week or so ago, and had lots of helpful replies.

I think I've mainly come on MN tonight because DH is 'digesting' the news and I need to talk/company.

Tomorrow I want to talk to DD about what's happened, but I'm not sure exactly how. I've already talked to her a bit and it has helped that her current favourite film is Up so we've been talking about death a little anyway. She doesn't really seem to get it, and I don't know what the best thing to do is.

I'm rambling now. Just so sad for that little boy without his mummy.

So sorry to hear this. How are you holding up?

I'm so very sorry for your loss

I know that other people have found this charity very useful for bereaved children, it has information on how to talk to children about death.

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/mainsection.asp?section=000100010002&pagetitle=Parents%2FCa rers

I don't know how much my almost 4yo would understand; maybe you can just tell her that her friend will be sad and she needs to be extra nice to him?

sorry, here's the link again

Winstons Wish

Om - I'm so sorry. May she rest in peace.

I don't know what else to say but here to listen. I hope her little dd (and yours) can come to terms with this.

Do you want to tell us about her?

Sorry, your friend's ds.

So sorry to hear this and so sad for you. My step brother died leaving 2 very young children. We found the charity Winston's Wish useful for helping support such young children.
It's like jumping in puddles for children. Sometimes they are in and sometimes not. They are very resilient.
Thinking of you all tonight.

Oh Omi So, so sorry for your loss. Please think of yourself here as well as DD. This is a devasting thing, and I wish you all the best with coping with it

How old is DD? (yours and her friend)

I'm ok-ish, we've known it was terminal since the Summer and she's been going downhill quite fast. I was thinking about her today, I've known her with cancer for longer than I've known her without it.

I've been crying for the last week or two, knowing this was coming but now it has I'm a little numb. Until I think about her boy. Last time I saw her we were chatting, he climbed on my lap and gave me a big hug. We were pregnant together, her DS was born a week or so before DD and I remember visiting her and being so envious that she had her baby already. The DS feels like family - his half-sister was one of my bridesmaids.

x-posted with littlelapin and Monty27.

So sorry to hear about your loss, and for your friend's family. Please keep talking on here if it will help you.

So sorry I miread, Ds

Numb is normal. As is thinking of her little boy. Of course it is going to make you sad, esp as the were born so closely together...you identify yourself with him, her, thier relationship

Big hugs darling. I don't know you but have tears welling

My DD and her DS are both almost 4.

I've told the dad about Winston's Wish, I know he got in touch with them yesterday. I tried ringing them this morning but couldn't get through, I'll try again tomorrow.

I just don't know how much DD will understand. I've worked with slightly older children and I know they have different responses to other people's losses. Some understand better than others. I like the idea of her supporting her friend. I know she might worry about me.

It's no wonder you feel numb. A defence mechanism I think as you can never really fully prepare yourself.

It's good you are able to talk about it though as that is bound to help.

How old is her little boy? He will be lucky to have you around.

Om - that's such a lovely way to meet someone and make friends. You'll always remember her. Is her little ds' father around?

Val - me too.

Sorry x post.

Some little ones just seem to take things in their stride. I hope that can be the case with her little boy and your dd.

Thank you everyone, I just needed someone to talk to and you are all very kind.

Om - cross post.

As gibberish said, the little ds will be glad of you.

Omi, this must be so hard in respect to the children. My DS is about the same age. I cannot begin to think about how to explain something like this...

Winstons Wish are good. Also NSPCC can help by providing links to councellors.

A big huggle to your DD and to your friend's DS.. xx

<squeezes Om's hand really tight and wells up again>

Talk all you want love. MN ears are open all hours

so sorry for your loss of a good friend and her LO.

you know there is always someone to listen here on MN

I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree that numb is normal right now. Even as adults I think we struggle with death as a forever concept, especially initially.

When my dad died, I told DS who was 4 at the time that Granddad had died - I think it is important not to couch it in euphemisms such as passed away and that he was in heaven now (he goes to a church school). I then waited for his questions and answered them as honestly as I could as and when. I agree with optomisticmumma that kids are in or out with grief and there's little point dragging them in when they are ok and happy. You have to jump in when they want you to, and the trick is to cope with it when you want to be out IYSWIM?

I just want to give him a big mothering hug but it will never be the same as a hug from his mum. Every time I give him a hug I have always had this thought in the back of my mind.

He has his dad, his family (aunts and grandparents) are with him. His half brother and sister are both on the other side of the world though.

I'm crying now, which is good. I need to let some of how I'm feeling out. I dreamt about her last night - no premonition, just her condition weighing on my mind.

And we'll provide many, many shoulders to cry on
And if you want to get angry...we won't restrain you
And the we'll <<un-mn>> hug you
when you don't know you need it
But you do

We're here