Advice needed about a family member....................

[StaceySlayer]

DH's 'step'-cousin has very sadly just had their stillborn daughter at 40weeks. She was bleeding heavily and the hospital told her to rest and have a bath and not to panic, she did and started to bleed heavier. She inisisted on going in and they were unable to find the heartbeat. She then went through a very long labour and find had her the next day.

We are not close to them but do get on very well when we meet up at family do's and invite them to our family do't etc...

Sorry, not having known anyone who has had a stillborn baby before I am unsure if what to do next. I didn't feel a 'with deepest sympathy' card was quite right so have bought a 'thinking of you' card.

There is not going to be a funeral just a small private family service.

Does the card sound okay?? If so, when do i send it? She came out of hospital on Thursday and is back at home. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to go home to fully decorated and stocked up nursery without her little girl. Every part of me feels for her as I am so lucky to have two very beautiful children and I cherish them every day.

[Fireflyfairy2]

This happened to a woman I know from school last year

I posted a card with "In this sad time" on it. But on the inside I did write congratulations on your beautiful baby boy.

I was talking to her afterwards & she said she was glad that he had been acknowledged as their baby boy, not their stillborn baby.

It's very hard to know what to write isn't it. So just write something heartfelt.

[StaceySlayer]

That's good advice, I want ot acknowledge that they have had a little girl who is, no doubt, the most beautiful baby they have ever seen. She has been named yet so I am waiting as I feel using her name in what I write will sound better then just 'your baby'.

I keep filling up with tears everytime I think about it, I feel so desperatly sad for them both, I hope I find the right words in the card!

[StaceySlayer]

Sorry, meant to say hasn't been named yet

[womba1]

I gave birth to my stillborn son, James and worse thing was/is, that nobody wanted to mention him for fear of upsetting me. It was as if he hadn't existed and if he wasn't mentioned, i'd get over it faster.

So please, mention their daughter in your card, by name if you know it.Yes, they'll get upset, but they'll also cherish talking about their baby girl.

I think the card is perfect by the way...i just wish i'd had someone so thoughtful when i went through this

[MaryAnnSingletomb]

I hav e no experience of this but firefly and womba's advice sounds very sensible to me - I'd certainly send a thinking of you card and would mention the child.
A family friend had a baby who died very shortly after birth following a botched delivery, very traumatic and unbelievably sad - I'd heard that she'd had the baby before I knew of the circumstances and as she lived around the corner,put a congratulations card in the door - I was deeply mortified when I realised the tragedy of it all.

[StaceySlayer]

womba I bet your little angel James is always with his Mummy. Thank you for posting I'm sure it can be tough.

[Marina]

The card sounds perfect to me Stacey, how thoughtful of you. As others have said, often people just don't write because they are not sure what to say, and that absence of acknowledgment hurts so much
I'm so very sorry to hear about this. I hope the hospital is doing all they can to support the parents, referring them to SANDS if necessary, and reviewing their care to see if anything could have been done to prevent this tragedy
From what you say, the hospital should have checked that bleeding immediately

[womba1]

Thank you for your kind words Stacey xx

[StaceySlayer]

The hospitals attitude is upsetting the rest of us, we can obviously think a bit more about the other parts of what happened whereas, the parents and close family, are still dealing with dealing with initial shock and loss.

I do think (and have experienced this twice) that the delivery suite at the this hospital (same as mine) tend to fob you off with stay at home, have a bath etc.... rather than accept that your a ready to come in and need that reassurance (espicially if it is your first). If they want to send home again far enough but they do talk to you like you are over-reacting or something. I complained about this when i had DD and I know a few others Mums who have felt the same about this particular hospital.

That said, they have been great since it happened, she was moved to lovely room with a private bathroom and kitchen so she and her DH could just be alone with DD and spend time with her. She lost quite a lot of blood so has been in for a few days. They were also visited by the hospital chaplin and although they are not religious people they have asked him to hold a small service at the hospital chapel.

[Marina]

Oh Stacey
Well I am no expert but from what I know from SANDS friends and also from friends with near-misses persistent bleeding in late pregnancy can be due to something called placental abruption, where the placenta detaches itself in part or entirely from the wall of the uterus before or during labour. This compromises the flow of blood, oxygen etc to the baby. The bleeding should be investigated thoroughly to check it's not due to abruption because if dealt with swiftly, the baby can be saved.
I don't know if you are thinking along the same lines at all, but I trust that there will be a full investigation into their baby daughter's death and that if it was due to an abruption the hospital should make policy changes to how they deal with bleeding in late pregnancy. It's great that they have been so supportive in dealing with your step-cousin during and after delivery, but...
My SANDS befriender lost her first dd at term to this condition and Sophie Wessex came dangerously close to losing her daughter for the same reason.

[StaceySlayer]

There isn't going to be a post-mortum or investigation as they found a clot in the placenta are are satisfied that that caused her death. What they don't know is if she had gone in earlier would they been able able to save the baby before the clot reached the placenta.

[StaceySlayer]

Thank you for the SANDS info, I will pass it on to a closer family member who will know the right time to give it to them.

[lemonaid]

Someone I knew on another board put together this guide for family and friends.

[StaceySlayer]

Thanks lemonaid, again, I will pass it on too. The song made me cry!!!!