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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

What to do about Mum's birthday tomorrow- Terminally ill.

35 replies

MUM23ASD · 20/10/2008 12:29

Just don't know what to do.

Cancer.

DH's mum has returned home to hopefully spend her last days at home.

McMillan nurses are being fab.

We have been warned she could die within days.

obviously, she has said she wants no presents- just as many of us with her as much as possible at the moment.

Have managed to find a wonderful card- even finding a 'sensitive' card was a nightmare.

she's unable to eat (unless it is liquidised)- therefore given that she was a chocoholic- its even sad we cannot buy her choccies.

she's 74 and sees links flowers with funerals- so flowers are out.

I thought about pampering her- she loved manicures- so even if i sat there and massaged some lovely handcream into her hands- maybe face cream too? But she is so frail that they've provided a 'air mattress' as simply lying on a bed hurts. so i am sure a massage of any sort is out of the question.

only thing i have thought of to buy her is to ignore her 'hate' of jewellery, and get a heart shaped locket and get DH to put it on her. And it never be taken off.

None of us want to give her anything that she will leave behind.

I know that if it were me, i really would not want anything- but its so hard to do to someone else.

OP posts:

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MorticiaAnnSpookington · 20/10/2008 12:31

that is so sad and so difficult...not sure what to suggest - wanted just to acknowledge... would beautiful scented candles be an idea, or would that be a bit funereal ? nice things to smell though would be lovely and maybe comforting... favourite music to play that she might enjoy listening to ?

dustystar · 20/10/2008 12:33

So sorry to hear this. I think although its hard for you that you need to respect her wishes and just spend time with her. If you really want to do something and you think she could cope how about making her some homemade hot chocolate made with real melted choclate.

CherryChapstick · 20/10/2008 12:35

A bit late in the day to organise but this is what I did for my Mum on her birthday last year, 2 months before the cancer took her. I had a star named after her, I told her that when the time came she had to "hang out" there so we knew where she was when we needed to talk to her, it also helped DS2 a lot as he was struggling to absorb what was happenning to his Gran.
I think a silly party hat a crowd of her family would be appropriate for your MIL. You could paint her nails for her where she is.
Lots of love to you.

cocoleBOO · 20/10/2008 12:35

The locket is a lovely idea, maybe you could put photos in it?

I'm sure she would just like to spend time with you all really.

So sad.

MUM23ASD · 20/10/2008 12:37

i'm crying here- have not even read your messages- just so overwhelmed that you have all replied.

thankyou so much.

OP posts:

MUM23ASD · 20/10/2008 12:40

my first tears too!

the star is perfect for my boys. she's never been sentimental- but its all so different now. telling her that we have done it so WE can 'talk' to her is just a wonderful thought.

OP posts:

CherryChapstick · 20/10/2008 12:41

Sorry you are crying, sadly that is all part of the evil of the "C" word.

CherryChapstick · 20/10/2008 12:43

It helped my DS2 a lot.
Just noticed that I put last year, was this year. Lost her in June.

TotalChaos · 20/10/2008 12:49

very sorry to hear your family is going through this. I would speak to the McMillan nurse for advice on this, and whether some melted chocolate or manicures would be OK for her. I really wouldn't buy the locket if she hates jewellery. I think the star is a beautiful idea.

cocoleBOO · 20/10/2008 12:50

Oh sorry didn't she that she hates jewellery

CherryChapstick · 20/10/2008 12:52

But painting her nails won't be distressing, wearing or painfull. You needn't do the entire manicure thing, just add some colour to her nails just to make her smile, tis harmless.

feelingbitbetter · 20/10/2008 12:53

Mum,
Hugs first
When my Mother died (cancer too) she was also in a great deal of pain. She didn't get to come home as it was very sudden in the end, but the palliative care ward she was on were wonderful. She had her hair done every week, her nails done, even Reiki. And belive me, my Mother was the salt of the earth working class type who wouldn't have been doing with any of that sort of thing. But she LOVED it. Don't be afraid to spoil her.

Like you said, things are different now, and if my Mother was anything to go by, she'll love the locket.

My mum also like to read, and even though it was very hard in the end, we still took her a book in to look at.

Would she and DH be up for a memory day? (It's still quite close, I know) Get all the old photos out DCs, MIL and FIL if you think they can cope. Laugh at the good times. Remember when........?
Also, party hats and a silly day sound great too.
Take photo's too. Remember it as a special day.
Don't want to sound crass, but I hope you all have fun!

angemorange · 20/10/2008 12:54

A couple of months before my dad died (we knew he wasn't getting better) we had small party with just close family - about 5 people. Don't think we really brought gifts, but rather had nice nibbles and champagne. It was a lovely afternoon and a lovely memory. Don't worry about the material stuff - just spend time with them. It's all that matters X

CherryChapstick · 20/10/2008 12:55

feelingbitbetter: Bravo.

pofaced · 20/10/2008 12:55

My great aunt was on an air mattress too but her skin was desperately dry so I rubbed lots of lotion into her legs/ arms. It was lotion, not cream so not much rubbing needed and efinitely not a massage... maybe ask nurses?

Suedonim · 20/10/2008 13:10

What a sad situation, I'm so sorry.

I think the gentle massage idea is lovely. Head massages are very soothing, too. But some alternatives, depending on your MIL's condition and concentration, could be either some sort of photographic book on a favourite topic eg cats, sealife, or an audio book or soothing music CD. A new comfortable nightie or pj's would be nice, too. Obviously, these things would all be left behind but you could donate them to MacMillan. Thinking of you.

feelingbitbetter · 20/10/2008 13:23

Following on from Cherry's lovely star story. Don't know how long that would take to organise, but if you run out of time, you and DCs can name your own star.
Wrap them up warm, out the garden to pick the brightest star in the sky, which is now especially bright, because nanny/gran is letting you know she is there, whenever you want to go and talk to her. Perhaps, given the time of year, they could have a sparkler to wave back?
It's so difficult

feelingbitbetter · 20/10/2008 13:24

Sorry, that's not really about tomorrow. just thinking of you.

Sunshine78 · 20/10/2008 13:25

Have no new ideas just wanted to wish you all the best and hope you can try and make it as happy an occasion as you can. Does she have a favourite perfume as that always makes me feel special.

MissM · 20/10/2008 14:03

My brother has just died of cancer. I am so sorry that you are also going through this agony. Three days before he died we took him out in the wheelchair for an hour. It is so beautiful out there at the moment, so achingly beautiful. Would your mother be able to have you all take her for a small walk to look at the trees? It might mean more than a material object perhaps? Appreciate that she may be too ill to move.

MUM23ASD · 20/10/2008 14:51

Have phoned DH about the star idea- and he is going to speak to his brother and sisters.

what is weird is how on the day his dad died i had got up and noticed a extremely bright star above the rooftops as the sun was just coming up into the clear blue sky. I was absolutely intrigued by it's brightness...real 'star of bethlehem' look!

this was before he had died.

i 'investigated' on the internet- and found it to be called "The Morning Star"...not really a star- but Venus. And Venus is the roman god of love.

so when later that day i learnt his dad had died- i could not get this star out of my mind.My seeing and NOTICING that star that morning seemed significant. I am not religious, but this made me feel i was meant to see this star!!

and the weird thing was the next few days it was so cloudy that i never saw it again- so made a mental note to look for it straight after new years day next year- so that i see it again.

so..... this idea of naming a star REALLY is perfect.

I think, for me, as far as the birthday gift idea goes...to just explain this to her, and not actually BUY a star....but look for the Morning Star...would be a wonderful way to remember BOTH parents.

OP posts:

Tclanger · 20/10/2008 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feelingbitbetter · 20/10/2008 16:09

Mum, that is a lovely story.
I am not at all religious either, but things like that are significant to me too.

MummyDoIt · 20/10/2008 16:22

Another vote for the star here. Since DH dies, the DSs always look out of their window at bedtime and look for a bright star and say it's Daddy's star.

You say she associates flowers with funerals but what about plants, either house or garden? Could you get her a nice flowering plant she could enjoy and which would remind you of her after she's gone. If it's indoor, you could have her photo next to it. We have DH's ashes in a tub in the garden with a flowering shrub. He died a month before his birthday but we bought it as a birthday present to him and it's very comforting to have a place we can go to think about him. Sorry if I'm being insensitive in talking about when she's gone. I hope I haven't upset you.

MUM23ASD · 20/10/2008 21:57

Thankyou ALL

DH has just got back from meeting his sibs- and they have ALL agreed to go by her wishes...that is to just be with her.

its been hard for me as i am a soppy soul- sentimental beyond belief...and none of my inlaws are at all like me. so what i'd do if it were my own mum is totally different to how his family are. (for several years when i met him...noone even exchanged christmas cards- and did not bother wrapping presents- just left things in the carrier bags)

so i am content that DH and his family are resolved in what they will do.

some of your ideas are so lovely- i will keep them in mind and see how the day pans out.

I am going up there in the morning- before i do i am going to buy a :

helium balloon to tie to her bed

some luxurious hand/body lotion from the Body Shop.
and take up an emery board and pretty nail varnish.

then i can pamper her ready for afternoon/evening visitors.

(apparently noone else is planning to visit in the morning- which is perfect as it gives me chance to do what i want without stepping on her daughters toes...as i am sensitive to the fact that she is THEIR mum....and i don't want to over shadow anything they do)

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