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DH's mum has returned home to hopefully spend her last days at home.
McMillan nurses are being fab.
We have been warned she could die within days.
obviously, she has said she wants no presents- just as many of us with her as much as possible at the moment.
Have managed to find a wonderful card- even finding a 'sensitive' card was a nightmare.
she's unable to eat (unless it is liquidised)- therefore given that she was a chocoholic- its even sad we cannot buy her choccies.
she's 74 and sees links flowers with funerals- so flowers are out.
I thought about pampering her- she loved manicures- so even if i sat there and massaged some lovely handcream into her hands- maybe face cream too? But she is so frail that they've provided a 'air mattress' as simply lying on a bed hurts. so i am sure a massage of any sort is out of the question.
only thing i have thought of to buy her is to ignore her 'hate' of jewellery, and get a heart shaped locket and get DH to put it on her. And it never be taken off.
None of us want to give her anything that she will leave behind.
I know that if it were me, i really would not want anything- but its so hard to do to someone else.
that is so sad and so difficult...not sure what to suggest - wanted just to acknowledge... would beautiful scented candles be an idea, or would that be a bit funereal ? nice things to smell though would be lovely and maybe comforting... favourite music to play that she might enjoy listening to ?
So sorry to hear this. I think although its hard for you that you need to respect her wishes and just spend time with her. If you really want to do something and you think she could cope how about making her some homemade hot chocolate made with real melted choclate.
A bit late in the day to organise but this is what I did for my Mum on her birthday last year, 2 months before the cancer took her. I had a star named after her, I told her that when the time came she had to "hang out" there so we knew where she was when we needed to talk to her, it also helped DS2 a lot as he was struggling to absorb what was happenning to his Gran. I think a silly party hat a crowd of her family would be appropriate for your MIL. You could paint her nails for her where she is. Lots of love to you.
the star is perfect for my boys. she's never been sentimental- but its all so different now. telling her that we have done it so WE can 'talk' to her is just a wonderful thought.
very sorry to hear your family is going through this. I would speak to the McMillan nurse for advice on this, and whether some melted chocolate or manicures would be OK for her. I really wouldn't buy the locket if she hates jewellery. I think the star is a beautiful idea.
But painting her nails won't be distressing, wearing or painfull. You needn't do the entire manicure thing, just add some colour to her nails just to make her smile, tis harmless.
Mum, Hugs first When my Mother died (cancer too) she was also in a great deal of pain. She didn't get to come home as it was very sudden in the end, but the palliative care ward she was on were wonderful. She had her hair done every week, her nails done, even Reiki. And belive me, my Mother was the salt of the earth working class type who wouldn't have been doing with any of that sort of thing. But she LOVED it. Don't be afraid to spoil her.
Like you said, things are different now, and if my Mother was anything to go by, she'll love the locket.
My mum also like to read, and even though it was very hard in the end, we still took her a book in to look at.
Would she and DH be up for a memory day? (It's still quite close, I know) Get all the old photos out DCs, MIL and FIL if you think they can cope. Laugh at the good times. Remember when........? Also, party hats and a silly day sound great too. Take photo's too. Remember it as a special day. Don't want to sound crass, but I hope you all have fun!
A couple of months before my dad died (we knew he wasn't getting better) we had small party with just close family - about 5 people. Don't think we really brought gifts, but rather had nice nibbles and champagne. It was a lovely afternoon and a lovely memory. Don't worry about the material stuff - just spend time with them. It's all that matters X
My great aunt was on an air mattress too but her skin was desperately dry so I rubbed lots of lotion into her legs/ arms. It was lotion, not cream so not much rubbing needed and efinitely not a massage... maybe ask nurses?
I think the gentle massage idea is lovely. Head massages are very soothing, too. But some alternatives, depending on your MIL's condition and concentration, could be either some sort of photographic book on a favourite topic eg cats, sealife, or an audio book or soothing music CD. A new comfortable nightie or pj's would be nice, too. Obviously, these things would all be left behind but you could donate them to MacMillan. Thinking of you.
Following on from Cherry's lovely star story. Don't know how long that would take to organise, but if you run out of time, you and DCs can name your own star. Wrap them up warm, out the garden to pick the brightest star in the sky, which is now especially bright, because nanny/gran is letting you know she is there, whenever you want to go and talk to her. Perhaps, given the time of year, they could have a sparkler to wave back? It's so difficult
Have no new ideas just wanted to wish you all the best and hope you can try and make it as happy an occasion as you can. Does she have a favourite perfume as that always makes me feel special.
My brother has just died of cancer. I am so sorry that you are also going through this agony. Three days before he died we took him out in the wheelchair for an hour. It is so beautiful out there at the moment, so achingly beautiful. Would your mother be able to have you all take her for a small walk to look at the trees? It might mean more than a material object perhaps? Appreciate that she may be too ill to move.
Have phoned DH about the star idea- and he is going to speak to his brother and sisters.
what is weird is how on the day his dad died i had got up and noticed a extremely bright star above the rooftops as the sun was just coming up into the clear blue sky. I was absolutely intrigued by it's brightness...real 'star of bethlehem' look!
this was before he had died.
i 'investigated' on the internet- and found it to be called "TheMorningStar"...not really a star- but Venus. And Venus is the roman god of love.
so when later that day i learnt his dad had died- i could not get this star out of my mind.My seeing and NOTICING that star that morning seemed significant. I am not religious, but this made me feel i was meant to see this star!!
and the weird thing was the next few days it was so cloudy that i never saw it again- so made a mental note to look for it straight after new years day next year- so that i see it again.
so..... this idea of naming a star REALLY is perfect.
I think, for me, as far as the birthday gift idea goes...to just explain this to her, and not actually BUY a star....but look for the Morning Star...would be a wonderful way to remember BOTH parents.
So sorry How about a digital picture frame?, bit pricey but you could load it up with pictures of family and good times and she could watch it without having to flip through an album
Another vote for the star here. Since DH dies, the DSs always look out of their window at bedtime and look for a bright star and say it's Daddy's star.
You say she associates flowers with funerals but what about plants, either house or garden? Could you get her a nice flowering plant she could enjoy and which would remind you of her after she's gone. If it's indoor, you could have her photo next to it. We have DH's ashes in a tub in the garden with a flowering shrub. He died a month before his birthday but we bought it as a birthday present to him and it's very comforting to have a place we can go to think about him. Sorry if I'm being insensitive in talking about when she's gone. I hope I haven't upset you.
DH has just got back from meeting his sibs- and they have ALL agreed to go by her wishes...that is to just be with her.
its been hard for me as i am a soppy soul- sentimental beyond belief...and none of my inlaws are at all like me. so what i'd do if it were my own mum is totally different to how his family are. (for several years when i met him...noone even exchanged christmas cards- and did not bother wrapping presents- just left things in the carrier bags)
so i am content that DH and his family are resolved in what they will do.
some of your ideas are so lovely- i will keep them in mind and see how the day pans out.
I am going up there in the morning- before i do i am going to buy a :
helium balloon to tie to her bed
some luxurious hand/body lotion from the Body Shop. and take up an emery board and pretty nail varnish.
then i can pamper her ready for afternoon/evening visitors.
(apparently noone else is planning to visit in the morning- which is perfect as it gives me chance to do what i want without stepping on her daughters toes...as i am sensitive to the fact that she is THEIR mum....and i don't want to over shadow anything they do)
In case useful, when my mum was ill (similarly), she enjoyed perfume, chocolate mousse (I mixed with cream when swallowing becomae more difficult), music and audiobooks.
well...after all that...I cannot go up to see her.
my ds3 was up last night with diahrohea- and i've phoned my SIL and she'd rather i didn't bring DS up.
I would have it on my conscience if i did and she got it too. So i am going to have to go up later after all...probably after 6pm!!!
SIL says YES to the 'melted chocolate- Hot chocolate drink'.... so i am going to do that to take up tonight. She also said MIL's sister is doing handcream etc....
still going to try and get the balloon- depends if my DH can pop home before 5 so i can sneak to shops.
DS3 (ofcourse) is absolutely perfectly well this morning... but school have a rule that if diarohea- must stay away min 24hrs- and if sick too(which he wasn't)...48hrs off school.
so i was going to be 'naughty' and if when i woke him this morning he didn't mention/remember the diarohea... i was going to send him if he seemed ok...but 1st thing he said was "i cannot go to school cos Mrs X (headteacher) says if we have had diarohea we mustn't come to school"
And though i could ask my mum to have him... she is likely to then blame me and ds's germs if she has so much as a tummy ache for the next month. ( she is funny about colds as well...)
yes...she had loads of visitors and i took up the hot chocolate! And after tescos tonight- i looked up at the stars...
she looked very swollen tonight-not a good sign- and her doctor(who was one of her visitors! Special visit for her birthday- he had came the night before too) advised my SIL (who she is living with) to 'let her go when the time comes. Let her go with dignity'
seems a bit direct - but i guess he knows how awful it may be if my SIL is actually with her when the time comes.
My DH took this pretty badly. I really don't know how i can help him- his family is so close,
My gran became very green in her last years, didn't want burial, service etc. She had a tree planted.
But what I would most want to do is just spend time together. And if she loves music, get/make a cd of her favourite music. It will probably make you all cry but sharing music together is very emotional and special.
MUM23ADS, I just read through your thread, I'm glad that the day went well, I just wanted to say you are very thoughtful and I'm sorry for the sad time you are all having.x
